The End of this Day Happiness and Sadness

I am here listening to my new Ipod. I am relaxing now, had my gambling support group tonight...been over a month since I last gave in. My sister went on a cruise last week and got married in the Grand Caymens. Needless to say I am sitting here crying looking at her pics on the social networking FB. I commented that I was looking at my beautiful sister a glowing radient bride and her husband looking at her like he was the luckiest man on earth...true love thats what its all about. I would love to have that kind of love in my life. Will I ever? Who knows all I know is I am not settling for the next man who comes along. I have to be sure of what I want when I do meet someone I am interested in. Life is never easy and the choices we make aren't the best but thats what happens. I want someone I can grow together with not grow apart.
I went to class today even though I found it hard. It was hard, we had some speakers in today and they helped me make some connections with how I feel about myself and my origins. Its really hard sometimes to recognise some things about yourself and how you have been thinking of people around you. As part of the social work program we are learning to overcome the oppression from white society and become stronger as aboriginal people. I guess my issues lay in where and who I am. I am proud of who I am and who my family is. But I can't help it I can pass for white and as one of the instructors we have that "white priviledge". I am not a racist person by any means. Its just a fact that aboriginal people have been oppressed for generations. But I am not radical in thinking like some are. I often wonder if I am the one who has to change my way of thinking. Although I think we should respect people for who they are and where they came from and we are all equals.
I have to sort myself out. I am so much better than what I was thats for sure. I am not saying that my issues have gone away but I am calmer. I had a fall back last week...owed people money big time because of my being a goof off. But I didnt want to gamble I didn't want anything but to get myself sorted out. I didn't cry or get upset ...I swore for a couple of minutes. Thats good I didn't beat myself up over it. I had to drag myself out of the funk and the depression after the man that I loved dumped me. But its made me stronger and made me change in ways I thought I never would. I still get lonely but thats no excuse to be hopping beds. I have had a couple of offers in the last few months but they were the kind of offers thats what it was a quickie. How many men want to have sex but their wives don't want it so they sneak around. No thanks!

Where do you turn

Right now I am dealing with a lot of crap. I am doing well in school I think. I am trying my best and working hard at it. Psychology is hard and I don't like it but I am trying to stay positive. I am dealing with prejudice from within the class, from my own people. Then make the best of it my mother seems to be prejudice against me as well. I can't help where I was born but I am more Inuk than some of the girls who are causing the rift. I was awake three hours last night thinking about it. Its wearing me down inside, I am not a prejudice person but I knew by doing this course and having to move away I would be dealing with that kind of thing. I was willing to take it on and deal with it. I didn't' expect to be treated that way by my classmates.
I am struggling with this now. I am dealing with the attitude of not being understood and being the same as everyone else. My mother grew up on the coast and its like its my issue because its bothering me. Its not my issue my issue is people who have those problems should be looking at it themselves to get over their way of looking at things. I am tired of this crap.
All my life I was made to feel not good enough. I have dealt with abuse, substance abuse, ignorance, prejudice, been raped and oppressed. I am not a victim I am a survivor. BUT I am tired of it all. I don't deserve this no one does. I just dont' know what to do about it. I am trying to understand but to be honest I am being judged without being understood. Of course my mother has a lot of resentment and I was never good enough. I married a man who made me feel I wasn't good enough. Well you know what I am who I am and thanks to all the fucked up treatment I am doing pretty damn good I think! But I dont' want this to get me too down...its taking its toll.

still in the same old boat LOL and there are a lot of leaks

Well I had to bum and borrow all this week to catch up on bills. I am trying to get things sorted out but I am having to adjust to once a month paydays as well. I am hoping to get all my T4s for income tax stuff soon I want to get it done and get the money soon! I hope to get close to five this year. I am pinning hopes but at this point a couple would be good. With five I have the town taxes paid on this place and the house insurance. If its only a couple then I get caught up on a couple of bills and hopefully a couple of hundred in the bank.
I haven't gambled in almost a month now which is big for me. I am thinking its because of all the upheaval going on in my life.
I need to get things straight now because I want to get out more on the weekends. I need to get a life on the go! Of course I have been wasting time and money but now I have to make a effort. I know that I will never hear from that man that I loved again. I was thinking about it and he hid away when his marriage ended and he will do the same with me. I have heard he hasn't been to town since and I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't seen here again, unless he can get in on the morning flight and leave on the evening one. He is gone for sure now.

OH my

I am so tired, I have a lot of work to do but I need to take a break. I have been doing school things for the last few hours. Stayed later to do some things. I am so tired! I am trying to keep on top of things!

Gee I am tired

I just had my first day of classes. Not even real work yet but there is a lot to cover! I really need to work at this stuff for sure, I have to make that cut.
I wish I had more money LOL. I want a better life I guess...thats why I am going to school!

I really need sleep LOL

Yeah I have been awake over a hour now. Have a lot on my mind, I forgot to eat (even though I can afford it I am so fat from this year of work) but my body almost gave out at school yesterday. I think my sugars were way off and my blood pressure is up. I found out as well that out of the 37 or so starting school only 20 of us will actually go on to do our degree....NOT the news I wanted to hear. So what do I do.....try my best and cross everything. I now have to find some volunteer work to do to boost my CV for the school of social work.

Tomorrow is the beginning

SO I quit work a week ago and so glad I did! Tomorrow is orientation for school, two days of that then on Monday it all begins. A whole new way of life....money is going to be tight but thats OK! I am used to it and things will get easier one day!