Dwelling on the past

I am doing that a lot the last few days. I think its the negativity of my friend and the men stuff. I can't get that man out of my mind!! Or my heart!!! I am such a fool....hateful it is!

I am so pissed off with myself

I was flicking through some old emails and came across pics of the man I love and damn it I am sitting here lonely and missing him...I hate myself I started to cry of all things...what am I going to do with myself!

Having another busy day

OK so I had a crap night sleep. I was lazing around, and the contractor called to say he was dropping by. Soooo a hour later he shows up! BUT he was here, did all the measurements and had a look to see what needs to be done! Yahhhhh!! Meanwhile my friend called offered to buy me lunch. He left just after her lunch break started so we ran and got food, was supposed to be Subway but ended up A & W. I just got a call from my son he got 97 on his math!! This is a boy who last year almost failed math! My mom had to fly out to the island to get medical tests done, and they are keeping her for a few extra days so I reluctantly offered to lend my dad some money tomorrow.
I have decided to gambling tomorrow. I have set up a time with a friend. I am not guilting myself about it I just want to go do it. I am in control of it. I won't be able to do it often but I just want to do it. I have to find out about the next group meeting. I don't want to not go thinking I am "OK".

Another Busy Day...now theres a Surprise!!

So OK I worked last night. I got off work this morning and did up all the paperwork required for my application for the batchelor of social work program I am applying for. I had someone drop by with the scope of the work I need done on my home. I have decided to try water aerobics to try and get my weight down. I am sore all the time and I think its because I don't move. I am going to go out with my gambling buddy Friday evening after work, I owe her big time! I am wondering if my other friend will be jealous. I have to get a life no matter who is in it. I need to blow off a little steam. I need a little break. I know I know but I have worked hard!

Yayyyyy

LOL sounds pretty said but I have 2 gallons of raspberries coming to me on Friday...$40 but I will get some jam made with them. I love homemade bread, real butter and Jam...MORE Winter food!

Roll on Tomorrow!

After my shift tonight I am off until Saturday Morning!!!! They asked me to work in another house yesterday morning and I said no waiting for a phone call. I don't know if they believed me or not, but I got a call just before 9 and had my home inspected by 11!! The best thing is I got approved for the maximum amount of funding from the program. $9500!!! He recommended new doors and windows, my steps need to be done and he also recommended I block off a back room...too much money would go into trying to get that taken care of. I was hoping the contractor I wanted was going to drop by today but he didn't. I want that work done asap.
I worked a 16 hour last night, and did up the containers of food like I wanted to do. So now I have more things in my freezer!
I am a mess though! Got to take care of that soon!

Hmmm

I swore I posted earlier today!

Down but not Out

Well another fun filled day LOL. I got up way too early but not sure even what time I fell asleep last night. I know I woke up at one point and watched Most Haunted..part of it. I got up and was just farting around. SO I got up parboiled the greens I had picked threw them in the freezer, did some laundry but nothing too nuts. I just had my shower and going to cook something in a minute for my dinner. I made myself a couple of BLTs for my lunch. Tomorrow is a 16 hour shift so when I get off in the morning I am going to defrost a bunch of meat. I am going to do up some spaghetti sauce with meatballs to freeze, maybe some chilli and bake off and cut up the last of my chicken breasts. I like them frozen after cooked to use for quesadillas or salads or done up in a sauce.
I just ordered some new bras, ordered my exhusbands bday gifts on thursday thats where my extra hours are going this time. Never ending but at least I am catching up on things. My joints are sore and burning on my right side :(

I need a break from it all

Well just got the new work schedule, and I am working next few nights. I am getting tired, here I am home and not out. I don't mind my friend she is getting a bit overpowering again. She was depressed the other week, last night I had to listen to her cackle for hours like a crazy woman about the same stuff.
Tonight we were thinking of going out, but I can't handle it right now. I was talking to her on the phone and she was going on and on about us being alone for the rest of our lives.
I have had a few rough days this week and the thoughts haven't been good. Do I really want to live like this forever...NO do I want someone in my life...Yes what can I do, and what will I do if I don't find someone. Very dark thoughts have been going through my mind.

NO more

So her appointment is next Wednesday, she wants the money today. She got kind of shitty with me because I said when I go out I will drop it off. I won't be lending her any more money. I am doing her a favour and she just doesnt' appreciate it. I am tired and wanting to go out with my friend in a hour, I haven't rested because waiting around for my mother....I have to work tonight. Sometimes the price is too high in a lot of ways!

Gee why am I frustrated?????

OK I am trying to get a life with some money in it LOL. SO I had $10 in my bag, and was holding on to it for dear life! So my mom calls me this morning, saying they were looking for $10 to help get materials to finish off her step before my brother goes. My dad has parkinsons and a bad back and my brother is in from out of town. So I lend her the $10....I have a quarter left in my bag. I have money in the bank but thats for bills and bank fees that are due to come out today or Monday. I was talking to her and she tells me the stuff for the step was cheaper than they thought and my brother has done most of the work but will finish it this weekend. Hmmmm OK. I said I was broke, and she said well you sold something the other day its like yes I bought some food, went out for dinner with a friend and bought the greens etc yesterday. I would like the money for this evening in case I want to stop for a bite etc...it is my money! Oh well apparently she said she bought my uncle cigarettes with MY money!!! The nerve. His gambling his pension is not my problem!
I specifically don't lend her money due to that households problems. I offered to lend her money for a trip out of town for a medical appointment because she wouldn't get her pension until the day after she got back. Now she is looking for it now. Its bad knowing your lending money for her to gamble and drink. I don't offer and have been doing really well with not lending her money!
I don't know she is now waiting to hear from the loan company to see if she can get money from them I hope she does...gets me off the hook.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions...mines full of of diamonds and gold and gems but it always comes back to bite me in the ass!!

Been Busy

Well had a couple of busy days. I went to the farm yesterday and picked my greens so I have to get them ready for the freezer. Worked a bit too of course, so this morning sorting out my stuff for payday next week. Have my hours stretched out over the next two pays enough to help me a little bit. My mom decided the other morning to come up so I did some gutting of things. She left with a bunch of food, thats OK now I know what I need to buy..maybe a couple of chickens thats it! I picked up some stuff for the kids for snacks when they come down again. I have to make a couple of phone calls this afternoon to get the work sorted out on my house. Next week is going to be interesting as well because its going to be our new schedule! Going to have a lot of days off though and mostly weekends. Not good for when I do have my kids although I get to be home a lot to cook and help with homework!

Oh my

I am having a down day. Things are getting to me right now. I am feeling lonely again, wondering if I will ever find someone to be a part of my life. I gambled today and really want to keep at it, right now its something that I feel I may need. Its not the best move for me but right now its something I want to do. Is it right, no, can I stop, yes but I just don't know today.

Another busy week

I have worked and worked and worked. I have got paid and spent it all LOL. I got my insurance paid yayyy. Had a day out with my friend yesterday, she is having a hard time of it all. She broke down and she had me weepy as well. I feel so bad for her I know where she is coming from but she needs to help herself. I am doing better.
I did work last night but came home, ignored the state of my home and focused on me LOL. I had my hair done yesterday. So today it was time to pluck and primp and paint. Now I am considering laying back for a hour then getting ready to go out again.
Today myself and my daughter, mom and sister are walking for Parkinsons. My dad has it so we are going to do that. Its cold and wet and we have some sponsorship from friends and family but we are going to do it! Its not a long walk, its from a school to a local park.
Back to work tonight....but then my only day off this week is going to be Wednesday.

Interesting

I have had a interesting couple of days off. One thing was the person who was considering getting the leaders job informed me that she did, she also informed me that someone had told her things I had said. I did the one thing I wanted to do, I let her know I was wrong and what I had said was the heat of the moment, but I bet the person who told her didn't mention anything they had said.
I am figuring out the budget for myself and its really tight. Nothing unusual for me though, I am used to not having money. I would like to poke some away each pay, maybe $20. I won't have a lot of spare but then I have to say its OK I have my home, bills will be paid, food for now. I wonder how I managed to gamble like I did! Talk about burying your head in the sand!
OH well such is life. I am considering getting another tattoo one day. I am learning new things all the time and I want that to reflect that in my life.

OK OK I know

Yeah I do complain a little bit about my life. I do work a lot and I do get tired. I just worked a 24 home again for 4 hours and back for a 12 tonight. I am off then until Thursday morning. I am wondering how to deal with the money, I do have to pay the bills and that would help but I am also thinking get a little in the bank. I have to start living the budget I have given myself. No more doing what I want I guess LOL. I am actually considering giving up a shift, the hours I will get will be over 140 on this pay due to the holiday. BUT once again I have to consider what I am getting and what I need.
OH well time will tell!

Wondering what to do

Wondering what to do with myself again. I just worked a 80 hour week, tired but went out last night and it was pathetic. I am at a bit of a loss. What direction do I want to take with my life? Whats going on with work? I don't want to lose the hours for next week or the next two weeks. I don't think I will get them though. If I am offered work in another home do I take it to make sure I work but it will be more stressful. My friend was flirting with me again online this morning, I enjoyed it because it was bantering back and forth, he would say he could stay here I would be very happy and he said no hands involved. I said how can he cut the grass, paint the living room and tear down my back step with no hands! I went to sleep here on the couch at 2 and up by 8 and work calling me asking about a movie. Its 8 am on Sunday what was the rush? I am not interested in a lot of things anymore. I am not going out looking for sex, I am not into that anymore although I often think that the man that I loved has had his fair share of sex since he ended it thats all he wanted I think.
My friend she is a good person but right now she has gone into the negativity and I have tried talking to her about it. I am going to have to try and back off for a bit. I think she is part of the reason why I am down today.
I have worked hard to get out of that mind set. LOL most days now I just wish I had "stuff". Just small things but just that female mindset of getting a new pair of shoes etc. When I went out last night I wasn't feeling good about myself. I need to focus on myself. With the possibility of my job being gone I have bought food, and want to catch up on things before it happens. I have found a washer and dryer thats within my price range. So I am thinking should I invest some money in those, I don't' have the money now but maybe by the end of the month.
I am feeling a little lonely too I think. I am tired of going out and ending up eating with my friend. I don't feel good and I don't like how she tries to say she doesn't go to the chicken place only with me. I didn't go before her and she has let it slip she has gone a few times a week. I told her yesterday I can't make plans now until I know whats going on at work.
I miss my counsellor. I miss that connection. I am a bit calmer again because I can't worry about what I can't control. I can try to help figure out what we can do but I can't make someone not let me go from my job or cut my hours. I won't drive myself nuts. I have been down that path before. I don't want to go that way. I have been trying to get my friend not to be that way either. If she isn't going to change or at least reconsider how she handles things like I said I am going to have to back off from her for a few days. My life is my priority and negativity is like a cold, one person has it and if your around it too long you catch it too.
LOL I just want some fun and relaxation.....soon!

Found out more about work

Yesterday we got the call that our hours are definately on the line. Our kid at work will be more family centred than our place now. Weekends he will be with us, so whats going to happen with us? I picked up a few hours for next week so I have that, I need to have some money to keep me going if my hours get cut. I am looking after myself this time! Apparently there is some work available in the hotels. But I would like them to move that child into our house, makes more sense I think! Fingers crossed it will all work out!

I am Tired

I am tired of eating. Seems like thats all I do and I have to stop. I am going to tell my friend I can't go out and eat so much, I feel like a whale and I look like one too :( I feel so bleah!

Work and more work LOL

Yeah I am working a 24 kind of tonight, at some point tomorrow I will come home and shower. I worked yesterday and today in the other house, so thats a few more hours, got offered a night tonight and I will do my own shift tomorrow. I am picking up a shift on Sunday for 8 hours at another house. I am tired but I want to go out on Friday night and go to the yard sales on Saturday so I have to have some money. This extra money is coming in handy! Makes it a little easier for me! So I will be off to work soon, need to keep the wolves away from the door!