The Passing

Well that was a horrible time, for about 2 hours I was considering going to the hospital. I really thought I would do myself in. I haven't been to that depth in a long long time. I am so glad I wasn't home. I didn't tell my coworker until that time had passed. I hope thats it, I can't handle too many more of those moments.

I had a great time

I went out for wings with my coworkers. I think it was suggested to cheer me up kind of thing ( show how much I mean) but it turned into a little party to say no matter what we have happen in our lives we are together. And we also agreed that even if we have issues and bitches about each other we all do it and its OK because when we are together its all OK. I then went to bingo with one of my coworkers...and I won! I ended up about $40 up from this morning so that money is going to go on a night out with my best friend on Friday night! I know how its going to end up though... me upset. But thats what we do when we are together we talk and we cry if we are down. I have decided not to go back on the crazy booze to get drunk I just want to be able to see my friends and get out. I have wanted to go out for awhile but never did, but my friend is dealing with some things as well, I didn't realize how it was bothering her until I talked to her yesterday. She needs a night out as well, it will be good to catch up with her.
Its all still early days I know.

Emotions

Right now I am going through so many emotions. I sit here and cry and cry and cry. The next minute I am fine. Next minute I am sitting here and wishing he would fucking choke. I don't know why I am hating him so much. I guess its my way of dealing with things. I have made a appointment with a counsellor. It was something I had to do anyways.
I found out that he had deleted his profile on a site we chatted on. One of the women I work with told me to rejoin so I did. I actually chatted with someone I had chatted to before I had met the man that I love. I gave up chatting when I met the man I love because he was all I needed. So talking to a man in a normal conversation was nice, although I did go on about the failure of this relationship. I told him I didn't remember talking to him and I don't but he was a nice man and he said that was OK. Weird to talk to someone again, and there was nothing sexual or anything which is what i don't want.
Wish my emotional state would calm down although its early days yet. You can't get over a broken heart over night. Its going to take a long long time.

I hate life

Yes I do. Life really really sucks. I try not to think that way too much because some days the depression is too close to enveloping me. Right now I am sitting here just after getting a phone call from the man I love. He won't be here tonight and to be honest I am really down. I have dinner ready to be heated, been looking forward to this one night we were going to have. I think right now I am borderline depressed. Now I know this for one reason last week before he left me I cried for a hour, that was first thing in the morning, I normally cry when he leaves for a little while because it was soo good to have him home with me, but not for a hour in the last morning we have together.
I have been managing things the best I could but sometimes its nice to be cut a little slack. Just give me a few days of happiness, a break, like a week where everything seems normal. Now it seems like its never going to happen. I don't want a lot, just a week where I have peace and quiet, a normal life. Now I am rambling...I hate life right now :(.

Like I didn't know

Ok here is the thing I am fat. Yup I know people hate that word but you know what its true. Might as well call myself that, society seems to think its OK to insult and attack a person verbally for their size. One thing about me though is I try to take care of myself properly. What I look like not only is a reflection on me, but my kids, my family and the man that I love. I am lucky now I can take better care of myself. I do have cosmetics ( I don't wear it all the time though), I can afford to get my hair cut, I can afford to be picky over the clothing that I wear.
One of my coworkers told another coworker that she couldn't go swimming and when it was mentioned that I was big as well she replied yes but I am attractive. That was nice to know ! And the coworker who told me that said yes I was because I take care of myself.
There was a point in my life when I was poor, had holes in my pants, ugly shirts and had to cut my own hair. But that was that part of my life. When I was depressed around that time showers weren't a priority sometimes. But I am not in that phase of my life, I come from a family of clean people which helps. Not just clean but always aware of their appearance. Not high maintenance but know what needs to be done...shower, hair, clothing doesn't have to be fancy but clean and suitable.
So just because I am fat...doesn't mean that I don't care. But like I said what you do or what you look like can reflect on who you are with and who you are.

Binging and Purging

Nope not food, just getting rid of things I have bought and don't use anymore. Movies and books, some clothes (you know the type I mean, stained, torn, shrunk in the wash). One person I know she wanted the clothing and I am going hmmmmmm NO. I know she would wear the stuff to work and sorry but I don't want to see that.

Getting active

Well I have been considering my options for awhile now. I bought a pedometer a few weeks ago so its waiting now for me to get active. I have been reading about the wii stuff on the go and considered it, I have also considered changing my gaming options. I bought a PSP last year but I find the games limiting. I have a couple of co workers who have a DS and one of them has been talking about brain age. My doctor has recommended I do exercise ( helps me with coping I guess and getting things moving) and I know that I need to change my focus more.
One of my coworkers wants me to join swimming classes ( red cross ones). I am considering it if the price is right LOL.
I have been feeling a bit out of sorts, emotionally, physically, and things have been a little stressful. I have been having a lot of muscle twitches as well and its annoying.
So I have my Ipod waiting now for warmer weather and I have ordered a docking station for it thinking maybe when I am home alone and doing things I will be moving more with the music playing....hell if I am alone I will probably be singing because no one will be able to hear me LOL.