OMG

I am going to school in January!!! The University had sent me a student number night before last while they processed my application. So me being me I set up the email account that goes with that number. LOL so instead of waiting I have been going to the site and waiting for a email!! I got one this morning! SO now this afternoon I have a ride to go down and sign the permission slip. I will have to walk back but one way is OK not so hard on my back and hips. God I can't believe it, I will have more time for myself too. I have to study and keep my marks up!!! Whoooo Hoooo I needed that good news today!!!

How Can I not sit here and cry

You know I am not a bad person. One thing I have learned about my life is that everything has a price. I don't get any free rides. No one understands my life because in some ways its not credible. I am disappointed right now, I have the opportunity to find out if I have been accepted to university. I can't fill out the permission slip and fax it back. I don't have access to that kind of thing here. So they emailed me back saying I can go to their office. So I called my mom to see if I could get a ride. Nope they have my cousin in from out of town so they just took her where she needed to go and then they have to go pick her up. Why don't I walk down. I could its slippery but I could but you know what I am in such bad shape that it would be hard on me. I just finished three night shifts and I am so sore its not even funny. The point was hoping maybe they would pick me up and take me down for something that is important to me. If I had $20 they could borrow it would be a different story then they would be here by now, and off to buy their beer. No wonder I am so screwed up. I have been programmed to be this way. My ex husband would charge me $5 for gas to take me to work.
Whats the point of living sometimes. Nothing like being made to feel like your a bother or burden your whole life.

Tired and Stressed

Well I am so very tired and stressed these days. I actually slept last night for a few hours straight for a change. Shift work is killing me. I heard from the University, they are reviewing my application. Its a long time to put my life on hold I have to go to school for four years then I have to work for the funding company for four years. A return in service contract has to be signed. Then I have to work within the organizations claims area. That means that I can't make any major life decisions for about eight years. If I do leave I have to repay everything. BUT thats it I will be secure more or less from the age of 50 or so. I will have a government job and will be able to move around to different social service departments.
I wish I could get a break though. I mean a real break. I spoke to my husband and told him he will take the kids back on my birthday. He wants to know why not wait until the following week. Its like you know what I have to start school the following week and I would like to have at least one day to myself. Not too much to ask I don't think.
Now I have to wait. and wait. and wait.

More news LOL

Ok well I have reached the point where I am now waiting to hear from school to see if I had been accepted or not. I am hoping I do I hate my job. Its gone down hill way too fast. I don't know anymore. I hate the way my life is going...damn cleaning fairy must have come in and died from shock LOL. So now its a waiting game.

Great more bad news

I guess I find out this week if I am getting laid off or not. I am so afraid right now. I hate where I am and praying that I get to go to school but thats not until January. So if I get laid off I have no money before Christmas. My husbands solution is he pays for the kids stuff, but I have to pay him back (thats no surprise I wouldn't expect him to be anything else but a idiot) and I have to keep the kids while he does that. He doesn't care that I won't have money for six weeks and have kids living here? I am frustrated with this and I have to keep going. When I first told him I might get laid off he asked about money I owed him to make sure he gets it.
He wants me to wait for my birthday gift, once again I don't expect anything else from him. I am letting the kids know what he said. His old bag slut of a girlfriends birthday is same month as mine, and I want to know if she will get hers on time.
I am tired of being treated like someone who is so insignificant to everyone that I don't matter. How I feel doesn't matter, how they treat me doesn't matter.
If I didn't have my kids I wouldn't have anything to keep me going. Sometimes its a very fine line that keeps me going...I am hoping it doesnt' snap any time soon. My kids deserve more than that.

I am afraid

I am afraid of getting involved in anything or getting involved with anyone. Not like anyone is interested but I am afraid. My life is sad and depressing and I hate it but its safer than trying to engage in anything with anyone. Face it the last man I was involved with I loved him with all my heart and he took it threw it on the ground and danced on it ....then disappeared.
So why set myself up for that again. I don't want to be used like a rag and thrown to the ground.

What kind of People live here?

Ok so this towns pretty bad for gossipers. Had a few things said about myself some of it I would sue for slander if I knew where it came from. I mean its bad really bad. Even the relationship I had with the man that I loved was a topic of gossip.
My husband has been going out with a woman for a little while. He was taking care of the kids the other night down here and went online and went to a site I introduced him to and emailed some of familiar names and a couple of new ones.
His girlfriend called him the next morning. One of the women he contacted printed out the email and brought it to her work....it was her boss. So what does that say about the boss, couldn't just say hey you know I am her manager and maybe its not a good idea for us to talk to each other. Or leave it be and not do anything. BUT to actually print it out and bring it to work...isn't that a horrible nasty thing to do!!
I heard her relationship went tits up awhile ago so maybe its spread the unhappiness all round!!

Wish I had someone to rely on

My son is sick. I worked all day and got home at 8 pm. My husband dropped the kids back to me at that time ( with him being sick it was good for his dad to take him...). He couldn't remember what time he had given him medication, he said he would be down in the morning, told him twice I am off tomorrow I am here but I may have to call him depending on our son. So I tried calling him to find out which number to call him on, so no answer or call back from the house phone or the cell phone. Guess he is off with his old slut of a girlfriend (she has cheated, I know and he hasn't said a thing) and thinking kids are gone he doesnt' have to think about it. Pisses me off you don't stop being a parent once you walk out the door. I am sitting here watching my son try to sleep in a chair, he has chills and now he is muttering and talking in his sleep...something he has never done.
I have been told I am selfish but I don't forget who I am and what I am. I do a lot for my kids, and right now I am not sure what I can give them anymore.