Another day

Well I did go see my counsellor. I basically fell apart for a hour. I didn't even introduce myself or anything just bang I was upset, telling her everything, how I felt what I had thought of doing to myself etc. I have to go back on Monday and see her again, I pity the poor woman.
Since the end of the relationship with the man I love its been interesting to hear what others have had to say. I know in a way they were trying to make me feel better but after awhile its like gee was I that stupid and gullible? How come I didn't know he was fishy, a liar, a cheater, a married man, a man who had it all his way, I was convinient and was being used. How he kept me where he wanted me to be and how he never had it so good. I have told them I trusted him, I love him, I wasn't waiting for him completely ( I did go out and I do have a job), I could understand the no phone or internet thing ( he explained that to me a long time ago before we even became involved.) and you know I love him (yes I still do) I worry about him and hope he is OK and getting himself sorted out. I felt like I wasn't pressuring him about anything, I didn't have immediate expectations and I thought he loved me like I loved him. Focusing on us when we were together, massaging, rubbing giving affection and attention because it was few and far between for us so take advantage of it while we could. I thought that made our time special.
One of my coworkers is dealing with a similar thing with a man she was involved in. Seems like she is the only one who isn't judging my relationship and I don't judge hers. We understand what each other feels about the men we love. Shame not too many people felt that way.

Not a good day

God I am sitting here crying and so broken hearted. I still don't know what happened. Another day where I want to curl up and die. I am wondering now whats going to happen with the counsellor today. I am going to need her for sure today!

Thinking

I have been thinking a lot the last couple of days. I have done very good in self control. I have not emailed or attempted to contact him. I have been thinking and thinking mulling things over and over. My first reaction to the news was hurt and anger. Its all a bit irrational sometimes but thats how I handle a lot of things. I was always one for emotionally trying to supress things, but as I have matured I have become more and more unable to do that. I just don't like it, I dont' want to be hurt because I guess I am a bit of a emotional backwards person. But of course I can't stop loving. Damn Love.
I still don't know what to think of it all. He should be in town sometime today or tomorrow I guess. Was I sitting here waiting for him? No but in the back of my mind I was trying to be mentally prepared for it all. I know that I have done as best I could considering how things are. I loved that man and gave him as much affection as I could. We all need that and I was willing to sit here and wait for him because I thought it was all worth it. I guess the price of giving me that was too high for him.
Tomorrow will be my first counselling session. I had my family here earlier and I really didn't want them here, today I wanted to be left alone knowing he might be in town. I definately know that I will have a lot to talk about tomorrow. I need to sort out some of this week, which has been a difficult one. I haven't had any problems sleeping, I have felt some relief, I went out had a good time, and have tried to remain in control.
I did have my moments of irrationality, I deleted myself in anger from a site we belonged to and emailed him about it. Then in hindsight I thought well why did I do that, so I readded myself but you know what I have hardly been there and have no interest now he isn't there. I went back only because its somewhere I had been for a long time, it was a habitual place to be. I don't miss it though I miss him. Damn it I miss him.
I hardly eat, I haven't had a normal stomach since Tuesday and I don't know if thats stress or lack of food. I am not hungry though I try to eat at least once a day. I wonder if he even thinks of me or what he is thinking. I am so screwed up but I keep trying to put on a brave face. But what for.

Oh what a night

Yes I have fixed the time stamp on here. its now after 4 am and I am just getting home. Went out and had a blast! Not a lot of people, really it was only my best friend a coworker and her brother. He drove. No one really out, but we gambled ( I had a free night out again most I spent really was trying to get home). Had a few drinks had a few laughs. My cousin was out and I hadn't seen him in a long long time. He moved to Alberta a few years ago, and he had a couple of heart attacks last year but he decided to come home for a break. I think a lot of my free night was him buying me drinks and he showed me a slip from the ATM of his bank balance and I was ashamed to think it was almost double my yearly income. But no matter what we had a laugh. Sat at a table and watched some of our crowd play pool. We went to another club but couldn't get a cab so we got my ex husband to pick myself and my best friend up to go to his place and get a cab. So while we were waiting I did some tidying up for him. We still had to wait almost a hour for a ride but you know what we were warm and had a bathroom to use and if nothing else he said we could sleep there if we couldnt' get a cab.
I dropped off my daughter some cash for tomorrow so she can have a good day out with he friend.
So all and all it was a good night.... no pressures or idiots for a change!! Good luck to the people who where walking at 4 AM.
Night all

What a week

Well I just got home from work and signed on to check things out. My daughter is online now telling me her boyfriend of over a year dumped her for a girl out west. Poor girl she is only young and have to deal with that at her age. So now I have to figure out a way of helping her and letting her know that I am OK.

Who am I kidding

Well I changed some stuff online, I am just going through the motions, and thats OK its not something you get over in a day. Blocked my profile on a site for awhile. I don't want it and don't need it.

I wish

I wish there was something I could do to change everything and make it better.

posts

I deleted some of my earlier posts last night after I got home from work. I decided that they were way too deep with a lot of emotions. Fact is I am alone, and I have to deal with it. I had posted some pretty upsetting stuff the last couple of days and I don't want that reminder of what I went through. I am in a lot of limbo right now. Moods are all over the place, emotions are running wild.

A Strong Woman

I changed the layout of my blog to try and remember who I am. I will have my moments but then who doesn't. I have been calm now for a little bit, a bit weepy but I am back to a better place than what I was earlier. No matter what I have to get myself together.

The Passing

Well that was a horrible time, for about 2 hours I was considering going to the hospital. I really thought I would do myself in. I haven't been to that depth in a long long time. I am so glad I wasn't home. I didn't tell my coworker until that time had passed. I hope thats it, I can't handle too many more of those moments.

I had a great time

I went out for wings with my coworkers. I think it was suggested to cheer me up kind of thing ( show how much I mean) but it turned into a little party to say no matter what we have happen in our lives we are together. And we also agreed that even if we have issues and bitches about each other we all do it and its OK because when we are together its all OK. I then went to bingo with one of my coworkers...and I won! I ended up about $40 up from this morning so that money is going to go on a night out with my best friend on Friday night! I know how its going to end up though... me upset. But thats what we do when we are together we talk and we cry if we are down. I have decided not to go back on the crazy booze to get drunk I just want to be able to see my friends and get out. I have wanted to go out for awhile but never did, but my friend is dealing with some things as well, I didn't realize how it was bothering her until I talked to her yesterday. She needs a night out as well, it will be good to catch up with her.
Its all still early days I know.

Emotions

Right now I am going through so many emotions. I sit here and cry and cry and cry. The next minute I am fine. Next minute I am sitting here and wishing he would fucking choke. I don't know why I am hating him so much. I guess its my way of dealing with things. I have made a appointment with a counsellor. It was something I had to do anyways.
I found out that he had deleted his profile on a site we chatted on. One of the women I work with told me to rejoin so I did. I actually chatted with someone I had chatted to before I had met the man that I love. I gave up chatting when I met the man I love because he was all I needed. So talking to a man in a normal conversation was nice, although I did go on about the failure of this relationship. I told him I didn't remember talking to him and I don't but he was a nice man and he said that was OK. Weird to talk to someone again, and there was nothing sexual or anything which is what i don't want.
Wish my emotional state would calm down although its early days yet. You can't get over a broken heart over night. Its going to take a long long time.

I hate life

Yes I do. Life really really sucks. I try not to think that way too much because some days the depression is too close to enveloping me. Right now I am sitting here just after getting a phone call from the man I love. He won't be here tonight and to be honest I am really down. I have dinner ready to be heated, been looking forward to this one night we were going to have. I think right now I am borderline depressed. Now I know this for one reason last week before he left me I cried for a hour, that was first thing in the morning, I normally cry when he leaves for a little while because it was soo good to have him home with me, but not for a hour in the last morning we have together.
I have been managing things the best I could but sometimes its nice to be cut a little slack. Just give me a few days of happiness, a break, like a week where everything seems normal. Now it seems like its never going to happen. I don't want a lot, just a week where I have peace and quiet, a normal life. Now I am rambling...I hate life right now :(.

Like I didn't know

Ok here is the thing I am fat. Yup I know people hate that word but you know what its true. Might as well call myself that, society seems to think its OK to insult and attack a person verbally for their size. One thing about me though is I try to take care of myself properly. What I look like not only is a reflection on me, but my kids, my family and the man that I love. I am lucky now I can take better care of myself. I do have cosmetics ( I don't wear it all the time though), I can afford to get my hair cut, I can afford to be picky over the clothing that I wear.
One of my coworkers told another coworker that she couldn't go swimming and when it was mentioned that I was big as well she replied yes but I am attractive. That was nice to know ! And the coworker who told me that said yes I was because I take care of myself.
There was a point in my life when I was poor, had holes in my pants, ugly shirts and had to cut my own hair. But that was that part of my life. When I was depressed around that time showers weren't a priority sometimes. But I am not in that phase of my life, I come from a family of clean people which helps. Not just clean but always aware of their appearance. Not high maintenance but know what needs to be done...shower, hair, clothing doesn't have to be fancy but clean and suitable.
So just because I am fat...doesn't mean that I don't care. But like I said what you do or what you look like can reflect on who you are with and who you are.

Binging and Purging

Nope not food, just getting rid of things I have bought and don't use anymore. Movies and books, some clothes (you know the type I mean, stained, torn, shrunk in the wash). One person I know she wanted the clothing and I am going hmmmmmm NO. I know she would wear the stuff to work and sorry but I don't want to see that.

Getting active

Well I have been considering my options for awhile now. I bought a pedometer a few weeks ago so its waiting now for me to get active. I have been reading about the wii stuff on the go and considered it, I have also considered changing my gaming options. I bought a PSP last year but I find the games limiting. I have a couple of co workers who have a DS and one of them has been talking about brain age. My doctor has recommended I do exercise ( helps me with coping I guess and getting things moving) and I know that I need to change my focus more.
One of my coworkers wants me to join swimming classes ( red cross ones). I am considering it if the price is right LOL.
I have been feeling a bit out of sorts, emotionally, physically, and things have been a little stressful. I have been having a lot of muscle twitches as well and its annoying.
So I have my Ipod waiting now for warmer weather and I have ordered a docking station for it thinking maybe when I am home alone and doing things I will be moving more with the music playing....hell if I am alone I will probably be singing because no one will be able to hear me LOL.

Alone

Yup I am alone again now. The man that I love was here for a bit, got called back early but it was so nice to have him here. He told me one day while we were out that while he is here its his job to take care of me. That touched me a lot. He took out the garbage, did the dishes and that was so good. I live on my own and having someone else do that for me is in my mind a thoughtful thing. I mean face it its something that has to be done and every now and again its nice to come home and not have to worry about it.
He went to the store got me some tissues and cold medicine, he got me vaseline for my split nose. He also kissed me while I snorted and sneezed with a cold. To me thats love, because he didn't care because he loved me and wanted to be with me. I mean when we have dried sore skin and runny noses we don't feel attractive. He never makes me feel like I am not. He never says you know what you should lose a few pounds or maybe you should have your hair that way. Now he is supportive, he will encourage me if I want to do something or suggest it but its because I want to not because he wants me to.
I love him dearly and miss him when he goes. Miss him while he is gone and just want to be near him while he is here.

TV

I watch a lot of TV. I live alone, I work shift work, I live in a town where the weather is really tempermental. But even as a kid I watched tv and we only had CBC back then LOL. I do like a bit of everything. I have a dish so I have a lot of channels. You can learn a lot about things watching tv. I like the help programs, the money shows, the food shows. I have a liking for things involving crime, I think its because it gives you a look at how people think. What makes a person think or do things that "normal' people do. I do like shows like Hells Kitchen, Next top model, amazing race, shows I normally would have said no way. I worked a lot of evenings so missed out on shows for a few years. Now its more tv time for me! Couch potato, sofa spud, even have my laptop on a tv table LOL. I love my TV LOL!

Hmmm living on your own

I am sitting here in my slovenly shirt, messy hair and know maybe its not a good thing a person live on their own for too long. I just burped you see and I thought I did it in a piggish way. But who is here to hear it? LOL need to pretend I have someone coming around I guess so I change my ways LOL
step one....find a razor shave legs before I have to braid the hair
step two....wash that grey right out of my hair
step three....do something with my nails

get a life!! LOL

Makes you think and put things in perspective

I have bad days, not as much as I used to and that all depends on what that day brings, lack of sleep, lack of food, hormonal etc. I do try to get out of my funks in different ways. First off don't dwell if I can help....its like a whirlpool you get caught up and it twists and twists and twists and all it does is drag you down. So one thing I try to do is say to myself so really whats so bad in your life? You have your health, so thats a good thing, you have your family, I can pick up the phone and call them...and I have a lot to call! I have a roof over my head and food in the fridge, and I have heat, tv, internet so where is the problem. I can downsize where some people don't have that option. Its not the greatest life but its still mine. When I talk to my children I have learned that I say I love you when I say good bye.....because it could be the last time I talk to them ever. No one plans to die. I really do believe that that saying don't sweat the small stuff is true. I just have to decide whats small in relation to other things.