Tired so very tired

I am so exhausted. I may not seem like it in my life to see me but I am. Schoolwork and applications have been so big in my life at the moment. I have my entrance written exam on Monday and I am not ready. I am going to relax until Sunday and then crack on it. I am not sure what I want. I know what I want I want a "normal' life, a man who loves me, a secure home, a secure good paying job and not have to worry about what a shit life I am having and the shittier life my children are having. I am providing zero support for anyone, with financial or emotional or physical. I am desperately burnt out, working on papers trying to remember what I want to do about things. I am alone in so many ways. I am considering giving things up just go fuck it all...and give up. I know I am venting because this is the point of my life where I am wondering what the hell am I doing? I would love to win the lottery tonight...life would be so much easier...well guess tons of money means a whole new set of problems!

One Pround Momma

I am so proud of my children this week. Both of them passed in school my son is going to grade 7, gulp that sounds strange even saying it. My daughter had her awards night she just completed grade 10, she received a award for highest mark in History, she received a merit award for being in the 80s plus club, and in grade 10 she received the principals merit award, she had one of the top 5 averages in her entire grade (93%). Then last night was a fantastic moment, I cried, she cried, but she was amazing. Last night my daughter at 15 years old had her head shaved for the relay for life for cancer. She had 9 ozs of hair cut off, it was down her back, we will be sending it to Locks for Love and she also did fundraising to raise money, she has $1038 in pledges!
My son received a little award for being helpful and thoughtful from his teacher. He had a rough year again in school but he is going up to grade 7. That award means a lot to me as well, means he is doing well with being a young man as well.
:) My school well its going...but where I am not sure!

Making a effort

I am trying to feel better about myself. Going to school is a lot of work, its been cold etc so I haven't been taking care of myself properly so today is going to be a little bit of a me day. Just painted both sets of nails. I need eyebrows plucked and my feet need attention. Heels are really rough and I am going to sort out a few things of clothing I have. I am broke but I do need a couple of things regardless.

One thing I have realized

I have recently been thinking about relationships with men. I am afraid of them now, I am uncomfortable with the idea of meeting someone and being with them. I am afraid of intimacy and trusting someone seems impossible. Why should I set myself up like I did the last time. I say I would be in another relationship but thats easy there is no one around. I can't imagine being on my own forever but I have to face it, I am fat, unattractive and boring. I have a certain person in mind as in what I want and I don't think it will ever be met. Men are something that will use you for what they want, and they don't mind playing nice to get it. Its all a game to them I think, I had a husband who talks about me still as if the whole life we had and how it went wrong was all my fault. I had a man who I loved who treated me like dogshit. He got laid and had a place to stay when he came to town and thats all that he wanted, just had to put up with me to get it, but then again he was always out to save himself some cash so he was like a lot of men a hole is a hole I guess. I was so stupid and probably still am.

Hello Darkness my old friend...its good to speak to you again

I am definately feeling down. Wondering what to do with my life. I am on the track to a career in the social services feild but by the time I get there will there be anything in my life. Suicide slips into my thoughts like a knife into water....just slips in but you know what I am used to those thoughts. Thats all they ever have been were thoughts, never attempts or anything like it. I think its just the idea of nothing happening, no worries, no cares just gone and peace. Never been a option but the thought is still there, just make everything go away for awhile. Not happy these days, but I am tired of being always on, have to be on top of everything and even when I rest its not real rest because its constant the brain is going, my home is a wreck, the kids are a pain in the butt sometimes. I love them don't get me wrong but there are times I just want them to go to their rooms for a few hours or if I come home and the place is spotless, dishes done etc. My sister is going to have my daughter babysit for her this summer and she is ripping her off so bad. Not going to start anything over it but she is going to save herself money by having her there. I am hoping she won't expect her to take care of him in the evenings, she is paying her $20 a day and that should be 8:30 to 4:00 so after that should be my daughters time off. I think she will be sleeping down there for the conveinience of it. Oh well insomnia is in full swing its 3:30 and been up since 2:00 so hoping to get some rest now.
One of the girls in class has left now for a job, can't blame her that leaves 25 now so by the end of August we need to be down to 20.

Definately lost right now

Thats how I feel, even though I should know where I am. I am tired of the rollercoaster of school, work, sleep, eat and sleep with nothing or no one to look forward to. I am losing control of that old gambling thing again I think...but the frustration of my life is a big trigger for me. I basically have a friend who I get around with...just one. She is a hard person to be around but at least she calls and we go to the yardsales etc together. Sad life but she is single like me. I don't know what to do right now I am tired a lot of the time. Like yesterday we were busy gone all day so today I made bread, soup and banana bread. I try to keep on top of my house but its a losing battle. I have to work a 12 hour shift tomorrow. Long days mean not a lot of time when I am home and when I am home I am tired and trying to sleep. I am tired of the chaos all the time. I wish I was more secure with things, less bills and less responsibility. I have no direction right now, I am still in the presocial work semesters. I have to get to work on all that stuff. Its up to me but I just need a little help or drive sometimes.

Just feel a little lonely tonight

Yeah thats how I feel. How long is my life going to be this way? I only seem to work, go to school, go shopping or eating out with my friend. I cut that off, and I am trying to gain back the financial stability I once had. After being dumped last year I took a pretty big financial nosedive, it was my way of coping and its hard to bounce back. So I took control again this week. I am getting back in control even if it kills me LOL. I am tired right now, I don't even have a bed to sleep in anymore. I got rid of it and gave my room to my oldest, not like I need a bed I sleep on the couch thanks to work thats all I am used to laying on now. I have so much crap still in that room though, bunch of nail stuff, cosmetics, some jewelry I have laying around. I am so tired I haven't been taking care of my home and I hate it...it shows the chaos in my life, the chaos in my home. I can see that relation. Tomorrow I need to focus again, going to make bread, make some soup and do some school work....and try to get organized!