My life

I am sitting here looking on facebook and see that my friend has gone back to the UK. I thought how lucky I guess her husband had been posted away ( sometimes they go for a few months to different posts) and she has gone back after spending time in Canada. I was thinking how lucky she has a good life. She has a husband who loves her, she has a child and the ability to be able to be spending time with both of them. I always wanted that. I wanted to be able to spend time with my family, stay home and have a life that enabled that. A husband with a good job, I good home, just be happy. I kind of had that for awhile when I lived overseas. I took on a part time job when my daughter was a toddler to get out for a little while. I worked 1-5 Monday to Friday at a local shop. We didn't have any money issues, we were happy, we could travel. Instead we came back to Canada and now live in hell. My life is hell. Why is it hell? Because its never changing its just the same old crap all the time. My life is spiralling down the toilet. Hate it and wish I had a life I had wanted.

What a day

Well its been a few days since I posted. I am going to a gambling in session before work on Monday night, trying to drag my coworker with me. I think she is gone right into that gambling mode, I am trying to get out so why not get her to go and we can try and change in a positive way. But today was a day to remember. I went for a ride in truck with another coworker the other day and we went for a ride to her cabin. I said I had never been up the highway so we went up about 40 to her cabin. I said to her why don't we bring the kids down on Saturday just for them to get out and we could help her down to her cabin. She knew my son hadn't been out of town before so she said why don't we go churchill falls, 294 km away. So this morning her and myself and my kids and my daughters boyfriend went there for a ride. We had time to stop in Churchill to eat and have a quick look around. Sure we spent most of the day in the truck and they killed time watching movies but they got out of town. It was so good and now we are planning a trip further up the road in August. So have the days pics posted on facebook and I am tired in a good way and the money we spent today was better on the trip than gambling!

What day is it? What time is it?

OK I worked wayyyyyyyyyyy too much in the last couple of weeks. In the last pay period I did 143 hours. Now I did a extra 8 last night. I am really confused! My home looks like something exploded in here! I have 4 days off coming up and I am going to try and sort things out a little better. I have sold a bit of stuff, including some books, I have a ton of books out in my shed as well. Oh my I have been trying to figure out how not to give up control in my life. I need some motivation but of course no regular sleep or meals throws you way out of whack. I was watching TV yesterday and I suddenly realized how much I miss cooking. I mean I used to find it very therapudic in my past life. I was thinking of maybe finding a good recipe to try and cook. I used to experiment a lot once upon a time. Used to like grinding spices myself, crushing garlic. I think I am going to try and get back into that. I haven`t been anywhere for awhile and was considering going to bingo tonight. But I want to catch up on things before I do that. So tonight its a shower, put on my nightie and watch TV. I have to draw up a list of what I want in life. A few goals to aim for. My life has changed a lot in the last 2 months and now I need to realize that I have to take control and do things for myself because no one is going to be here for me. I am on my own, well and truely.

Weeding my way through crap

Yup today I am slowly going through crap LOL. I have got rid of a few things in the last few days and I have so much more to get rid of. But its good LOL still haven't got to my clothes yet!

Makes you wonder

OK I was pretty upset the last few weeks over the break up. Part of that was the fact it was unexpected and sudden. I have a friend who finally broke up with her boyfriend after 7 years, although she has been wanting to end it for at least 2 years. But she is talking how she is miserable and unhappy and its so upsetting. But what I am wondering if they agreed to end it and she hated him for years....why is she so upset? I would have thought she would have been grateful to finally be away from him.
I was upset because I was still in love, I was hoping we were going to last, we had a great relationship. She cursed him she called him down to the dirt and hated him. I know my relationship ended a few weeks ago, so I am a bit further along in living life again without him, but though she was going to be happier than this.
I still think of him often. I will for a long time but time will make it easier. I just dont' want him here at all, he imposed in my life where as I had no impact on his, the way he wanted it I guess. But doesn't mean that I am comfortable thinking of him here in MY TOWN. Wish he would just go away. He made a big enough fool of me as it is don't need to see him here to remind me.

A Little Good News

Well I had some good news today in a way. Had a doctors appointment. I haven't had a proper examination in about 2 years. So went and got my boobsicles and plumbing checked LOL. Everything is good, no surprises just have to wait for the normal test results. I was a little worried about going, no lumps yayyyy and the plumbing looks good. Blood pressure is 120/80 so thats perfect. She did try telling me to maybe change from injections to other things but its like no thanks. I have a few years before I have to consider that. So a little good news for a change!

I am a addict

Well I went out with my friend last night and did something stupid. I went gambling. I was fortunate to have hauled my ass out of the fire and won enough to cover most of what I took out of the bank. But thats it I have to stop. My life the last couple of years has been up and down. One of the big issues was my money and gambling. Take it or leave it sometimes but I did get into it deeply and lost savings. So now I have to stop. I am in the phase of doing things self destructive. I can't afford this I need to establish savings etc. Damn stuff, worst part is socially what I do sometimes. I have a coworker who wants me to go occasionally. I am going to get into control.

I HATE LIFE

I just had a blow up with my husband. Because of a stupid card I had to get a few years back and not being able to keep up with payments for a short while its now stopping me from getting a mortgage. I was working in a hotel and needed a winter coat and I had to get a store card because my husband refused to put it on his card. I ended up losing hours and that card got neglected for awhile. Instead a understanding husband who would buy the coat on his card and just include it in his payments I married a selfish prick who refused. I am so upset and I told him that because he wouldnt' buy me a coat during a rough patch I couldn't make payments and god forbid he wouldn't pay for the payments for me now its effecting my life now. My credit is good now but because they go so far back thats still showing. I had a counselling appointment today and of course discussing my marriage I came home to him being here. My son had to witness that but I had had enough.
I am tired of having to do things on my own. Make the best of it if I go bankrupt thats all I can do. If I sell this place he gets $20,000 because its what he is entitled or so he says meanwhile he can't be bothered to do much more than put a peice of plywood on my roof and hope for the best.
I just need a break I swear before I break.

I married a idiot!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrr

Yup I did! I was talking to him on the phone and we were talking and I mentioned how the kids had been keeping the house clean and I was going to give them money. Of course he doesn't have money for that to give them. Idiot. AND then he told them about the dog dying so now he told them it all depends on me on getting a new dog because only way they are getting one is if it can go to my house. I DON"T WANT THAT!!!

I know what I don't want

I was at work the other night and we went for a ride in car. Now I was about ready to puke by the end of it. The smell was horrendous. It was a mixture of stale smoke and old wet dog, stinky dog. I thought in my life I definately don't want those smells as a everyday thing. I don't miss dogs and I don't miss smoke.

Tired

I am so tired, worked a few hours yesterday and today. I have just picked up a few more hours. So this pay coming up I will have worked 131 hours. hmmmmmm 103 last pay, 100 this one and next one is 131. I am going to have to slow it down a little bit.

Rain rain go away

What a bleah day today is. I worked last night then spent a couple of hours at the hospital. Just routine things and I may actually be able to get a mole removed !!! Been waiting months for that. Had my injection today as well. I am tired, but life is OK now. I saw my counsellor yesterday and that went pretty good. I am glad that I started and she has helped me a bit. She mentioned yesterday how good I was looking. I am hoping to find out next week that a bank can help me out. If it does yayyyyyyyyyyyyy nothing much going on in my life right now work and work and work if I can get it. I offered to take on a couple of extra shifts next week. Gives me about 120 in that pay period but thats it I want to be able to catch up on things. Mothers Day and my dads birthday we are doing as a family meal. Everyone will be there including my husband. Don't care how his girlfriend feels its a family meal and he doesnt' have his mother here, and its my dads 70th. I treated my kids yesterday with a couple of hours and a couple of hundred dollars later LOL. Life is bleah but its routine no surprise....yet!