Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish I had a "normal" life. I wish I had met the perfect man years ago, had my two kids that I have now, a regular job and a secure future. Right now my life is up in the air and I have been on my own more or less for almost two years. Well I was on my own for a few years because my husband was here but he wasn't. We killed ourselves working and trying to get enough money to exist. He cut himself off from me years ago, the depression didn't help but eventually the marriage died....guess there was nothing left for us. So all that work and being apart and not giving the kids a life they deserved or a life we deserved came back to bite us in the ass. People always seem to think they never have enough. I just want to be happy. No worries, just be happy, don't need a lot of money just enough to be comfortable, and be happy with what I have. I have been poor emotionally and physically and financially. I want to be rich with feelings and emotions and be happy.

To do list

I often say I don't do new years resolutions. I don't think its something that I have to declare at the start of every year and disappoint myself by not doing it. There are certain things that I do and have been doing and things that I try to do as ongoing projects. I try not to make it too big, that way its not daunting....I get overwhelmed pretty easily. I would like to accomplish a few things in the next few months. I have been clearing out a lot of crap out of my home but thats been going on for over a year now since my separation. Taking it in steps and I am a compulsive buyer. Thats a issue I need to address soon as well I guess. I keep saying I am going to get healthier and I am going to find a new job. Sounds easy I know. Now I have a few blocks, I am a procrastonator, a dreamer, and someone who has not a lot of self belief. Couple of more things I have to overcome LOL. I need to get out more but then I also need to sort out some money issues....another reason to find a new job. I am working on myself as well as I can. Too much to do and too little time...LOL

What the future holds

I don't know but I know the present is pretty messed up. I want to do so much but I am in a rut. A serious rut. I need to do something soon though. The time of year I guess. But I need to make a few changes. Just need motivation, and thats hard to find.

Depression

I think of depression as like walking on the beach on the waters edge. Sometimes the water just wets your feet and its very calm. Where as some days your in deeper and the water is choppy and rough. Thats what depression is like.....its there, just depends on the conditions that make how much of it you have to deal with it!

Yup I use that F word

Well yes I use the FAT word. No way of hiding it, I am what I am. Iam not ashamed of it. I don't like it when people think I am free game to insult, put down or make fun of. I am fat not stupid. Although most fat people in todays media are projected that way. I am considering losing some, but thats because I need to be more comfortable, I have a job where I don't move around a lot and I do have some issues so thinking maybe its time to be a bit healthier. Sad thing is I will lose some of my boob and I will need to buy new clothes. Bummer. See how it goes I guess.

Life is what you make it

Well not really. I have had a life of depression, insecurity, self doubt and sometimes wonder if its all in my head. Have I taken so much in my life and taken it to heart. I grew up with strict parents. I think that its probably not as bad as I remember it, I think I have a bit of a dramatic side to me that comes out at the worst of times. But I am trying to change things in my life, and to be honest I am wondering when its going to stop. Once that ball gets rolling its hard to stop. I had depression for awhile, took some pills which to be honest made me crazier. I was in a marriage that turned pretty poor pretty fast. There was a definate lack of money, attention, emotion and thought. Famine in the family on all levels. I cringe now when I look back on a lot of it...thats the stuff that I remember....depression kind of erases memories.
So lifes not exactly how I made it. I have influences that have rerouted what could have been.

I wonder...

I know I am not blogging on a full time basis...yet. I did blog before and found it very therapudic but not in the best places to open my soul. So once again I find myself wanting to vent, share, muse online. I guess its the idea of being able to anonymously do this is what makes it so much better. I have considered seeing a counsellor. But you know I find this very lightening to be able to share....and not have to worry about anyone knowing who I am or my family. I have a lot of failings and a lot of figuring out to do. And I am hoping this will help me. I just wonder....if its going to be a good or bad choice...and only time will tell.