Geez I thought I was doing well

So I can't control my addiction. Actually addictionsssss. I am a gambler, its how I cope. I am tired and stressed and worried about money so I just dumped myself in a whole lot of needless worry. I am addicted to shopping too and food. Junk food is another coping mechanism. Guess what its all related to money, and I have to spend a lot of money that I don't have. Meanwhile my financial situation is being put at risk. So I need to make some changes quickly. I am hoping to get it sorted by Christmas.
Meanwhile I am working a new job. Its going well, I am getting into the momentum of things.
I am diabetic too btw. I haven't been taking care of myself. Dumb I know.
Its all a muddle right now and I don't like it. I am addicted to chaos. That's another problem. If things are going too well I create the problem to get me back into the state I have lived in for so long.
I need help...I have to help myself. Another long haul ahead of me.

Ughhh

That's how I am feeling these days. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am bored. The weather has been wet and snowy and cold. I know a huge error in correct writing but that's how I feel. There are  a lot of ANDs in my life and a lot of BUTs.
Since completing school I have been working my butt off trying to keep the house, cable, electric and phone. I have applied on three positions in my area (Social Work). No interviews or anything, but I am not the only one. They aren't in a rush to fill positions I am thinking. I am in a rush to get working!
I am working with youth in a residential home. Our client is demanding on some levels, but per usual they are teenagers. So working 12 hour shifts, five days a week, one day off it wears on you and your energy. If a client isn't willing to do anything then we find it hard to be motivated. You can only cook and clean so much. This sitting down for all that time is mentally and physically draining. Today is my day off and I am trying to get the laundry done and other household things that get neglected when you are not home!
So that's all I am going to report in this post...ughhh LOL

Day whatever to the rest of my life

How many times do we say that? Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Too many times. I know I have. Thing is everyone says life is what you make it. Hmmmm so now that there are so many people looking for jobs, living on the edge of poverty, bankruptcy and surviving how can we say there are people who chose their life?
I for one did not choose this life that I have. I have attempted to make changes. I can not dismiss the fact that we moved into a town where the jobs dried up. I have gone to school several times to get a better start for my kids. I can not control who hires me and who didn't. I have worked for people who have cut hours of their workers to hire family. Is that fair? Definitely not.
I just completed a social work program. I have agreed to work with the aboriginal group I am a beneficiary of. So I do what I was required to do, completed the program and have my degree. So now I have to wait for a job. Meanwhile I am in a job that sucks. I don't like the direction this is going in. So right now I am still in the same boat before I got my degree. So what am I supposed to do?
So when will it be the first day of the rest of my life, who knows? I sure as heck don't know.
Oh well one day it will come....I hope!

Back at it again to try and figure it all out

So I said I was coming back and I slipped into the I don't have tie etc. So now I am making a change in that. To get my mind organized I need to do something.
So I am now officially a social worker, well just waiting to register. At the grand old age of 46 I have achieved something I never thought I was smart enough for.
I was never good enough in my mind, never smart enough (kinda proved myself wrong on that one!), never pretty enough, never thin enough, never ever ever.... but what I was doing was making myself never ever ever. Rejection is a part of life.
 I don't like those little sports things with kids saying...we don't have losers...ummmm unfortunately life isn't like that. Parents who raise children with this ideal of being perfect, wonderful, over achievers are doing their children a dis service. Children need to lose this sense of entitlement that they have, they face failure in life, not getting on the team at school, not making the grades to be top of the class, not getting into the college they want etc. the list goes on. Failure or mediocrity is a part of life for a lot of people. Its not a bad thing to fail, it makes you stronger.
So here I am trying to define myself by others ideals. So now I am "good enough" and "smart enough"/ To be honest I really haven't gotten that much smarter. I have been able to connect what I knew to what society wants, a bit of paper to add value to what I already knew. I can say things with professional sounding jargon but that's it I am still me.
I am still fat, still not the winner of the beauty contest, I need a lot of dental work and my hair is greying. To be honest its not that bad. I dye my hair for my own vanity (46 is way too young to be this grey) and when I do find a position to work in I will get my dental work done.
So now the journey of the rest of my life begins. Step one. Get a job...a social work one!

New Year new promises...to me

OK so I know if anyone bothers with this anymore I didn't come back.
New year new attitude.
I am going to be a university graduate in a few months. 46 years old with my first degree.
I have been working crazy hours in the last few years. I gave up a shift....still have 106 hours worked and two paid holidays on my next pay cheque.
So I have decided to make a few changes. Don't know how long it will take to do it but I will. I am going to make a list.
I am hoping to get back to this blog. I really want to ...keep progress reports.

I know I promised to come back...and I forgot!

So here I am, forgot this site and couldn't find it! But I am back again. I am tired. I am busy. I am fed up. I messed up, as I blog on several sites online. But this one is my honest blog. This is where I am honest with everyone of who I am.
I am still alone. I don't mind being alone. I am still in school, kind of, I didn't do well and failed a course. I am hanging in though.
I am working all hours god sends me too. I have a year left before I complete my degree.
I am struggling all the time.
I am going again now. BBL

Gz where did the time go?

OK so it seems that I haven't really posted anything since last year. Where do I begin. First off I am still in school! Its been a struggle but I am still hanging in there. I am still single, more comfortable with that these days, I don't have time to date etc. I am back to work part time. I am grateful for that.
My daughter struggled with school and ended up quitting the damage had been done to her. She is going about a different route starting in January for her education. I am glad I knew she was pretty down even suicidal at one point. I didn't want that. I had to deal with what I wanted as opposed to what she needed. I am a big girl I got over it. Main thing is she is still alive if its a struggle she is still around.
I will be back and forth here. But thats the condensed version of whats happened in the last year. I will come back another day and blog about my insanity that I have been suffering for the last few months!

OK I forgot!

Ok so I am so damn busy I forgot about this. I am sorry although no one reads this anymore anyways but thats OK too this is my little space. So whats been up with me??? Struggled with life, school and work. I do have a lot to add but will do that later on sometime...LOL not the first time I said that and disappeared for 5 months or more!

test

see if this will work now!

Sorry I am late

My life has been insane for the last few weeks. I survived another Christmas and another semester in school. Not sure if this is worth it anymore. Tired of the bullshit. But thats my life now. I have managed to get a few shifts with work but things have been so nuts. My husband had to lend me 800 to get some work done on my place. I am tired of it all now. I will blog again soon, just a quick jump on to say holy shit I've been busy. BBL

Ohhhh Myyyyyy

Busy busy busy. I am not sure what to do anymore! I only have two weeks of school left but I have a ton of work! My job is gone, but I have been called into work. So at least I have a little bit of money coming in December. I am tired of doing it all on my own. I would like someone to share Christmas with, and my birthday. I will be sharing it with my kids of course...love them to bits. But will be at my exhusbands for Christmas and get to see what he bought himself for Christmas and what his dummy girlfriend bought him. I will get my boots. I am getting a gift from my daughter this year though, which will be nice! So I am hoping to have money to treat myself once everything else has been taken care of. But I would like to be someone special to someone else. Have a special Christmas for a change. I always find this time of year stressful. I can't afford much in life. I have always been struggling and thats what it feels like Christmastime..one big struggle. I would love a good Christmas for a change.
Oh well life is life we make it what it is. Life could be a hell of a lot worst. One good thing is I don't have to work over the holidays but if they ask me to I will. But I am feeling like staying home for a bit, cooking for my children and having a break. Odd shift here and there...works for me! LOL I was thinking of getting a winter coat for myself for Christmas! Also want a really nice handbag, some books and chocolate. Just have to get a couple of shifts to make that happen. Thats all I want in a month about four shifts. My kids have a lot this year....I have to get a couple more gifts for them but thats in the budget. I don't buy for friends or anything like that...I don't have the money so we decided that years ago its good to have friends who understand. Actually I normally never buy myself anything but the exhusband has been treating himself....so if I can I will too LOL.

Something I wrote a few years ago...

I wrote this a few years ago and I keep losing it and finding it! So writing it here now once again...guess its words I need to live by:

I have accepted being fat. I have to accept myself as someone who has value, who has a good heart,and someone who is intelligent and whitty. Not be self depreciating, not ashamed of recieving a compliment, not to blame all that goes wrong on me, not to get uptight over rejection. I am worthy of the love and the support I recieve. Smile and be gracious and not argue. The only person who can make a difference on the inside is myself, even if its just to allow others to help me make a difference. Doesn't that sound easy!!

Thats the thing...it sounds easy but I have to take control once again!

I just don't know anymore

Why is it so hard to be a parent? I think the girl is lying to me now, probably smoking and there is some kind of attitude going on. So she wants to be trusted, so all we ask is she is in by 10 pm changed her curfew, tomorrow night is a issue she wants to be out on the weekend...work in the morning so I said 11:30 and she wasn't fussy on that idea. She is sixteen. As in most situations there is nothing you can do about teenagers. No discipline, not saying I would do anything to her but she knows there isnt' much we can do. No consequences. She knows if we throw out a ultimatum with her she is going to throw one back. Thing is her dad will take away something she really wants, so what will she do then? Hmmmm quit school, then its no school you have to work and pay rent, won't work...then were are we? I am tired, I don't need this crap.

What a pain

So think I have a few things sorted out, seems to be going fairly smoothly. Then again today bang kids and exhusbands pop up again. I am so tired of this shit. If I am going to be successful with this going to school...I need to be able to focus. Its scary. I have people laughing at me. I don't like it, being made fun of for something like a learning disability is not nice. But that tells me of the quality.

I am truely blessed

I am truely blessed, I am not a religious person but I do know I am blessed. I am exhausted its 1 A.M right now and have been on FB commenting on my situation. Four of my classmates have offered me support, emotional inspirational support. How fortunate am I.

All comes tumbling down :(

I am not having a good day. I think my job will be gone by the end of next week. Then my exhusband calls and there are some problems going on. Our daughter has decided she doesn't want to return to school. She is in high school, doesn't mind the work she says, but she isn't going anymore. She wants some counselling. I don't know what to do. She asked me to make her a appointment about a week ago and was getting around to getting to the hospital to fill out some forms. I think she is planning on going down in the morning. I am not going anywhere tomorrow until I find out what she needs. Probably due to a lot of things going on in her life. I am not angry or anything like that. If she doesn't want to go to school she is old enough, but I am hoping something will change her mind. I am hoping she just stays off the drugs and booze and no sex. I have no reason to doubt her before. She needs to take care of herself without losing herself in the process. She is still underage but when a child is mid teens in their last years of high school what can you do. If she wishes to take time off what am I supposed to do, can't force her. I just hope she can be helped and she regains control or learns control of herself. I know she has a issue with money, just like good (poor) old mom. I am so down right now, I don't know what I am going to do. Someone just said to me that God gives us what we can handle. Such a hard journey, I would love to rest by still waters right about now.

Geez hateful days are here again

OK so my exhusband called me at 7:30 this morning. Telling me about something our 12 year old son did. He accidentally left his parka and sleeping bag cover at camp or lost in transit this weekend. Of course he was yelling at him. I don't like it and I pointed that out to him. I am suffereing from tension headaches and upset insides from it all. I phoned down to the hospital to the counselling centre, I need a appointment and I need one for my daughter she asked for one the other day. Oh Lordy what a day what a week what a life! I am going overboard on ordering things again...not a good sign.

I am not sure whats going on

I have had a pretty down couple of days. Not sure why. My lovely daughter gave me a gift yesterday, she said no one had done anything for me getting into the program so she gave me a fantastic card, a mug that says "women who behave never make history", a little shopping bag with my name on it..with the meaning of principled and self effacive. Also a amethyst keychain/bag chain. I love it. I have to have more faith in myself. I have to believe in what I am doing. I seem to have become depressed again. I don't like it, I hate it, and been trying to find ways not to feel this way. I know I am feeling overwhelmed and not sure about what I have been learning about myself. I think its a self protection in my mind, don't believe or you will fail. I had a phone call today as well, I am going to be tested for a learning disability. That would be great if I knew what was going on when I try to understand things and I have a hard time with it.

OH late class today yayyyy

LOL yeah sometimes I am easy to please. I did make the doctors appointment that I need to make. New prescription required, they put me back on Naproxin but I still have a lot of pain. Going to see if I need to see someone about the frozen shoulder, the sore elbow and now pain in neck. I need to see about getting a colonoscopy. I have a lot of family history of colon cancer, my moms only brother is dying from it now. So now I have to get it done even though its something I have avoided for a long time. So now no excuses. I have health insurance as a student of Memorial University. LOL sounds funny I am a BSW student of MUN. Its been a long hard stuggle. Its been worth it. I have to be more self aware of myself. I have a lot of stuggles still but right now after the retreat I am calmer. BUT I have work to do. I have done some of it this morning and maybe tonight at work I will do some as well. OH well my thoughts are still coming out choppy on blogs LOL. I am going to have to find time to do up that list of things. I have a agenda but its not big enough hahahaha. So much reading to do, assignments and group work. During all this I have to figure out my issues, I know now the impact of oppression and shame on my family. I can't change a lot of things such as my moms attitude or her way of coping. I have a lot of changes to make. You cannot ask your client to go further in their own healing or understanding past your own level of dealing with things. Great hey! So its a lot of work and I supress a lot of things, I avoid it and look for distractions. I have been doing the open mouth insert foot moves lately...all part of my dealing and coping with things. I should shower its a hour before class. Have to make myself presentable! Then off all afternoon and no classes until Tuesday! This morning is my only class this week....sweet gotta love it :)

If I had the time I would make myself a proper list LOL

So I am extremely busy. Well I should be but I am not. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I have a lot of school work to do I also have a lot of personal stuff to do. I enjoy the fact that my boss has asked me back to do some casual part time work. I am really dependant on it but I have to realize that my schoolwork is whats going to keep the money coming in. I have a couple of work placements I am required to do. I am going to see if I can stay here for the first one the fall of 2011 its my daughters last year of high school. She wants to become a doctor. She is doing four sciences this year. She has been off sick this week though a bad stomach virus is on the go. I hope her grades are going to last this year. OH well but the last semester will be Jan 2013 and thats a work term. I am considering seeing if I can do it in a city with a high aboriginal population. I was thinking somewhere like Ottawa. We have seen a lot of information and I am wondering the effects of living in the city on aboriginal people, specifically Inuit. I am looking at finding work away from home maybe once my return in service obligation is finished.
BUT now I have to know what to do, when it needs to be done and then I need to make some doctors appointments and a budget. Worst part of going to school is my living allowance is once a month....last working day of the month....its so hard to budget on that! Oh my I have psych this morning....child development is this semesters work....ugggg LOL.