I am truely blessed

I am truely blessed, I am not a religious person but I do know I am blessed. I am exhausted its 1 A.M right now and have been on FB commenting on my situation. Four of my classmates have offered me support, emotional inspirational support. How fortunate am I.

All comes tumbling down :(

I am not having a good day. I think my job will be gone by the end of next week. Then my exhusband calls and there are some problems going on. Our daughter has decided she doesn't want to return to school. She is in high school, doesn't mind the work she says, but she isn't going anymore. She wants some counselling. I don't know what to do. She asked me to make her a appointment about a week ago and was getting around to getting to the hospital to fill out some forms. I think she is planning on going down in the morning. I am not going anywhere tomorrow until I find out what she needs. Probably due to a lot of things going on in her life. I am not angry or anything like that. If she doesn't want to go to school she is old enough, but I am hoping something will change her mind. I am hoping she just stays off the drugs and booze and no sex. I have no reason to doubt her before. She needs to take care of herself without losing herself in the process. She is still underage but when a child is mid teens in their last years of high school what can you do. If she wishes to take time off what am I supposed to do, can't force her. I just hope she can be helped and she regains control or learns control of herself. I know she has a issue with money, just like good (poor) old mom. I am so down right now, I don't know what I am going to do. Someone just said to me that God gives us what we can handle. Such a hard journey, I would love to rest by still waters right about now.

Geez hateful days are here again

OK so my exhusband called me at 7:30 this morning. Telling me about something our 12 year old son did. He accidentally left his parka and sleeping bag cover at camp or lost in transit this weekend. Of course he was yelling at him. I don't like it and I pointed that out to him. I am suffereing from tension headaches and upset insides from it all. I phoned down to the hospital to the counselling centre, I need a appointment and I need one for my daughter she asked for one the other day. Oh Lordy what a day what a week what a life! I am going overboard on ordering things again...not a good sign.

I am not sure whats going on

I have had a pretty down couple of days. Not sure why. My lovely daughter gave me a gift yesterday, she said no one had done anything for me getting into the program so she gave me a fantastic card, a mug that says "women who behave never make history", a little shopping bag with my name on it..with the meaning of principled and self effacive. Also a amethyst keychain/bag chain. I love it. I have to have more faith in myself. I have to believe in what I am doing. I seem to have become depressed again. I don't like it, I hate it, and been trying to find ways not to feel this way. I know I am feeling overwhelmed and not sure about what I have been learning about myself. I think its a self protection in my mind, don't believe or you will fail. I had a phone call today as well, I am going to be tested for a learning disability. That would be great if I knew what was going on when I try to understand things and I have a hard time with it.

OH late class today yayyyy

LOL yeah sometimes I am easy to please. I did make the doctors appointment that I need to make. New prescription required, they put me back on Naproxin but I still have a lot of pain. Going to see if I need to see someone about the frozen shoulder, the sore elbow and now pain in neck. I need to see about getting a colonoscopy. I have a lot of family history of colon cancer, my moms only brother is dying from it now. So now I have to get it done even though its something I have avoided for a long time. So now no excuses. I have health insurance as a student of Memorial University. LOL sounds funny I am a BSW student of MUN. Its been a long hard stuggle. Its been worth it. I have to be more self aware of myself. I have a lot of stuggles still but right now after the retreat I am calmer. BUT I have work to do. I have done some of it this morning and maybe tonight at work I will do some as well. OH well my thoughts are still coming out choppy on blogs LOL. I am going to have to find time to do up that list of things. I have a agenda but its not big enough hahahaha. So much reading to do, assignments and group work. During all this I have to figure out my issues, I know now the impact of oppression and shame on my family. I can't change a lot of things such as my moms attitude or her way of coping. I have a lot of changes to make. You cannot ask your client to go further in their own healing or understanding past your own level of dealing with things. Great hey! So its a lot of work and I supress a lot of things, I avoid it and look for distractions. I have been doing the open mouth insert foot moves lately...all part of my dealing and coping with things. I should shower its a hour before class. Have to make myself presentable! Then off all afternoon and no classes until Tuesday! This morning is my only class this week....sweet gotta love it :)

If I had the time I would make myself a proper list LOL

So I am extremely busy. Well I should be but I am not. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I have a lot of school work to do I also have a lot of personal stuff to do. I enjoy the fact that my boss has asked me back to do some casual part time work. I am really dependant on it but I have to realize that my schoolwork is whats going to keep the money coming in. I have a couple of work placements I am required to do. I am going to see if I can stay here for the first one the fall of 2011 its my daughters last year of high school. She wants to become a doctor. She is doing four sciences this year. She has been off sick this week though a bad stomach virus is on the go. I hope her grades are going to last this year. OH well but the last semester will be Jan 2013 and thats a work term. I am considering seeing if I can do it in a city with a high aboriginal population. I was thinking somewhere like Ottawa. We have seen a lot of information and I am wondering the effects of living in the city on aboriginal people, specifically Inuit. I am looking at finding work away from home maybe once my return in service obligation is finished.
BUT now I have to know what to do, when it needs to be done and then I need to make some doctors appointments and a budget. Worst part of going to school is my living allowance is once a month....last working day of the month....its so hard to budget on that! Oh my I have psych this morning....child development is this semesters work....ugggg LOL.

Interesting Words I have to remember

I watched a video clip about Inuit Elders in Iqualuit and one lady spoke of the key to having a happy life " Respect yourself and those around you and you have to have high self esteem". I know I have issues with that. I hardly have any self esteem. I dress nice most of the time, and try to take care of myself but I also have issues with being me. I allow myself to be treated a certain way, but I shouldn't. I deserve to be happy and treated better than I have been. I need to find a man who wants to be with me. I told my son last summer I don't need a man to complete me I need one to compliment me. I have been too complacent and appreciative of things that is expected by other women and they find the men who treat them right and treat them like a princess or a queen. I need to know what I want and expect it, not want what is offered and appreciate it. I am working on myself and I am improving. I don't need a man in my life, I would like one but I am not going to settle. I am OK the way I am, and its time for me to focus on me and my education....I am working for a degree in Social Work and have to do a return in service for up to four years with my Aboriginal group.

Sorry I am late LOL

So here I am its been over a month again since I last posted. Now of course I have come on here...going to post and then something has come up. I am still working...but the old bill collectors have caught up with me LOL. Life has a funny way of throwing you curve balls. Its very frustrating. I am earning about a thousand extra bucks a month and have to pay it on bills. Uggg it sucks but its OK most of it will be paid off by Christmas. I was hoping to have that money for Christmas gifts but I am a little screwed on that front. Ah such is life.
I have come along in a few ways in my life. I am still weak sometimes, I am after all human. I am slowly getting myself sorted out. Since starting school its been a even more of a emotional rollercoaster. Not only am I dealing with the aftermath of the breakup and a bunch of crap that came with that but I am dealing with discovering about who I am, where I come from and what I am going to be doing. Its hard recognising that I am a emotional cripple when it comes to things, its how I was raised by people who were crippled by oppression and traumatic experiences. As I am becoming more aware of what I am doing and what I need to get there there is a lot of fear. I still can't emotional which is my issue, I need to let go of it all. If I am to be a effective social worker I have to comprehend and look at what I need to change.