Ugggg

Too many mosquitoes too hot and too much work and not enough money LOL

owwwwwww

Yeah I am in pain LOL not too bad, the mole is gone from my neck. Going to be weird not seeing that there. I am thinking its too hot to have this bandage on, and its going to be hotter tomorrow and the next day. Got things sorted out with my mom and my sister for babysitting. Now if I could get my house sorted out! I need to get my life sorted out!! My coworkers can't believe how strong I am. I am falling apart in so many ways but it doesn't show!
Oh yes just found out one of my coworkers is applying for the team leader job and I am not happy. She does not have my support in that decision. Not good,I won't be making it easy for her, in regards to myself anyways.
Come on life.....change change change!

Too Damn Early

I am awake before 6 am again. Hateful it is. Between my puppy and my bladder I had no chance. I have to go to work this morning. Days until next Monday, 12 hours dragging out before me every day. I try not to take my computer with me anymore. I also only have one now the laptop I got from him is now going to be the kids. I don't need two, well not two laptops, I do like desktops but not too worried about having one. Today I have to get another mole removed, going to have to take my son down as well for his appointment.
I had a problem with my mother and taking care of my nephew. I emailed my sister last night and said that my mom feels that my daughter can't cope with him and either herself or myself should be there. So I am thinking OK so she expects my daughter to go down and be there when she needs her. She is waiting to go see the doctor herself and she feels that she may have had a mini stroke. So I suggested that my sister look for someone to take care of him for a couple of weeks. Not fair to expect us to be down there for nothing. What would my daughter do if my mom is being bossy and doing stuff then she gets sick. Part of my stop being me and start being me process. I was talking to my counsellor about it yesterday. Making a few changes, I have issues now with money so don't borrow and don't lend. I have to lose weight, eat properly, going to spend less time online ( at the hospital once or twice a week helps on that front LOL). I am glad I decided to take that step to go see a counsellor. I denied a lot of things but now I am making a effort to make a change, and my counsellor says a lot of things I am doing are normal when it comes to my addictions. I have to take more control now of it all. Still don't know why I fear people so much but she says maybe its a self esteem thing.
I also do the avoidance thing. So part of it now is looking at what I am doing. Yes I am a gambler and its no good for me. I am not going to keep everyone happy and first thing I have to do is change myself. I am a procrastonator, I am a dreamer, I have a lot of fears about things. Thats why I have a mess. I try to do things get it half done. I need to be more motivated. I need help a lot of help!

hmmmmmmm

a woman can't live on diet coke a handful of chips alone.....thats what i ate today until now....like i said I have to eat properly. I need to get down for the last test, a glucose tolerance test. The sound of that one scares me, I have to stay at the hospital in case I faint. Thats something I don't want to do ( I have self esteem issues and discussed that with my counsellor today). I don't want to be sick I am tired of it all :(

Have to start taking care of a few things

I went and saw my counsellor today. I told her with everything thats going on in my life I don't think I have hit rock bottom. Even though I have screwed myself over now bill wise( I gambled and lost it all on friday :( ) I am getting overwhelmed, I am at the hospital every week to see her then I am back and forth getting bloodwork done etc. I am sleeping so so but not great, my eatings off big time. I am so stressed I actually sat here and cried just then. I had to explain to my son that it wasn't the phone ringing ( it showed up as the man that I loves work number, I didn't recognise it at first, I had to dig out his card to find out for sure.) I have been fooling myself and have taken on too much. I am going to be working 7 days straight then helping take care of my nephew. Meanwhile my house is a horrible horrible wreck. I am selling off a couple of things as a consequence to losing so much money this week. I am not beating myself up over it but like I said I am afraid where I don't feel I hit bottom what to do. My counsellor said I don't do much for myself, gambling was about it but I don't go out to the clubs or anything like that. But I need to get things in order. I have screwed up a lot and I said to her sometimes I am looking for a reason to hate myself or be upset myself. She says I have come a long way since I started going. I have a hell of a long way to go, I told my son I am like a car stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels but going no where. I guess I need to stop being who I am and try to find out who I am. I have made a couple of decisions in the last few days, no money no bedroom furniture, no loans for anyone or from anyone. I am not touching any machines and cash is something I can't be trusted with, my addictions are too strong right now and if I don't want to end up on the street I have to think of that. I have to eat properly, try and rest and not work too much my health physical and mental are on the line right now. I had developed a eye twitch in March and its really bad right now. Bad enough looking like I do but the constant twitching is pissing me off! No one wants a crazy woman I am thinking.

I have to remember....

That I have to find someone to be in my life that should be lucky to be loved by me and to be the one who loves me. I told my son yesterday I don't need to find someone to complete me I have to find someone who is going to compliment me, who when we are together can be happy with each other and we bring out the best in each other. If someone doesnt' love me that way then they don't deserve me. I just watched a video of photos done up by a coworker for her wife on facebook and they are happy. Not all the time but they feel its worth it, the distance when her wife is away working and she is here waiting. We had that in common once we waited for the person we loved. Just her wife didn't dump her when it got a little complicated...they rode out the rough patches and they still do.

Well Wadda Ya Know

I just upgraded this laptop to IE8 and I really like it, facebook is so much easier. Had a counselling appointment that went great, I really enjoy it so much going to see her.

My life is shit...not just because of the Puppy

Well its no fun in my life. I had to go down to the post office on Monday and my sister had to stop in the store where he works when he is in town. I sat in her van, managed to stop the tears from falling barely. Jumping at the sign of anyone walking near her van, head down and very anxious. I hate how he has turned me into this person. Its a result of the way he dumped me, I am afraid to see him, I am afraid people will see me see him and what my reaction will be.
My ex was good he came down with the kids stuff, and my son was with him because he was sick. So I asked him to take me to the store in another part of town but I didn't need to get much because I didn't have hardly any money. He told me he could take me down to the other store and I got very upset and told him I can't face that place and the thought of being in there. So he took me to the store I wanted to go and paid for my groceries so I didn't have to worry about getting up there later on in the week. So we made that agreement and I would just pay him back on payday. We ended up talking a bit, he got doggy stuff, he stayed down for a bbq and he showed up yesterday and cleared up the yard and tore down some of the back step. We came to another agreement so I don't owe him any money!
Now today I have a counselling appointment and I can't wait to get away from the damn puppy. I also have to go get another blood test done, my doctor called me and told me that my blood sugar has come back twice high. So once again more tests. I am starting to feel like a pin cushion!

Poop and Pee and sleep the life of a puppy

I am soooooo not happy. Got the puppy on Monday kids all excited the ex is all excited. I was too, told the kids what they had to do, ex spent $150 on doggie stuff. So right now I have just had to clean a puddle and a poop off the floor. Damn thing, told the kids this morning before school it was their first strike, they didn't get up immediately to let the puppy out. I did thought she had done a great job, now this morning she has started doing the dirty on the floor again. No way am I doing this every morning. Shut her in her kennel for now.

Food Glorious Food

Well I am watching the food network again. Haven't eaten dinner anything and probably should ( trying to eat better or at least eat!). But I am watching a lot more of this channel, and would have to say it has to be a great job travelling across country and eat for a living. Yeah I know I am fat but so what I like food, I used to love to cook and hoping to get back into it all again soon. I am assuming that seeing as my sugars are being tested again that I am going to have to watch what I eat and probably lose weight. Right now I have a very very tight budget but I also have to feed my children when they come down. I have to find good healthy recipes to try. The show I am watching is wicked though home cooking and diners...mmmmmm LOL. Maybe I should get something to eat LOL!

My new member of the family

I have just seen the puppy we are taking on. She is a cute little butterscotch puppy curled right up to me. So I had the ex get her some food, and while out to the yard sales I bought a large kennel for her and a dish. Next week I have to buy some deworming tablets. The kids are all excited and will get her a collar and leash next week as well. She is their responsibility but be nice to have a puppy around again I think.

when it rains it pours

OK so now I have someone hassling me to send something I sold them on ebay,even though I said sorry the item isn't shipped until the payments in my bank account. I had emailed and said I will be shipping later because of my work schedule and he is getting shitty with me. So seriously considering closing my ebay stuff down until a later date. Don't need the aggrevation,

Busy Busy

OK so heres the deal, my mom is OK now she was kept in overnight. She was in emergency from approx 1 PM until 10:30 PM. Everyone was exhausted by the end of that day. My money showed up and even though I vowed I wouldnt spend it all when I went up the road. Damn Walmart LOL. But it was good to get out of here. I can't wait to take my kids up. I called yesterday to let them know we got to the town only to find out my son isn't doing well. Sounds like he has to deal with counselling now, relationships are a concern to him. I am worried about him. So I decided to go against what I said and let them have a dog. He will have a animal for company and pets can be therapudic. I also told him and his sister they have to take care of her. I am trying to keep money now for the next trip when I take them with me.
I am hoping to get myself sorted out soon as well.

Another fun day

well its not even 1 pm and wondering what else can happen. I got off work this morning and can't sleep. Called my mom to come up and she shows up with my neice. We are just getting started on stuff when she comes over dizzy. So she goes to the hospital. So I am here with my 6 year old neice. Get a call to go see my counsellor at 3. No word from my mom. I haven't had money come through yet that I am waiting for, and I am going up the road tomorrow. THEN the hospital calls me to tell me I have to get my bloodwork redone. So now I have to fast for that, and thursday i have to get my stitches out ( had a mole removed). So now I don't know what to do with it all, I need to get someone to do something!! I don't want to take my niece to the hospital with me!

Interesting

My friend has told me what she thinks of me. She thinks that I am attractive, I dont' look my age and I am well put together! My thinking was are you sure your talking to the right person!

Not Nice

I went into the store where he works when he is in town. My coworker couldn't believe how upset I got. I saw some things set up and thought oh no he is here, has been here or on his way. I got to the point I almost got sick. I hate that feeling and I know I won't be going in there again any time soon. I can't handle it emotionally. There is a deep wound thats going to take a long long time to heal. Just wish he would disappear.

Weird

I was just looking for some old friends in a chat I used to use and went to a strange room because I haven't been on there in ages. Well strange thing is they keep moving chat sites so because I dont' go on for months I lose them. One woman in particular i wanted to see how she was doing she is in nova scotia and had cancer. But anyway this guy starts talking to me. Next thing you know he is telling me he is a crossdresser because his wife got him into it and she had been cheating on him since day one with his best friend a ex cop. I didn't even bother to reply. Why would someone expose themselves to that and expect someone to react in a positive way. There are wayyyyyyyyyy too many weirdos on here.

Not good

Well I don't know why but the last few days I have been feeling overwhelmed, down and depressed. I guess its the realization that my life will never be the way I wanted it. I am tired, I am tired of working hard, doing everything on my own and seems like everyone elses life moves on. My home reflects it as well, its a dump and a dive.
I am trying to get out of this funk. I am going to go on a roadtrip next week with a co worker, we are going to Labrador City to get away and do a little bit of shopping. I don't have a lot of money but thats it, I have to help pay for gas, and hotel and food. So going shopping is going to be low on the list. I have to deal with my addictions as well. I don't have money and now I have to find money to start up on a few bills. Oh well it will come from somewhere. I don't want to get a second job and part of that is I know I won't run into the man who dumped me if I stay where I am. I am down enough as it is let alone seeing him to remind me of how much he hurt me. He might be able to stop caring and hurt me without it bothering him but I won't open myself up to more hurt by running into him.