Thinking

I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days. I have done very good in self control. I have not emailed or attempted to contact him. I have been thinking and thinking mulling things over and over. My first reaction to the news was hurt and anger. Its all a bit irrational sometimes but thats how I handle a lot of things. I was always one for emotionally trying to supress things, but as I have matured I have become more and more unable to do that. I just don't like it, I dont' want to be hurt because I guess I am a bit of a emotional backwards person. But of course I can't stop loving. Damn Love.
I still don't know what to think of it all. He should be in town sometime today or tomorrow I guess. Was I sitting here waiting for him? No but in the back of my mind I was trying to be mentally prepared for it all. I know that I have done as best I could considering how things are. I loved that man and gave him as much affection as I could. We all need that and I was willing to sit here and wait for him because I thought it was all worth it. I guess the price of giving me that was too high for him.
Tomorrow will be my first counselling session. I had my family here earlier and I really didn't want them here, today I wanted to be left alone knowing he might be in town. I definately know that I will have a lot to talk about tomorrow. I need to sort out some of this week, which has been a difficult one. I haven't had any problems sleeping, I have felt some relief, I went out had a good time, and have tried to remain in control.
I did have my moments of irrationality, I deleted myself in anger from a site we belonged to and emailed him about it. Then in hindsight I thought well why did I do that, so I readded myself but you know what I have hardly been there and have no interest now he isn't there. I went back only because its somewhere I had been for a long time, it was a habitual place to be. I don't miss it though I miss him. Damn it I miss him.
I hardly eat, I haven't had a normal stomach since Tuesday and I don't know if thats stress or lack of food. I am not hungry though I try to eat at least once a day. I wonder if he even thinks of me or what he is thinking. I am so screwed up but I keep trying to put on a brave face. But what for.