So I can't control my addiction. Actually addictionsssss. I am a gambler, its how I cope. I am tired and stressed and worried about money so I just dumped myself in a whole lot of needless worry. I am addicted to shopping too and food. Junk food is another coping mechanism. Guess what its all related to money, and I have to spend a lot of money that I don't have. Meanwhile my financial situation is being put at risk. So I need to make some changes quickly. I am hoping to get it sorted by Christmas.
Meanwhile I am working a new job. Its going well, I am getting into the momentum of things.
I am diabetic too btw. I haven't been taking care of myself. Dumb I know.
Its all a muddle right now and I don't like it. I am addicted to chaos. That's another problem. If things are going too well I create the problem to get me back into the state I have lived in for so long.
I need help...I have to help myself. Another long haul ahead of me.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
Ughhh
That's how I am feeling these days. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am bored. The weather has been wet and snowy and cold. I know a huge error in correct writing but that's how I feel. There are a lot of ANDs in my life and a lot of BUTs.
Since completing school I have been working my butt off trying to keep the house, cable, electric and phone. I have applied on three positions in my area (Social Work). No interviews or anything, but I am not the only one. They aren't in a rush to fill positions I am thinking. I am in a rush to get working!
I am working with youth in a residential home. Our client is demanding on some levels, but per usual they are teenagers. So working 12 hour shifts, five days a week, one day off it wears on you and your energy. If a client isn't willing to do anything then we find it hard to be motivated. You can only cook and clean so much. This sitting down for all that time is mentally and physically draining. Today is my day off and I am trying to get the laundry done and other household things that get neglected when you are not home!
So that's all I am going to report in this post...ughhh LOL
Since completing school I have been working my butt off trying to keep the house, cable, electric and phone. I have applied on three positions in my area (Social Work). No interviews or anything, but I am not the only one. They aren't in a rush to fill positions I am thinking. I am in a rush to get working!
I am working with youth in a residential home. Our client is demanding on some levels, but per usual they are teenagers. So working 12 hour shifts, five days a week, one day off it wears on you and your energy. If a client isn't willing to do anything then we find it hard to be motivated. You can only cook and clean so much. This sitting down for all that time is mentally and physically draining. Today is my day off and I am trying to get the laundry done and other household things that get neglected when you are not home!
So that's all I am going to report in this post...ughhh LOL
Wednesday, May 15, 2013
Day whatever to the rest of my life
How many times do we say that? Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Too many times. I know I have. Thing is everyone says life is what you make it. Hmmmm so now that there are so many people looking for jobs, living on the edge of poverty, bankruptcy and surviving how can we say there are people who chose their life?
I for one did not choose this life that I have. I have attempted to make changes. I can not dismiss the fact that we moved into a town where the jobs dried up. I have gone to school several times to get a better start for my kids. I can not control who hires me and who didn't. I have worked for people who have cut hours of their workers to hire family. Is that fair? Definitely not.
I just completed a social work program. I have agreed to work with the aboriginal group I am a beneficiary of. So I do what I was required to do, completed the program and have my degree. So now I have to wait for a job. Meanwhile I am in a job that sucks. I don't like the direction this is going in. So right now I am still in the same boat before I got my degree. So what am I supposed to do?
So when will it be the first day of the rest of my life, who knows? I sure as heck don't know.
Oh well one day it will come....I hope!
I for one did not choose this life that I have. I have attempted to make changes. I can not dismiss the fact that we moved into a town where the jobs dried up. I have gone to school several times to get a better start for my kids. I can not control who hires me and who didn't. I have worked for people who have cut hours of their workers to hire family. Is that fair? Definitely not.
I just completed a social work program. I have agreed to work with the aboriginal group I am a beneficiary of. So I do what I was required to do, completed the program and have my degree. So now I have to wait for a job. Meanwhile I am in a job that sucks. I don't like the direction this is going in. So right now I am still in the same boat before I got my degree. So what am I supposed to do?
So when will it be the first day of the rest of my life, who knows? I sure as heck don't know.
Oh well one day it will come....I hope!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Back at it again to try and figure it all out
So I said I was coming back and I slipped into the I don't have tie etc. So now I am making a change in that. To get my mind organized I need to do something.
So I am now officially a social worker, well just waiting to register. At the grand old age of 46 I have achieved something I never thought I was smart enough for.
I was never good enough in my mind, never smart enough (kinda proved myself wrong on that one!), never pretty enough, never thin enough, never ever ever.... but what I was doing was making myself never ever ever. Rejection is a part of life.
I don't like those little sports things with kids saying...we don't have losers...ummmm unfortunately life isn't like that. Parents who raise children with this ideal of being perfect, wonderful, over achievers are doing their children a dis service. Children need to lose this sense of entitlement that they have, they face failure in life, not getting on the team at school, not making the grades to be top of the class, not getting into the college they want etc. the list goes on. Failure or mediocrity is a part of life for a lot of people. Its not a bad thing to fail, it makes you stronger.
So here I am trying to define myself by others ideals. So now I am "good enough" and "smart enough"/ To be honest I really haven't gotten that much smarter. I have been able to connect what I knew to what society wants, a bit of paper to add value to what I already knew. I can say things with professional sounding jargon but that's it I am still me.
I am still fat, still not the winner of the beauty contest, I need a lot of dental work and my hair is greying. To be honest its not that bad. I dye my hair for my own vanity (46 is way too young to be this grey) and when I do find a position to work in I will get my dental work done.
So now the journey of the rest of my life begins. Step one. Get a job...a social work one!
So I am now officially a social worker, well just waiting to register. At the grand old age of 46 I have achieved something I never thought I was smart enough for.
I was never good enough in my mind, never smart enough (kinda proved myself wrong on that one!), never pretty enough, never thin enough, never ever ever.... but what I was doing was making myself never ever ever. Rejection is a part of life.
I don't like those little sports things with kids saying...we don't have losers...ummmm unfortunately life isn't like that. Parents who raise children with this ideal of being perfect, wonderful, over achievers are doing their children a dis service. Children need to lose this sense of entitlement that they have, they face failure in life, not getting on the team at school, not making the grades to be top of the class, not getting into the college they want etc. the list goes on. Failure or mediocrity is a part of life for a lot of people. Its not a bad thing to fail, it makes you stronger.
So here I am trying to define myself by others ideals. So now I am "good enough" and "smart enough"/ To be honest I really haven't gotten that much smarter. I have been able to connect what I knew to what society wants, a bit of paper to add value to what I already knew. I can say things with professional sounding jargon but that's it I am still me.
I am still fat, still not the winner of the beauty contest, I need a lot of dental work and my hair is greying. To be honest its not that bad. I dye my hair for my own vanity (46 is way too young to be this grey) and when I do find a position to work in I will get my dental work done.
So now the journey of the rest of my life begins. Step one. Get a job...a social work one!
Sunday, January 6, 2013
New Year new promises...to me
OK so I know if anyone bothers with this anymore I didn't come back.
New year new attitude.
I am going to be a university graduate in a few months. 46 years old with my first degree.
I have been working crazy hours in the last few years. I gave up a shift....still have 106 hours worked and two paid holidays on my next pay cheque.
So I have decided to make a few changes. Don't know how long it will take to do it but I will. I am going to make a list.
I am hoping to get back to this blog. I really want to ...keep progress reports.
New year new attitude.
I am going to be a university graduate in a few months. 46 years old with my first degree.
I have been working crazy hours in the last few years. I gave up a shift....still have 106 hours worked and two paid holidays on my next pay cheque.
So I have decided to make a few changes. Don't know how long it will take to do it but I will. I am going to make a list.
I am hoping to get back to this blog. I really want to ...keep progress reports.
Tuesday, July 3, 2012
I know I promised to come back...and I forgot!
So here I am, forgot this site and couldn't find it! But I am back again. I am tired. I am busy. I am fed up. I messed up, as I blog on several sites online. But this one is my honest blog. This is where I am honest with everyone of who I am.
I am still alone. I don't mind being alone. I am still in school, kind of, I didn't do well and failed a course. I am hanging in though.
I am working all hours god sends me too. I have a year left before I complete my degree.
I am struggling all the time.
I am going again now. BBL
I am still alone. I don't mind being alone. I am still in school, kind of, I didn't do well and failed a course. I am hanging in though.
I am working all hours god sends me too. I have a year left before I complete my degree.
I am struggling all the time.
I am going again now. BBL
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Gz where did the time go?
OK so it seems that I haven't really posted anything since last year. Where do I begin. First off I am still in school! Its been a struggle but I am still hanging in there. I am still single, more comfortable with that these days, I don't have time to date etc. I am back to work part time. I am grateful for that.
My daughter struggled with school and ended up quitting the damage had been done to her. She is going about a different route starting in January for her education. I am glad I knew she was pretty down even suicidal at one point. I didn't want that. I had to deal with what I wanted as opposed to what she needed. I am a big girl I got over it. Main thing is she is still alive if its a struggle she is still around.
I will be back and forth here. But thats the condensed version of whats happened in the last year. I will come back another day and blog about my insanity that I have been suffering for the last few months!
My daughter struggled with school and ended up quitting the damage had been done to her. She is going about a different route starting in January for her education. I am glad I knew she was pretty down even suicidal at one point. I didn't want that. I had to deal with what I wanted as opposed to what she needed. I am a big girl I got over it. Main thing is she is still alive if its a struggle she is still around.
I will be back and forth here. But thats the condensed version of whats happened in the last year. I will come back another day and blog about my insanity that I have been suffering for the last few months!
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