Hurt

I am very hurt at the moment. I found out that my boyfriend has been LOOKING at other womens profiles....the intimate encounters thing again. Why is it every man hurts me in some way. I didn't think that he would be looking but the thing is he is looking for women where ever he travels.
I introduced him to my family. My kids, my parents. And he is only the second ever man I have ever done that with. No one else has met my parents only my husband and siblings. This time around he was the first man I introduced to my kids.
I am a fool.

Lonely

Yup I am feeling pretty lonely right now. Idiot boy is going out this weekend with his woman because its her birthday. Its going to be a real social event by the sounds of it. Me, well no one wants to know me unless its for money it seems. I work with a bunch of women and thats my social circle. But then its a case of not having the same interests, they have their own little cliques. My kids are at a age where they independant enough but still around. I do like some alone time of course....I crave it. Occasionally it would be nice to go somewhere with someone and do something. Unfortunately with work schedules and the fact that I have no money is a influence, but it would be nice to do something and go somewhere. My man is the only person I can handle talking to on the phone most of the time. Then I get needy but thats because I am lonely.
I need a surprise in life, something that says hey someone is thinking about me. Someone who remembers who I am and actually likes me. I know for a fact if someone showed up on my doorstep right now it wouldn't be a flower delivery or a friend popping in it would be jehoveah witnesses or someone looking for a donation. I can't say Avon my friend sells it and she isn't going to call me until next week. God I am pathetic. Nahhhhhhhh I am just lonely.

What I need right now

is a laugh. Something positive just to bring the mood up. I should dig out a movie and veg out! They say laughter is the best medicine. Need to make some lemonade and stop sucking on lemons. The house isn't going anywhere any time soon so relax for a bit. I have a hard week this week because I am working three nights.

Well I started

Yup I started the path to losing some weight. I don't have any great expectations...20 lbs. I want to get rid of some of the work weight I put on. Of course I am hungry now....the brains way of rebelling. Normally I could go all day without eating. Now its feed me feed me. I am going to have to post a sign on my front door..Don't feed the bear LOL

Problem

Now theres a news flash....I have a problem. Anyone who reads this would probably say no kidding. My problem is that I used to be able to write. Since I had depression enter my life its gone. A lot of things have changed in me since I was depressed. A lot of my self confidence went ( bad marriage didn't help) I do have moments of self doubt. Don't get me wrong I have come a long way, went through a phase in my life where I did things so out of character for me. But in a way it was good, at that stage of my life I needed to feel attractive and interesting because I certainly didn't get that feeling at home. But the one thing I have noticed is that feeling of blankness when I try to write, that feeling of god its not going to be good so why am I bothering etc. Weird isn't it, how depression can effect your whole life, not just that immediate time in your life. My emotions run high and sometimes and my reactions sometimes vary to the situation but try and write....can't do it. I can blog thank goodness. Although my first attempt was great but that was during that phase of my life...I have moved on and changed. But darn it wish I could use my imagination differently.

I have a new "ism"

I used to create my own "isms" years ago. but I found one now that applies to me. I am a buying bulimic. Whats that? I purchase things, some things I don't need, and then I purge it. Might take me a year, some things I buy and after awhile don't like it. I am trying not to do that anymore. I am trying to have things that I want and like not just buy things because I can. OK sure when I go away I indulge. But then again I indulge anyways. I am not high maintenance, I do like nice things and try to look presentable though. I do my own nails, I do spend a little bit of money on hair and clothes ( sorry but anything half decent and plus size is going to cost you!) Right now though looking at my hair, I am probably better off doing it at home. I have been also purging things from my home that have been leftovers from my marriage. My family were hoarders. So its hard to go from that mindset to clearing things out.

Exes

I have to say my ex is pretty good to me now. Now don't get me wrong I still wouldn't be with him in any way. I know one woman I work with she still has hook ups with her ex even 3 years after they split. She says she is too shy to be with men too early on so its good for her that way. I could never live with my ex and there are days that I absolutely hate him. But it could be a lot worst. We have kids so thats why I wanted the marriage to end when it did. I took about a year or so to decide finally that I was ready to end it. Spent a couple of years trying to save it, then realized what was left wasnt' worth fighting for anymore. I think it was a real shock to him but now he realizes that it was the right thing to do. For years money controlled our relationship. He tried controlling a lot of it and he did because he could. He still does that in a lot of ways, and thats never going to change. I resent the fact sometimes that he is in a new relationship but only because they can be together when they want but I have to wait. He only started this relationship when he saw me going to dinner with my man and decided he didnt' want to be on his own anymore. But he has been pretty good, he has listened to me cry about my current relationship several times, helped me out when he didn't have to, and still does things for me in the home. Not many men would do that, especially when your wife is crying on the phone about gossip about her relationship and then crying again because she is afraid that her current man is going to get rid of her etc. Not all exes are too bad....but thats why I wanted this to end when it did so I wouldn't hate him. He would have been a pretty good friend I think....not that good a husband but a friend...not too bad.

Trust

I am involved in a long distance relationship. Everything was going pretty good until he revealled accidentally he had another profile on a site we were on. Now can you imagine getting a message from a man you love from a different name where he is looking for intimate encounters under a different name? Or the fact thats the profiles he looks at and the fact that we met on a adult site and thats what he wanted. So we were in a room one night and we were talking and he was on his computer. Down drops a web address....plus size escort site. Then he wonders why I have some trust issues. Thing is he doesnt' know why! Sorry but he was the one who put the doubt there. One of the things I fear most is that he is just going to find someone else, face it he could still have another profile, or find someone else a old familiar face maybe. He would probably call me silly or stupid or goofy. But I can't fight the way that I feel, emotions get high and that doubt comes on in. I don't think its rediculous that I should feel that way. I have no interest in anyone else. I don't go looking at profiles, and ignore other men who try to contact me. Actually that part of my life is long gone, I focus on him the only man I want or need. I had a few male friends online, but right now the only one I hear from is someone I have known online for about 6years and that contact is forwarded emails. I feel that the man I am in love with now is enough for me but I wish I felt like I was enough for him.

The next step I am going to take

I have decided to lose weight. Not a lot but just some to get me back to feeling more "normal". My job is very sedentary and I have gained a few pounds since I started it. I am not going to make it a big loss, 20 lbs is doable I am hoping. Will it make me skinny or thin....no and thats fine by me. I am hoping that its sustainable. Thing is I always weighed about 15 lbs less than what I do now. But I have always found that losing weight was too much work for me. LOL yes I know its something that has to be worked at. But I don't think weight is something worth killing myself over or making myself miserable and people around me miserable because I obsess about it. Fingers crossed I can do this...now I just have to eat all the crap in my home before I start...LOL gain 10 lbs to lose 20.

Sometimes I wish

Sometimes I wish I had a "normal" life. I wish I had met the perfect man years ago, had my two kids that I have now, a regular job and a secure future. Right now my life is up in the air and I have been on my own more or less for almost two years. Well I was on my own for a few years because my husband was here but he wasn't. We killed ourselves working and trying to get enough money to exist. He cut himself off from me years ago, the depression didn't help but eventually the marriage died....guess there was nothing left for us. So all that work and being apart and not giving the kids a life they deserved or a life we deserved came back to bite us in the ass. People always seem to think they never have enough. I just want to be happy. No worries, just be happy, don't need a lot of money just enough to be comfortable, and be happy with what I have. I have been poor emotionally and physically and financially. I want to be rich with feelings and emotions and be happy.

To do list

I often say I don't do new years resolutions. I don't think its something that I have to declare at the start of every year and disappoint myself by not doing it. There are certain things that I do and have been doing and things that I try to do as ongoing projects. I try not to make it too big, that way its not daunting....I get overwhelmed pretty easily. I would like to accomplish a few things in the next few months. I have been clearing out a lot of crap out of my home but thats been going on for over a year now since my separation. Taking it in steps and I am a compulsive buyer. Thats a issue I need to address soon as well I guess. I keep saying I am going to get healthier and I am going to find a new job. Sounds easy I know. Now I have a few blocks, I am a procrastonator, a dreamer, and someone who has not a lot of self belief. Couple of more things I have to overcome LOL. I need to get out more but then I also need to sort out some money issues....another reason to find a new job. I am working on myself as well as I can. Too much to do and too little time...LOL

What the future holds

I don't know but I know the present is pretty messed up. I want to do so much but I am in a rut. A serious rut. I need to do something soon though. The time of year I guess. But I need to make a few changes. Just need motivation, and thats hard to find.

Depression

I think of depression as like walking on the beach on the waters edge. Sometimes the water just wets your feet and its very calm. Where as some days your in deeper and the water is choppy and rough. Thats what depression is like.....its there, just depends on the conditions that make how much of it you have to deal with it!

Yup I use that F word

Well yes I use the FAT word. No way of hiding it, I am what I am. Iam not ashamed of it. I don't like it when people think I am free game to insult, put down or make fun of. I am fat not stupid. Although most fat people in todays media are projected that way. I am considering losing some, but thats because I need to be more comfortable, I have a job where I don't move around a lot and I do have some issues so thinking maybe its time to be a bit healthier. Sad thing is I will lose some of my boob and I will need to buy new clothes. Bummer. See how it goes I guess.

Life is what you make it

Well not really. I have had a life of depression, insecurity, self doubt and sometimes wonder if its all in my head. Have I taken so much in my life and taken it to heart. I grew up with strict parents. I think that its probably not as bad as I remember it, I think I have a bit of a dramatic side to me that comes out at the worst of times. But I am trying to change things in my life, and to be honest I am wondering when its going to stop. Once that ball gets rolling its hard to stop. I had depression for awhile, took some pills which to be honest made me crazier. I was in a marriage that turned pretty poor pretty fast. There was a definate lack of money, attention, emotion and thought. Famine in the family on all levels. I cringe now when I look back on a lot of it...thats the stuff that I remember....depression kind of erases memories.
So lifes not exactly how I made it. I have influences that have rerouted what could have been.

I wonder...

I know I am not blogging on a full time basis...yet. I did blog before and found it very therapudic but not in the best places to open my soul. So once again I find myself wanting to vent, share, muse online. I guess its the idea of being able to anonymously do this is what makes it so much better. I have considered seeing a counsellor. But you know I find this very lightening to be able to share....and not have to worry about anyone knowing who I am or my family. I have a lot of failings and a lot of figuring out to do. And I am hoping this will help me. I just wonder....if its going to be a good or bad choice...and only time will tell.