Ugggg

Too many mosquitoes too hot and too much work and not enough money LOL

owwwwwww

Yeah I am in pain LOL not too bad, the mole is gone from my neck. Going to be weird not seeing that there. I am thinking its too hot to have this bandage on, and its going to be hotter tomorrow and the next day. Got things sorted out with my mom and my sister for babysitting. Now if I could get my house sorted out! I need to get my life sorted out!! My coworkers can't believe how strong I am. I am falling apart in so many ways but it doesn't show!
Oh yes just found out one of my coworkers is applying for the team leader job and I am not happy. She does not have my support in that decision. Not good,I won't be making it easy for her, in regards to myself anyways.
Come on life.....change change change!

Too Damn Early

I am awake before 6 am again. Hateful it is. Between my puppy and my bladder I had no chance. I have to go to work this morning. Days until next Monday, 12 hours dragging out before me every day. I try not to take my computer with me anymore. I also only have one now the laptop I got from him is now going to be the kids. I don't need two, well not two laptops, I do like desktops but not too worried about having one. Today I have to get another mole removed, going to have to take my son down as well for his appointment.
I had a problem with my mother and taking care of my nephew. I emailed my sister last night and said that my mom feels that my daughter can't cope with him and either herself or myself should be there. So I am thinking OK so she expects my daughter to go down and be there when she needs her. She is waiting to go see the doctor herself and she feels that she may have had a mini stroke. So I suggested that my sister look for someone to take care of him for a couple of weeks. Not fair to expect us to be down there for nothing. What would my daughter do if my mom is being bossy and doing stuff then she gets sick. Part of my stop being me and start being me process. I was talking to my counsellor about it yesterday. Making a few changes, I have issues now with money so don't borrow and don't lend. I have to lose weight, eat properly, going to spend less time online ( at the hospital once or twice a week helps on that front LOL). I am glad I decided to take that step to go see a counsellor. I denied a lot of things but now I am making a effort to make a change, and my counsellor says a lot of things I am doing are normal when it comes to my addictions. I have to take more control now of it all. Still don't know why I fear people so much but she says maybe its a self esteem thing.
I also do the avoidance thing. So part of it now is looking at what I am doing. Yes I am a gambler and its no good for me. I am not going to keep everyone happy and first thing I have to do is change myself. I am a procrastonator, I am a dreamer, I have a lot of fears about things. Thats why I have a mess. I try to do things get it half done. I need to be more motivated. I need help a lot of help!

hmmmmmmm

a woman can't live on diet coke a handful of chips alone.....thats what i ate today until now....like i said I have to eat properly. I need to get down for the last test, a glucose tolerance test. The sound of that one scares me, I have to stay at the hospital in case I faint. Thats something I don't want to do ( I have self esteem issues and discussed that with my counsellor today). I don't want to be sick I am tired of it all :(

Have to start taking care of a few things

I went and saw my counsellor today. I told her with everything thats going on in my life I don't think I have hit rock bottom. Even though I have screwed myself over now bill wise( I gambled and lost it all on friday :( ) I am getting overwhelmed, I am at the hospital every week to see her then I am back and forth getting bloodwork done etc. I am sleeping so so but not great, my eatings off big time. I am so stressed I actually sat here and cried just then. I had to explain to my son that it wasn't the phone ringing ( it showed up as the man that I loves work number, I didn't recognise it at first, I had to dig out his card to find out for sure.) I have been fooling myself and have taken on too much. I am going to be working 7 days straight then helping take care of my nephew. Meanwhile my house is a horrible horrible wreck. I am selling off a couple of things as a consequence to losing so much money this week. I am not beating myself up over it but like I said I am afraid where I don't feel I hit bottom what to do. My counsellor said I don't do much for myself, gambling was about it but I don't go out to the clubs or anything like that. But I need to get things in order. I have screwed up a lot and I said to her sometimes I am looking for a reason to hate myself or be upset myself. She says I have come a long way since I started going. I have a hell of a long way to go, I told my son I am like a car stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels but going no where. I guess I need to stop being who I am and try to find out who I am. I have made a couple of decisions in the last few days, no money no bedroom furniture, no loans for anyone or from anyone. I am not touching any machines and cash is something I can't be trusted with, my addictions are too strong right now and if I don't want to end up on the street I have to think of that. I have to eat properly, try and rest and not work too much my health physical and mental are on the line right now. I had developed a eye twitch in March and its really bad right now. Bad enough looking like I do but the constant twitching is pissing me off! No one wants a crazy woman I am thinking.

I have to remember....

That I have to find someone to be in my life that should be lucky to be loved by me and to be the one who loves me. I told my son yesterday I don't need to find someone to complete me I have to find someone who is going to compliment me, who when we are together can be happy with each other and we bring out the best in each other. If someone doesnt' love me that way then they don't deserve me. I just watched a video of photos done up by a coworker for her wife on facebook and they are happy. Not all the time but they feel its worth it, the distance when her wife is away working and she is here waiting. We had that in common once we waited for the person we loved. Just her wife didn't dump her when it got a little complicated...they rode out the rough patches and they still do.

Well Wadda Ya Know

I just upgraded this laptop to IE8 and I really like it, facebook is so much easier. Had a counselling appointment that went great, I really enjoy it so much going to see her.