Hoo Hum

Well its the doldrums for me again. One good thing I think my home is now a little more secure than it was before, and finally someone actually thought I was right. I know there were things missing in my home, and I was adamant. Last week my doorknob was lose again, so I got the screwdriver and tightened it. Nope it was lose then it would swing open when locked. Not good when your working nights. So my ex or still husband whatever it is finally tried to do something about it. We found out part of it was missing. So this morning he came down after he dropped his girlfriend off at work and bought me a new doorknob and put it on and cut me some keys. Now I am more secure.
Tomorrow is next counselling appointment. I am in two minds on that one still. She didn't even remember that I was trying to see her last week. Not sure what I am going to say. Yup still nothing from the man I love, nope I haven't tried to commit suicide yet, nope I don't feel like I should yet, yes I have my kids with me, my lifes still screwed up and I am tired of people telling me how to live.
Kind of off for a week now besides a shift in the middle of it, but its OK. I need to sort out some clothes, shoes, and items in my kitchen. I have to see if I can get insurance to cover work on my porch. I will try and cook for my kids, I was looking at my food situation and its pretty gross, not going to buy any fruit for awhile it just goes off, so now I am doing a list of what to buy and no more meat welll ok chicken breast but thats it. I seem to be continuously getting rid of stuff but also buying in large amounts! Its that feeling of something to look forward to I guess. I have been invited to a wedding in St Thomas next April, my cousins daughter is getting married, she said it would be great to party on a 7 day cruise with me!
I have got to stop this buying bulimia thing that I do, I can't afford it!! Oh well one day my life will seem calmer. Right now I don't want to be a strong independant woman I want to be someone to someone, and thats not going to ever happen again probably.
My ex husband once said to me it was a good job he was marrying me because no one else would. I think he is right I can't even get a man to want to be with me.