Definately lost right now

Thats how I feel, even though I should know where I am. I am tired of the rollercoaster of school, work, sleep, eat and sleep with nothing or no one to look forward to. I am losing control of that old gambling thing again I think...but the frustration of my life is a big trigger for me. I basically have a friend who I get around with...just one. She is a hard person to be around but at least she calls and we go to the yardsales etc together. Sad life but she is single like me. I don't know what to do right now I am tired a lot of the time. Like yesterday we were busy gone all day so today I made bread, soup and banana bread. I try to keep on top of my house but its a losing battle. I have to work a 12 hour shift tomorrow. Long days mean not a lot of time when I am home and when I am home I am tired and trying to sleep. I am tired of the chaos all the time. I wish I was more secure with things, less bills and less responsibility. I have no direction right now, I am still in the presocial work semesters. I have to get to work on all that stuff. Its up to me but I just need a little help or drive sometimes.

Just feel a little lonely tonight

Yeah thats how I feel. How long is my life going to be this way? I only seem to work, go to school, go shopping or eating out with my friend. I cut that off, and I am trying to gain back the financial stability I once had. After being dumped last year I took a pretty big financial nosedive, it was my way of coping and its hard to bounce back. So I took control again this week. I am getting back in control even if it kills me LOL. I am tired right now, I don't even have a bed to sleep in anymore. I got rid of it and gave my room to my oldest, not like I need a bed I sleep on the couch thanks to work thats all I am used to laying on now. I have so much crap still in that room though, bunch of nail stuff, cosmetics, some jewelry I have laying around. I am so tired I haven't been taking care of my home and I hate it...it shows the chaos in my life, the chaos in my home. I can see that relation. Tomorrow I need to focus again, going to make bread, make some soup and do some school work....and try to get organized!

Feeling Pretty Confident

OK so I think I gained back a couple of pounds, its snowing out and its gross but I am feeling pretty good right now. I am glad to be back to school, had a interview today with one of the ladies from the school of social work and I think I did fairly well. I am still working as a call in worker, and I kind of addressed how I felt about things going on at work from previous days of work. I am confident that I will do well in school. I do have some work to do tonight. But its OK got rid of a few things, got some work done around the house, laundry is on the go, and its a little bit better than when I got home. LOL of course I sold a few things on FB flea market...$70 tomorrow will be in my pocket! Its all good....now if it was easy to get a relationship on the go it would be great LOL.

Tattoos

I do have one and I am planning on getting a couple more. I know there is one simple one Mi Vida Loca....my life is crazy so that was suitable I thought LOL. The other one I want I was thinking of a wrist one...simple, there is a Inuit cutting tool that is made for the woman called a ULU, its half moon shaped and used for cutting skins, cleaning them and preparing food. My grandmother had one, so the ULU would compose the band...and I was looking for the meaning of Always Learning in Inutitut. The Inuit language is more of a descriptive one in some ways so I would have to find the meaning for as learning throughout my life as a continuous thing. I learned a little bit about the Inuit language in school through a guest speaker and if I continue on I will be learning to speak it as part of the course. Its a very emotional thing for me because of the loss of our peoples cultures, traditions and languages through oppression. You don't really see it until you start looking at it properly.

You know what...

I think Heart just made me deaf singing Crazy On You...LOL got my Ipod on. Not dressed and not showered but have to get in gear because I have to work later on. I should plug in my new toy....I got myself a BlackBerry Pearl flip LOL...renewed my contract with the same #. Only reason why is to surf the net at work and my kids need to contact me they can...their dad I cancelled his number when I went to school and he still won't get one...said he cant' afford it...yeah right oh well.
Yikes 25 year reunion is this summer, doesnt' feel like it!

Another brick in the wall

OK seems like I have song names on here LOL. OK so I was crapping the old panties thinking I hadn't passed school, had a anxious few days but last Monday I found out that I had pulled my ass out of the fire and had the following:
*Social Work 1710 70% which was a course I needed 65% to pass and before my last paper was submitted and the final exam I had a 65% average...phew!
*Social Work 3230 78% another course I had to have a 65% in to pass
* English 1080 74%
* Psychology 69%
I had to have a overall average of 65% as well....which I did and the normal passing grades for English and Psych were the 50%.
Because of the way they had the program set up we didn't receive any money until it was confirmed we had past. I had to run a household with no money for over three weeks. It wasn't pretty and had to borrow about 700 from the ex. He understood how I wasn't able to cope with bills and no money. I did manage to get back to work full time at my old place of employment. BUT I won't get a real cheque until this week coming up. So I have worked the whole time I am off. I go back to school on the 10th, tomorrow is a day off and I won't be off again until the weekend before I go back.
I have been doing some extra work as a polling clerk with the elections for a representative of our local aborginal association. So I have been making up lists of what I have to pay, and I may actually be able to catch up again.
I now have to complete this semester, womens studies, sociology, psych and english again then go through the process of actually applying for the school of social work in september. We will be having orientation with that. Out of all of us that are doing this only 20 will go on. I am so nervous about that part but I have to do my best and ensure that the references I choose to send in to the school of social work will be beneficial to my future.
I have so far in the last month lost 6 lbs, not a lot but its a start, I had gained about 30 in the last year or so due to lack of movement. I try to walk whenever I can and try to eat properly. Once again I am trying to do a lot of stuff at once LOL.
Still no one on the man front either but I have been wrapped up with the school work etc. I have worked so hard with the courses, and I think I did pretty good with the marks. I have a lot to do in the upcoming months as well.
I had applied for and accepted for a home repair funding program for off reservation aboriginals but they ran out of money. Last month I had a letter saying they could do the repairs....resubmit. I haven't heard anything about that but I am hoping it will come through!
I know now as well I can't go back to work in the place that I was in before. I have encountered some conflict but I have also seen the drama and the inefficiency, and commented on it. I spoke to the team leader and the supervisor/owner about it. LOL May is going to be a good month for me! I recieved the late cheque last week but now I have a full pay coming, the new funding cheque, the election cash and a heating rebate. LOL I will still be broke but I am hoping to poke a few hundred away for a rainy day. Student money sucks and no chance of overtime and its a struggle.
But I am a survivor I have realized and the Aboriginal studies have empowered me somewhat and I know I tried my best and I did pretty damn well when I was feeling down about it all and falling apart because I had no faith in myself.