What to do

I am trying to figure out what to do about my finances. I am trying to get straighted up with everything. I am thinking I may have to cut off my house phone and internet for a couple of months. I just seem to think I am caught up and bang I look and I am behind once again. I could use a hair cut right now and I just ordered a bunch of towels to replace the ones I have had for a few years. They are actually pulling because the fibres are breaking down. Might cut down on the cable as well. Not sure, but that time of year is coming up that I hate so much. Even more so now I have no one to even consider spending time with anymore. Doesn't matter anyways not like anyone wants me.

Pet Peeve

OK so the last man I was with smoked, but then he quit. Now I work with women who smoke and it pisses me off. I hate it, and one woman who took the team leader position is constantly smoking. She stinks all the time and now I do sometimes as well. I just got a down coat and I could smell it on it. I don't think smoking should be allowed period. If your using your vehicle for work then no smoking should be allowed.

Life is what you make it

OK so I had a hell week at work again. I had to make a formal complaint about someone and of course its been handled the way they want to do it. I don't like being made look like someone who makes enough noise they have to listen. I was lied about plain and simple, I don't like it and I said so.
I have to start school in January, no questions about it. I was going to work and go to school but you know what I would only need to worry about some cash. I have to make up $400 a month from somewhere, then some months I need to work. I am going to ask that I be given a part time/call in job through work. I decided after all that stress of this week and how it was handled I need to get my priorities straight. A few months of tight money and what happens I get a degree in Social Work at best and I have to move away for a few years. I will have to work on the northern coast of Labrador because thats why the course is being offered. I am looking forward to that in a way. I am thinking of it as a chance to reconnect with the communties that my family has come from. I don't mind moving there, and now my son has talked about going with me in 4 years time.
I am seeing a new counsellor and its going well. She is setting up a treatment plan for me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it but you know what I need it. I am tired of the life I am living. I need to get things sorted out. I was trying to get things sorted financially. I am waiting to hear back from a bank if not I want to deal with getting some things consolidated.

High Rollin B*tch

Encountered one of those this week at work....and I was on the receiving end of it. I tried to do something that seemed OK at the times but I crossed a "favourite" of the boss. So it was mentioned that I was to be addressed on what I did, and then a comment was made on my hours. So you know what F*ck it...don't need it and don't piss me off. I am a spiteful person, well I can be. I won't be working any more than my 80 hours....I have extras this pay but thats because I have to do more training and a meeting. Other than that dont' f*cking call me and ask me to work like this then use it against me. I won't do it now, I don't need that shit. The old b*tch wants the hours....help yourself I don't need that crap. I will work my normal schedule from now on. OBTW I am on my 41th straight hour working and I have 19 more to go for this shift.... last time as well.

Going off the rails

I guess its everything going on I am going through a bit of a weird addictions obsessions phase. I have gambled pretty bad yesterday, I am eating crap and my homes a mess. I am going into a little bit of a hoarding phase as well. I am worrying that I don't have enough if I get laid off. Is it a possibility....always. I am going to be working 48-60 hour weekend. I had a frustrating weekend with work. Friday night one of the ones I care for took off outside in the rain with my shoes on. I was furious and if I have my way he should be responsible for replacing them. He had no right to take my belongings. Life is so frustrating!!

More Bad News

Six years ago at Thanksgiving my grandmother wasn't feeling well. My mom took her back and forth to the hospital. She was dead in less than three weeks. She had cancer. Now we just found out yesterday my mom surviving brother who she cares for has it in his liver and bowel. So in the last 9 years she has cared for a brother and mother who died and now she has to face the same thing with him. I don't know what she is going to do.

What to do what to do

I had a crazy day again! I spent over 2 hours in with the new counsellor. She is different but she is getting me to document my feelings towards the man who broke my heart. She also wants me to do a list of three goals I want to achieve. I had just enough time to get to work and bang there is a email. I haven't exactly been accepted to do the batchelor of social work program but they want me to do a foundations semester starting in January. Right now I could do it, working nights and weekends here. But what happens if I have to work a regular schedule with work soon. I don't know what to do!

Busy Busy Busy

I am so sore. I had to work nights all weekend. I had a busy weekend, days I went for rides with my friend, almost had to stop being around her last night but she calmed down. This morning I went and had my needle yayyyyyyyy!! Then came home and had to clear out my rooms for the worker to come in and tear it down. My husband came down to tear down my back step he didn't even do a quarter of it because he got sore. I had my kids down too they all stayed for dinner. I cooked chicken with all the stuff for a typical roast chicken dinner.
I had my group tonight and talked about gambling. I am getting more in control of it. I still do it but I am back to how I used to do it last year....not as a coping mechanism. I have to see a new counsellor tomorrow.
I am so sore and tired. Another day tomorrow...still breathing so far!

What do I Do

I just don't know what to do to shake this mood off. This time of year is always my favourite time but I also get very down on myself and life. I am sitting here so down on myself, I am starting to cry and I have to go to work soon. I don't know what to do to get myself back up. I still think of bad things to do, only for my parents and kids I am still here. I don 't care about or matter to anyone else in this world. No one wants a fat old ugly flawed boring person like me I guess. Probably good enough to f*ck and thats it. Face it nothing else interesting about me. A hole is a hole after all.