I think Heart just made me deaf singing Crazy On You...LOL got my Ipod on. Not dressed and not showered but have to get in gear because I have to work later on. I should plug in my new toy....I got myself a BlackBerry Pearl flip LOL...renewed my contract with the same #. Only reason why is to surf the net at work and my kids need to contact me they can...their dad I cancelled his number when I went to school and he still won't get one...said he cant' afford it...yeah right oh well.
Yikes 25 year reunion is this summer, doesnt' feel like it!
Monday, May 3, 2010
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Another brick in the wall
OK seems like I have song names on here LOL. OK so I was crapping the old panties thinking I hadn't passed school, had a anxious few days but last Monday I found out that I had pulled my ass out of the fire and had the following:
*Social Work 1710 70% which was a course I needed 65% to pass and before my last paper was submitted and the final exam I had a 65% average...phew!
*Social Work 3230 78% another course I had to have a 65% in to pass
* English 1080 74%
* Psychology 69%
I had to have a overall average of 65% as well....which I did and the normal passing grades for English and Psych were the 50%.
Because of the way they had the program set up we didn't receive any money until it was confirmed we had past. I had to run a household with no money for over three weeks. It wasn't pretty and had to borrow about 700 from the ex. He understood how I wasn't able to cope with bills and no money. I did manage to get back to work full time at my old place of employment. BUT I won't get a real cheque until this week coming up. So I have worked the whole time I am off. I go back to school on the 10th, tomorrow is a day off and I won't be off again until the weekend before I go back.
I have been doing some extra work as a polling clerk with the elections for a representative of our local aborginal association. So I have been making up lists of what I have to pay, and I may actually be able to catch up again.
I now have to complete this semester, womens studies, sociology, psych and english again then go through the process of actually applying for the school of social work in september. We will be having orientation with that. Out of all of us that are doing this only 20 will go on. I am so nervous about that part but I have to do my best and ensure that the references I choose to send in to the school of social work will be beneficial to my future.
I have so far in the last month lost 6 lbs, not a lot but its a start, I had gained about 30 in the last year or so due to lack of movement. I try to walk whenever I can and try to eat properly. Once again I am trying to do a lot of stuff at once LOL.
Still no one on the man front either but I have been wrapped up with the school work etc. I have worked so hard with the courses, and I think I did pretty good with the marks. I have a lot to do in the upcoming months as well.
I had applied for and accepted for a home repair funding program for off reservation aboriginals but they ran out of money. Last month I had a letter saying they could do the repairs....resubmit. I haven't heard anything about that but I am hoping it will come through!
I know now as well I can't go back to work in the place that I was in before. I have encountered some conflict but I have also seen the drama and the inefficiency, and commented on it. I spoke to the team leader and the supervisor/owner about it. LOL May is going to be a good month for me! I recieved the late cheque last week but now I have a full pay coming, the new funding cheque, the election cash and a heating rebate. LOL I will still be broke but I am hoping to poke a few hundred away for a rainy day. Student money sucks and no chance of overtime and its a struggle.
But I am a survivor I have realized and the Aboriginal studies have empowered me somewhat and I know I tried my best and I did pretty damn well when I was feeling down about it all and falling apart because I had no faith in myself.
*Social Work 1710 70% which was a course I needed 65% to pass and before my last paper was submitted and the final exam I had a 65% average...phew!
*Social Work 3230 78% another course I had to have a 65% in to pass
* English 1080 74%
* Psychology 69%
I had to have a overall average of 65% as well....which I did and the normal passing grades for English and Psych were the 50%.
Because of the way they had the program set up we didn't receive any money until it was confirmed we had past. I had to run a household with no money for over three weeks. It wasn't pretty and had to borrow about 700 from the ex. He understood how I wasn't able to cope with bills and no money. I did manage to get back to work full time at my old place of employment. BUT I won't get a real cheque until this week coming up. So I have worked the whole time I am off. I go back to school on the 10th, tomorrow is a day off and I won't be off again until the weekend before I go back.
I have been doing some extra work as a polling clerk with the elections for a representative of our local aborginal association. So I have been making up lists of what I have to pay, and I may actually be able to catch up again.
I now have to complete this semester, womens studies, sociology, psych and english again then go through the process of actually applying for the school of social work in september. We will be having orientation with that. Out of all of us that are doing this only 20 will go on. I am so nervous about that part but I have to do my best and ensure that the references I choose to send in to the school of social work will be beneficial to my future.
I have so far in the last month lost 6 lbs, not a lot but its a start, I had gained about 30 in the last year or so due to lack of movement. I try to walk whenever I can and try to eat properly. Once again I am trying to do a lot of stuff at once LOL.
Still no one on the man front either but I have been wrapped up with the school work etc. I have worked so hard with the courses, and I think I did pretty good with the marks. I have a lot to do in the upcoming months as well.
I had applied for and accepted for a home repair funding program for off reservation aboriginals but they ran out of money. Last month I had a letter saying they could do the repairs....resubmit. I haven't heard anything about that but I am hoping it will come through!
I know now as well I can't go back to work in the place that I was in before. I have encountered some conflict but I have also seen the drama and the inefficiency, and commented on it. I spoke to the team leader and the supervisor/owner about it. LOL May is going to be a good month for me! I recieved the late cheque last week but now I have a full pay coming, the new funding cheque, the election cash and a heating rebate. LOL I will still be broke but I am hoping to poke a few hundred away for a rainy day. Student money sucks and no chance of overtime and its a struggle.
But I am a survivor I have realized and the Aboriginal studies have empowered me somewhat and I know I tried my best and I did pretty damn well when I was feeling down about it all and falling apart because I had no faith in myself.
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Hello Darlin'
Its been a longggg timeeeee!! yeah OK Conway Twitty comes to mind....been a little while since I have been here. Of course tomorrow is the first exam of the finals...not ready and here I am on here. I just got home from aquafit as well...but you know what I need it. I have lost a couple of pounds and want to lose more.
I am in a lot of pain but its going to be worth it.
I am hoping to get a pass in the courses so I can go on. If not I am going to question a few things further.
Sorry I haven't been around...will be back soon! Just thought if anyone was reading this I would at least say sorry but I will be back!
I am in a lot of pain but its going to be worth it.
I am hoping to get a pass in the courses so I can go on. If not I am going to question a few things further.
Sorry I haven't been around...will be back soon! Just thought if anyone was reading this I would at least say sorry but I will be back!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Its been a year
Well its been a year since he left. I didn't know at that time that that would be the last time I would see him. I was expecting to see him the week later.....instead I got treated like a bag of shit.
I am not over it, probably never will be, but I am going on with my life. Maybe if he was still in my life I wouldnt' be going to school doing the social work program.
A lot of what ifs.
My friend has been driving me crazy with negativity and I am so picking up on it. I am eating self destructive behaviour is back again.... I don't know how to handle it! I don't want to give in and gamble but then again I don't know what to do with myself.
Clean my home which has been a wreck since I started school, do some school work ...lots to do but I am not motivated.
I am not over it, probably never will be, but I am going on with my life. Maybe if he was still in my life I wouldnt' be going to school doing the social work program.
A lot of what ifs.
My friend has been driving me crazy with negativity and I am so picking up on it. I am eating self destructive behaviour is back again.... I don't know how to handle it! I don't want to give in and gamble but then again I don't know what to do with myself.
Clean my home which has been a wreck since I started school, do some school work ...lots to do but I am not motivated.
Monday, March 8, 2010
I gave in
Yup I have been in a self destruct unsettled mode for the last couple of weeks. Am I beating myself up about it now, no because for some reason I have been feeling out of sorts. Right now its not such a bad day I don't think. Life is going about the usual pace and I am starting to want more.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The End of this Day Happiness and Sadness
I am here listening to my new Ipod. I am relaxing now, had my gambling support group tonight...been over a month since I last gave in. My sister went on a cruise last week and got married in the Grand Caymens. Needless to say I am sitting here crying looking at her pics on the social networking FB. I commented that I was looking at my beautiful sister a glowing radient bride and her husband looking at her like he was the luckiest man on earth...true love thats what its all about. I would love to have that kind of love in my life. Will I ever? Who knows all I know is I am not settling for the next man who comes along. I have to be sure of what I want when I do meet someone I am interested in. Life is never easy and the choices we make aren't the best but thats what happens. I want someone I can grow together with not grow apart.
I went to class today even though I found it hard. It was hard, we had some speakers in today and they helped me make some connections with how I feel about myself and my origins. Its really hard sometimes to recognise some things about yourself and how you have been thinking of people around you. As part of the social work program we are learning to overcome the oppression from white society and become stronger as aboriginal people. I guess my issues lay in where and who I am. I am proud of who I am and who my family is. But I can't help it I can pass for white and as one of the instructors we have that "white priviledge". I am not a racist person by any means. Its just a fact that aboriginal people have been oppressed for generations. But I am not radical in thinking like some are. I often wonder if I am the one who has to change my way of thinking. Although I think we should respect people for who they are and where they came from and we are all equals.
I have to sort myself out. I am so much better than what I was thats for sure. I am not saying that my issues have gone away but I am calmer. I had a fall back last week...owed people money big time because of my being a goof off. But I didnt want to gamble I didn't want anything but to get myself sorted out. I didn't cry or get upset ...I swore for a couple of minutes. Thats good I didn't beat myself up over it. I had to drag myself out of the funk and the depression after the man that I loved dumped me. But its made me stronger and made me change in ways I thought I never would. I still get lonely but thats no excuse to be hopping beds. I have had a couple of offers in the last few months but they were the kind of offers thats what it was a quickie. How many men want to have sex but their wives don't want it so they sneak around. No thanks!
I went to class today even though I found it hard. It was hard, we had some speakers in today and they helped me make some connections with how I feel about myself and my origins. Its really hard sometimes to recognise some things about yourself and how you have been thinking of people around you. As part of the social work program we are learning to overcome the oppression from white society and become stronger as aboriginal people. I guess my issues lay in where and who I am. I am proud of who I am and who my family is. But I can't help it I can pass for white and as one of the instructors we have that "white priviledge". I am not a racist person by any means. Its just a fact that aboriginal people have been oppressed for generations. But I am not radical in thinking like some are. I often wonder if I am the one who has to change my way of thinking. Although I think we should respect people for who they are and where they came from and we are all equals.
I have to sort myself out. I am so much better than what I was thats for sure. I am not saying that my issues have gone away but I am calmer. I had a fall back last week...owed people money big time because of my being a goof off. But I didnt want to gamble I didn't want anything but to get myself sorted out. I didn't cry or get upset ...I swore for a couple of minutes. Thats good I didn't beat myself up over it. I had to drag myself out of the funk and the depression after the man that I loved dumped me. But its made me stronger and made me change in ways I thought I never would. I still get lonely but thats no excuse to be hopping beds. I have had a couple of offers in the last few months but they were the kind of offers thats what it was a quickie. How many men want to have sex but their wives don't want it so they sneak around. No thanks!
Where do you turn
Right now I am dealing with a lot of crap. I am doing well in school I think. I am trying my best and working hard at it. Psychology is hard and I don't like it but I am trying to stay positive. I am dealing with prejudice from within the class, from my own people. Then make the best of it my mother seems to be prejudice against me as well. I can't help where I was born but I am more Inuk than some of the girls who are causing the rift. I was awake three hours last night thinking about it. Its wearing me down inside, I am not a prejudice person but I knew by doing this course and having to move away I would be dealing with that kind of thing. I was willing to take it on and deal with it. I didn't' expect to be treated that way by my classmates.
I am struggling with this now. I am dealing with the attitude of not being understood and being the same as everyone else. My mother grew up on the coast and its like its my issue because its bothering me. Its not my issue my issue is people who have those problems should be looking at it themselves to get over their way of looking at things. I am tired of this crap.
All my life I was made to feel not good enough. I have dealt with abuse, substance abuse, ignorance, prejudice, been raped and oppressed. I am not a victim I am a survivor. BUT I am tired of it all. I don't deserve this no one does. I just dont' know what to do about it. I am trying to understand but to be honest I am being judged without being understood. Of course my mother has a lot of resentment and I was never good enough. I married a man who made me feel I wasn't good enough. Well you know what I am who I am and thanks to all the fucked up treatment I am doing pretty damn good I think! But I dont' want this to get me too down...its taking its toll.
I am struggling with this now. I am dealing with the attitude of not being understood and being the same as everyone else. My mother grew up on the coast and its like its my issue because its bothering me. Its not my issue my issue is people who have those problems should be looking at it themselves to get over their way of looking at things. I am tired of this crap.
All my life I was made to feel not good enough. I have dealt with abuse, substance abuse, ignorance, prejudice, been raped and oppressed. I am not a victim I am a survivor. BUT I am tired of it all. I don't deserve this no one does. I just dont' know what to do about it. I am trying to understand but to be honest I am being judged without being understood. Of course my mother has a lot of resentment and I was never good enough. I married a man who made me feel I wasn't good enough. Well you know what I am who I am and thanks to all the fucked up treatment I am doing pretty damn good I think! But I dont' want this to get me too down...its taking its toll.
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