Ohhhh Myyyyyy

Busy busy busy. I am not sure what to do anymore! I only have two weeks of school left but I have a ton of work! My job is gone, but I have been called into work. So at least I have a little bit of money coming in December. I am tired of doing it all on my own. I would like someone to share Christmas with, and my birthday. I will be sharing it with my kids of course...love them to bits. But will be at my exhusbands for Christmas and get to see what he bought himself for Christmas and what his dummy girlfriend bought him. I will get my boots. I am getting a gift from my daughter this year though, which will be nice! So I am hoping to have money to treat myself once everything else has been taken care of. But I would like to be someone special to someone else. Have a special Christmas for a change. I always find this time of year stressful. I can't afford much in life. I have always been struggling and thats what it feels like Christmastime..one big struggle. I would love a good Christmas for a change.
Oh well life is life we make it what it is. Life could be a hell of a lot worst. One good thing is I don't have to work over the holidays but if they ask me to I will. But I am feeling like staying home for a bit, cooking for my children and having a break. Odd shift here and there...works for me! LOL I was thinking of getting a winter coat for myself for Christmas! Also want a really nice handbag, some books and chocolate. Just have to get a couple of shifts to make that happen. Thats all I want in a month about four shifts. My kids have a lot this year....I have to get a couple more gifts for them but thats in the budget. I don't buy for friends or anything like that...I don't have the money so we decided that years ago its good to have friends who understand. Actually I normally never buy myself anything but the exhusband has been treating himself....so if I can I will too LOL.

Something I wrote a few years ago...

I wrote this a few years ago and I keep losing it and finding it! So writing it here now once again...guess its words I need to live by:

I have accepted being fat. I have to accept myself as someone who has value, who has a good heart,and someone who is intelligent and whitty. Not be self depreciating, not ashamed of recieving a compliment, not to blame all that goes wrong on me, not to get uptight over rejection. I am worthy of the love and the support I recieve. Smile and be gracious and not argue. The only person who can make a difference on the inside is myself, even if its just to allow others to help me make a difference. Doesn't that sound easy!!

Thats the thing...it sounds easy but I have to take control once again!

I just don't know anymore

Why is it so hard to be a parent? I think the girl is lying to me now, probably smoking and there is some kind of attitude going on. So she wants to be trusted, so all we ask is she is in by 10 pm changed her curfew, tomorrow night is a issue she wants to be out on the weekend...work in the morning so I said 11:30 and she wasn't fussy on that idea. She is sixteen. As in most situations there is nothing you can do about teenagers. No discipline, not saying I would do anything to her but she knows there isnt' much we can do. No consequences. She knows if we throw out a ultimatum with her she is going to throw one back. Thing is her dad will take away something she really wants, so what will she do then? Hmmmm quit school, then its no school you have to work and pay rent, won't work...then were are we? I am tired, I don't need this crap.

What a pain

So think I have a few things sorted out, seems to be going fairly smoothly. Then again today bang kids and exhusbands pop up again. I am so tired of this shit. If I am going to be successful with this going to school...I need to be able to focus. Its scary. I have people laughing at me. I don't like it, being made fun of for something like a learning disability is not nice. But that tells me of the quality.

I am truely blessed

I am truely blessed, I am not a religious person but I do know I am blessed. I am exhausted its 1 A.M right now and have been on FB commenting on my situation. Four of my classmates have offered me support, emotional inspirational support. How fortunate am I.

All comes tumbling down :(

I am not having a good day. I think my job will be gone by the end of next week. Then my exhusband calls and there are some problems going on. Our daughter has decided she doesn't want to return to school. She is in high school, doesn't mind the work she says, but she isn't going anymore. She wants some counselling. I don't know what to do. She asked me to make her a appointment about a week ago and was getting around to getting to the hospital to fill out some forms. I think she is planning on going down in the morning. I am not going anywhere tomorrow until I find out what she needs. Probably due to a lot of things going on in her life. I am not angry or anything like that. If she doesn't want to go to school she is old enough, but I am hoping something will change her mind. I am hoping she just stays off the drugs and booze and no sex. I have no reason to doubt her before. She needs to take care of herself without losing herself in the process. She is still underage but when a child is mid teens in their last years of high school what can you do. If she wishes to take time off what am I supposed to do, can't force her. I just hope she can be helped and she regains control or learns control of herself. I know she has a issue with money, just like good (poor) old mom. I am so down right now, I don't know what I am going to do. Someone just said to me that God gives us what we can handle. Such a hard journey, I would love to rest by still waters right about now.

Geez hateful days are here again

OK so my exhusband called me at 7:30 this morning. Telling me about something our 12 year old son did. He accidentally left his parka and sleeping bag cover at camp or lost in transit this weekend. Of course he was yelling at him. I don't like it and I pointed that out to him. I am suffereing from tension headaches and upset insides from it all. I phoned down to the hospital to the counselling centre, I need a appointment and I need one for my daughter she asked for one the other day. Oh Lordy what a day what a week what a life! I am going overboard on ordering things again...not a good sign.

I am not sure whats going on

I have had a pretty down couple of days. Not sure why. My lovely daughter gave me a gift yesterday, she said no one had done anything for me getting into the program so she gave me a fantastic card, a mug that says "women who behave never make history", a little shopping bag with my name on it..with the meaning of principled and self effacive. Also a amethyst keychain/bag chain. I love it. I have to have more faith in myself. I have to believe in what I am doing. I seem to have become depressed again. I don't like it, I hate it, and been trying to find ways not to feel this way. I know I am feeling overwhelmed and not sure about what I have been learning about myself. I think its a self protection in my mind, don't believe or you will fail. I had a phone call today as well, I am going to be tested for a learning disability. That would be great if I knew what was going on when I try to understand things and I have a hard time with it.

OH late class today yayyyy

LOL yeah sometimes I am easy to please. I did make the doctors appointment that I need to make. New prescription required, they put me back on Naproxin but I still have a lot of pain. Going to see if I need to see someone about the frozen shoulder, the sore elbow and now pain in neck. I need to see about getting a colonoscopy. I have a lot of family history of colon cancer, my moms only brother is dying from it now. So now I have to get it done even though its something I have avoided for a long time. So now no excuses. I have health insurance as a student of Memorial University. LOL sounds funny I am a BSW student of MUN. Its been a long hard stuggle. Its been worth it. I have to be more self aware of myself. I have a lot of stuggles still but right now after the retreat I am calmer. BUT I have work to do. I have done some of it this morning and maybe tonight at work I will do some as well. OH well my thoughts are still coming out choppy on blogs LOL. I am going to have to find time to do up that list of things. I have a agenda but its not big enough hahahaha. So much reading to do, assignments and group work. During all this I have to figure out my issues, I know now the impact of oppression and shame on my family. I can't change a lot of things such as my moms attitude or her way of coping. I have a lot of changes to make. You cannot ask your client to go further in their own healing or understanding past your own level of dealing with things. Great hey! So its a lot of work and I supress a lot of things, I avoid it and look for distractions. I have been doing the open mouth insert foot moves lately...all part of my dealing and coping with things. I should shower its a hour before class. Have to make myself presentable! Then off all afternoon and no classes until Tuesday! This morning is my only class this week....sweet gotta love it :)

If I had the time I would make myself a proper list LOL

So I am extremely busy. Well I should be but I am not. I have a lot of work to do this weekend. I have a lot of school work to do I also have a lot of personal stuff to do. I enjoy the fact that my boss has asked me back to do some casual part time work. I am really dependant on it but I have to realize that my schoolwork is whats going to keep the money coming in. I have a couple of work placements I am required to do. I am going to see if I can stay here for the first one the fall of 2011 its my daughters last year of high school. She wants to become a doctor. She is doing four sciences this year. She has been off sick this week though a bad stomach virus is on the go. I hope her grades are going to last this year. OH well but the last semester will be Jan 2013 and thats a work term. I am considering seeing if I can do it in a city with a high aboriginal population. I was thinking somewhere like Ottawa. We have seen a lot of information and I am wondering the effects of living in the city on aboriginal people, specifically Inuit. I am looking at finding work away from home maybe once my return in service obligation is finished.
BUT now I have to know what to do, when it needs to be done and then I need to make some doctors appointments and a budget. Worst part of going to school is my living allowance is once a month....last working day of the month....its so hard to budget on that! Oh my I have psych this morning....child development is this semesters work....ugggg LOL.

Interesting Words I have to remember

I watched a video clip about Inuit Elders in Iqualuit and one lady spoke of the key to having a happy life " Respect yourself and those around you and you have to have high self esteem". I know I have issues with that. I hardly have any self esteem. I dress nice most of the time, and try to take care of myself but I also have issues with being me. I allow myself to be treated a certain way, but I shouldn't. I deserve to be happy and treated better than I have been. I need to find a man who wants to be with me. I told my son last summer I don't need a man to complete me I need one to compliment me. I have been too complacent and appreciative of things that is expected by other women and they find the men who treat them right and treat them like a princess or a queen. I need to know what I want and expect it, not want what is offered and appreciate it. I am working on myself and I am improving. I don't need a man in my life, I would like one but I am not going to settle. I am OK the way I am, and its time for me to focus on me and my education....I am working for a degree in Social Work and have to do a return in service for up to four years with my Aboriginal group.

Sorry I am late LOL

So here I am its been over a month again since I last posted. Now of course I have come on here...going to post and then something has come up. I am still working...but the old bill collectors have caught up with me LOL. Life has a funny way of throwing you curve balls. Its very frustrating. I am earning about a thousand extra bucks a month and have to pay it on bills. Uggg it sucks but its OK most of it will be paid off by Christmas. I was hoping to have that money for Christmas gifts but I am a little screwed on that front. Ah such is life.
I have come along in a few ways in my life. I am still weak sometimes, I am after all human. I am slowly getting myself sorted out. Since starting school its been a even more of a emotional rollercoaster. Not only am I dealing with the aftermath of the breakup and a bunch of crap that came with that but I am dealing with discovering about who I am, where I come from and what I am going to be doing. Its hard recognising that I am a emotional cripple when it comes to things, its how I was raised by people who were crippled by oppression and traumatic experiences. As I am becoming more aware of what I am doing and what I need to get there there is a lot of fear. I still can't emotional which is my issue, I need to let go of it all. If I am to be a effective social worker I have to comprehend and look at what I need to change.

Been a interesting few weeks!

So first off
I DID IT!!!!!!
I am in the program, I am on my way to a degree. It was a long hard time getting here but I have done it. I ended up pulling off a 70 average this semester. Not bad for me, I was kind of to the point of I didn't care if I got in or not, I did my best and that was all I could do.
So found all this out last week, they actually called us I think out of the original 34 we are down to 19. My nerves were shot that day, cried did it all. But now tomorrow I am finishing off the paperwork.
So then I was worrying about money. Hell I always worry about money. Had a yardsale and got some cash from that for food etc. Still broke, started looking for a job, then the phone rang. My old place of work was short staffed. So I worked 40 hours this weekend. I need the money, I am pretty broke, got rid a lot of stuff so now need some new sweaters, bras and underwear. So now I can afford it with a little money left over. Maybe a Christmas gift or two can be bought with it!

Fleetwood Mac and Me

Thats what I am listening to. Actually earlier on I went out for a walk and didn't even get to Fleetwood I sang along to Travis Tritt and "Heres a quarter call someone who cares". Thats a good drinking song but right now I am just sitting here been a little busy. Sorting out my clothes right now, did the dishes that have piled up all week, doing some laundry and wondering where the summer, hell the whole year went.
Yesterday was my daughters 16th birthday. She also got her first job which she started today and got her beginners for driving...what happened to my life? Only seems like yesterday she was born LOL well 16 years ago yesterday. She wished that my ex was around, she has mentioned him several times since he dumped me. She really liked him and I think she liked him more than her dads current girlfriend will ever be liked. She said "wish Mike was around, he would have given me a nice card and that (current girl friend zilch) and she laughed and said bet you he would have taken me out in his rental car!" One thing I have to say is he treated my kids great as well. He didn't have to but he did and I will always appreciate him for that. They had a very positive experience when I was with him. He was and still is missed. She had her provincial offical transcript for grade 10 they had a mistake made her average was 93.5. What more can I ask for, I am going out tonight thanks to my daughter. I wish her all the success, which I know she will have in life.
As for me, I am sorting through things today, cleaned out the fridge, dishes etc. Just went though some of my clothes. I am going to be sorting out my school work later on and begin studying tomorrow.....exams all next week. This is the defining point in my life. My life will be changing a lot in the next few weeks. I have to find a part time job, then wait until the end of the month to find out if I have made it into the program. I have had a rough couple of weeks, I have difficulty with the heat and the rain. I have been exhausted this week with the heat. I did poorly on my assignment...had a 50% on something worth 30% of my mark but I will be OK. I had problems that week with the idiot brother in law and was distracted. I am quite at peace now, no pressure even though its exam time. I am feeling stronger the last couple of days. I know I will be OK no matter what happens, life goes on. Money is the bane of my existance, never enough, and when I have it its gone. I think its a compulsion of mine now. I am afraid of not having enough and run out of money so I now buy things but end up wasting a lot of it. I am going to start setting goals for myself. Start small.
Since February I have lost 11 lbs. I weighed the other day figuring I had gained the 7 lbs I had lost before back and more...since May I am down 4 lbs. Small victory but its a lot better than where I was. I have decided to try and not eat crap like I do, its so easy especially when I am here alone. I have been craving fruit, so I bought some today. Just short of cash all the time makes it hard. But thats OK as well, buy healthy for myself and my kids. I went to the store today, spent about $90 which is a lot but I am OK. Food prices are outrageous but thing is I don't mind going out for lunch...$13 each time with a drink etc. So if I can spend that or buy a bag of chips for $4 why can't I spend $7 on fruit instead. Reach for that, I am just lazy and no need of it. I am going to try and control a lot of things. Hard but it can be done!

So unsure

I am so tired and unsure these days. I don't know if I can do the program. I was reading about the courses that will be next. A lot of theories, looks like we have covered it all before. I just don't know if my brain can handle it. I have been in school since January. If I get in I will be in school until April. I will be finished on the 13th of August and if I get in I will be going back September 8th. I won't be receiving any money from August 6th until the 31st. I am considering looking for a job but right now its hard...I have work still to do in school and my exams are next week. I am so not sure what to do.

Wish I could fly

I have been having a hellish week and tonight just put a cherry on top! My brother in law wanted to make a deal with me, he wanted me to sign my salmon tags over to him and in return out of seven I would get one. I said nope I want 2. But then I thought about it, I as a Aborginal person and a beneficiary of NG am entitled to seven salmon tags, only seven per household. The tags would be issued in my name and I could sign them to him to harvest the salmon for ME. I discussed it with my brother that I wasn't comfortable giving away things that were in my name. So I told my sister in a email I had changed my mind. I got a phone call from him which escalated into him cursing me, yelling at me calling me names because I didn't want to go along with his deal. So I am assuming that it was crooked from the start. I bet anything he was going to sell them, which is illegal and could drag me into a court case which I can not be a part of, due to the degree course I am doing I would have to make sure I didn't jeopardise my future for him.
Meanwhile I am in the process of taking exams and admission interviews for the program I am applying for. I think if I don't get in I am going to move to Halifax and go to university out there, take my kids, my husband even though we aren't together would move with us.
Time to make some tough choices. I will not be around my brother in law, family occasions I will not be attending if he is there. I dont' need the abuse and neither does my children and family members. I will have to find alternative ways back and forth to school I will not ride with my sister, my daughter isn't taking care of their child. I had to stop my daughter from getting on the phone,although she did tell my sister that she would not be taking care of their kids and her husband is a asshole LOL.

OH yeah I say life goes on...

Yes it does no matter what happens thats it you have to keep living. I am trying to unwind a little and relax. Tomorrow I am going to study my ass off. Not a lot for a fat woman...I have no ass LOL. I have my written exam for my application for entrance to the school of social work. I had a very stressful week. My marks took a bit of a plunge and I have to get back on track...now. But I have been so tired, its hard, I have been under so much pressure. BUT I have good children. My daughter is fantastic, bit of a attitude but then again she is 15 but she acts like my mother. I would love to have some one clean my house. I am tired, I have the dishes done, the laundry has been started BUT I need the floors and bathroom doing and a few other things. Going to school and it taking up so much of my time the house is suffering, and in a way so are my kids. I have no money but my daughter has been babysitting and thanks to yard sales she has been able to outfit herself fairly well. I wish I could do that for myself. I am tired. I am going to lay down and relax..it will be tomorrow before I know it. Maybe get some ice cream as a treat for now. LOL like a bowl of chocolate ice cream is going to make a difference to me at this time of night!

Tired so very tired

I am so exhausted. I may not seem like it in my life to see me but I am. Schoolwork and applications have been so big in my life at the moment. I have my entrance written exam on Monday and I am not ready. I am going to relax until Sunday and then crack on it. I am not sure what I want. I know what I want I want a "normal' life, a man who loves me, a secure home, a secure good paying job and not have to worry about what a shit life I am having and the shittier life my children are having. I am providing zero support for anyone, with financial or emotional or physical. I am desperately burnt out, working on papers trying to remember what I want to do about things. I am alone in so many ways. I am considering giving things up just go fuck it all...and give up. I know I am venting because this is the point of my life where I am wondering what the hell am I doing? I would love to win the lottery tonight...life would be so much easier...well guess tons of money means a whole new set of problems!

One Pround Momma

I am so proud of my children this week. Both of them passed in school my son is going to grade 7, gulp that sounds strange even saying it. My daughter had her awards night she just completed grade 10, she received a award for highest mark in History, she received a merit award for being in the 80s plus club, and in grade 10 she received the principals merit award, she had one of the top 5 averages in her entire grade (93%). Then last night was a fantastic moment, I cried, she cried, but she was amazing. Last night my daughter at 15 years old had her head shaved for the relay for life for cancer. She had 9 ozs of hair cut off, it was down her back, we will be sending it to Locks for Love and she also did fundraising to raise money, she has $1038 in pledges!
My son received a little award for being helpful and thoughtful from his teacher. He had a rough year again in school but he is going up to grade 7. That award means a lot to me as well, means he is doing well with being a young man as well.
:) My school well its going...but where I am not sure!

Making a effort

I am trying to feel better about myself. Going to school is a lot of work, its been cold etc so I haven't been taking care of myself properly so today is going to be a little bit of a me day. Just painted both sets of nails. I need eyebrows plucked and my feet need attention. Heels are really rough and I am going to sort out a few things of clothing I have. I am broke but I do need a couple of things regardless.

One thing I have realized

I have recently been thinking about relationships with men. I am afraid of them now, I am uncomfortable with the idea of meeting someone and being with them. I am afraid of intimacy and trusting someone seems impossible. Why should I set myself up like I did the last time. I say I would be in another relationship but thats easy there is no one around. I can't imagine being on my own forever but I have to face it, I am fat, unattractive and boring. I have a certain person in mind as in what I want and I don't think it will ever be met. Men are something that will use you for what they want, and they don't mind playing nice to get it. Its all a game to them I think, I had a husband who talks about me still as if the whole life we had and how it went wrong was all my fault. I had a man who I loved who treated me like dogshit. He got laid and had a place to stay when he came to town and thats all that he wanted, just had to put up with me to get it, but then again he was always out to save himself some cash so he was like a lot of men a hole is a hole I guess. I was so stupid and probably still am.

Hello Darkness my old friend...its good to speak to you again

I am definately feeling down. Wondering what to do with my life. I am on the track to a career in the social services feild but by the time I get there will there be anything in my life. Suicide slips into my thoughts like a knife into water....just slips in but you know what I am used to those thoughts. Thats all they ever have been were thoughts, never attempts or anything like it. I think its just the idea of nothing happening, no worries, no cares just gone and peace. Never been a option but the thought is still there, just make everything go away for awhile. Not happy these days, but I am tired of being always on, have to be on top of everything and even when I rest its not real rest because its constant the brain is going, my home is a wreck, the kids are a pain in the butt sometimes. I love them don't get me wrong but there are times I just want them to go to their rooms for a few hours or if I come home and the place is spotless, dishes done etc. My sister is going to have my daughter babysit for her this summer and she is ripping her off so bad. Not going to start anything over it but she is going to save herself money by having her there. I am hoping she won't expect her to take care of him in the evenings, she is paying her $20 a day and that should be 8:30 to 4:00 so after that should be my daughters time off. I think she will be sleeping down there for the conveinience of it. Oh well insomnia is in full swing its 3:30 and been up since 2:00 so hoping to get some rest now.
One of the girls in class has left now for a job, can't blame her that leaves 25 now so by the end of August we need to be down to 20.

Definately lost right now

Thats how I feel, even though I should know where I am. I am tired of the rollercoaster of school, work, sleep, eat and sleep with nothing or no one to look forward to. I am losing control of that old gambling thing again I think...but the frustration of my life is a big trigger for me. I basically have a friend who I get around with...just one. She is a hard person to be around but at least she calls and we go to the yardsales etc together. Sad life but she is single like me. I don't know what to do right now I am tired a lot of the time. Like yesterday we were busy gone all day so today I made bread, soup and banana bread. I try to keep on top of my house but its a losing battle. I have to work a 12 hour shift tomorrow. Long days mean not a lot of time when I am home and when I am home I am tired and trying to sleep. I am tired of the chaos all the time. I wish I was more secure with things, less bills and less responsibility. I have no direction right now, I am still in the presocial work semesters. I have to get to work on all that stuff. Its up to me but I just need a little help or drive sometimes.

Just feel a little lonely tonight

Yeah thats how I feel. How long is my life going to be this way? I only seem to work, go to school, go shopping or eating out with my friend. I cut that off, and I am trying to gain back the financial stability I once had. After being dumped last year I took a pretty big financial nosedive, it was my way of coping and its hard to bounce back. So I took control again this week. I am getting back in control even if it kills me LOL. I am tired right now, I don't even have a bed to sleep in anymore. I got rid of it and gave my room to my oldest, not like I need a bed I sleep on the couch thanks to work thats all I am used to laying on now. I have so much crap still in that room though, bunch of nail stuff, cosmetics, some jewelry I have laying around. I am so tired I haven't been taking care of my home and I hate it...it shows the chaos in my life, the chaos in my home. I can see that relation. Tomorrow I need to focus again, going to make bread, make some soup and do some school work....and try to get organized!

Feeling Pretty Confident

OK so I think I gained back a couple of pounds, its snowing out and its gross but I am feeling pretty good right now. I am glad to be back to school, had a interview today with one of the ladies from the school of social work and I think I did fairly well. I am still working as a call in worker, and I kind of addressed how I felt about things going on at work from previous days of work. I am confident that I will do well in school. I do have some work to do tonight. But its OK got rid of a few things, got some work done around the house, laundry is on the go, and its a little bit better than when I got home. LOL of course I sold a few things on FB flea market...$70 tomorrow will be in my pocket! Its all good....now if it was easy to get a relationship on the go it would be great LOL.

Tattoos

I do have one and I am planning on getting a couple more. I know there is one simple one Mi Vida Loca....my life is crazy so that was suitable I thought LOL. The other one I want I was thinking of a wrist one...simple, there is a Inuit cutting tool that is made for the woman called a ULU, its half moon shaped and used for cutting skins, cleaning them and preparing food. My grandmother had one, so the ULU would compose the band...and I was looking for the meaning of Always Learning in Inutitut. The Inuit language is more of a descriptive one in some ways so I would have to find the meaning for as learning throughout my life as a continuous thing. I learned a little bit about the Inuit language in school through a guest speaker and if I continue on I will be learning to speak it as part of the course. Its a very emotional thing for me because of the loss of our peoples cultures, traditions and languages through oppression. You don't really see it until you start looking at it properly.

You know what...

I think Heart just made me deaf singing Crazy On You...LOL got my Ipod on. Not dressed and not showered but have to get in gear because I have to work later on. I should plug in my new toy....I got myself a BlackBerry Pearl flip LOL...renewed my contract with the same #. Only reason why is to surf the net at work and my kids need to contact me they can...their dad I cancelled his number when I went to school and he still won't get one...said he cant' afford it...yeah right oh well.
Yikes 25 year reunion is this summer, doesnt' feel like it!

Another brick in the wall

OK seems like I have song names on here LOL. OK so I was crapping the old panties thinking I hadn't passed school, had a anxious few days but last Monday I found out that I had pulled my ass out of the fire and had the following:
*Social Work 1710 70% which was a course I needed 65% to pass and before my last paper was submitted and the final exam I had a 65% average...phew!
*Social Work 3230 78% another course I had to have a 65% in to pass
* English 1080 74%
* Psychology 69%
I had to have a overall average of 65% as well....which I did and the normal passing grades for English and Psych were the 50%.
Because of the way they had the program set up we didn't receive any money until it was confirmed we had past. I had to run a household with no money for over three weeks. It wasn't pretty and had to borrow about 700 from the ex. He understood how I wasn't able to cope with bills and no money. I did manage to get back to work full time at my old place of employment. BUT I won't get a real cheque until this week coming up. So I have worked the whole time I am off. I go back to school on the 10th, tomorrow is a day off and I won't be off again until the weekend before I go back.
I have been doing some extra work as a polling clerk with the elections for a representative of our local aborginal association. So I have been making up lists of what I have to pay, and I may actually be able to catch up again.
I now have to complete this semester, womens studies, sociology, psych and english again then go through the process of actually applying for the school of social work in september. We will be having orientation with that. Out of all of us that are doing this only 20 will go on. I am so nervous about that part but I have to do my best and ensure that the references I choose to send in to the school of social work will be beneficial to my future.
I have so far in the last month lost 6 lbs, not a lot but its a start, I had gained about 30 in the last year or so due to lack of movement. I try to walk whenever I can and try to eat properly. Once again I am trying to do a lot of stuff at once LOL.
Still no one on the man front either but I have been wrapped up with the school work etc. I have worked so hard with the courses, and I think I did pretty good with the marks. I have a lot to do in the upcoming months as well.
I had applied for and accepted for a home repair funding program for off reservation aboriginals but they ran out of money. Last month I had a letter saying they could do the repairs....resubmit. I haven't heard anything about that but I am hoping it will come through!
I know now as well I can't go back to work in the place that I was in before. I have encountered some conflict but I have also seen the drama and the inefficiency, and commented on it. I spoke to the team leader and the supervisor/owner about it. LOL May is going to be a good month for me! I recieved the late cheque last week but now I have a full pay coming, the new funding cheque, the election cash and a heating rebate. LOL I will still be broke but I am hoping to poke a few hundred away for a rainy day. Student money sucks and no chance of overtime and its a struggle.
But I am a survivor I have realized and the Aboriginal studies have empowered me somewhat and I know I tried my best and I did pretty damn well when I was feeling down about it all and falling apart because I had no faith in myself.

Hello Darlin'

Its been a longggg timeeeee!! yeah OK Conway Twitty comes to mind....been a little while since I have been here. Of course tomorrow is the first exam of the finals...not ready and here I am on here. I just got home from aquafit as well...but you know what I need it. I have lost a couple of pounds and want to lose more.
I am in a lot of pain but its going to be worth it.
I am hoping to get a pass in the courses so I can go on. If not I am going to question a few things further.
Sorry I haven't been around...will be back soon! Just thought if anyone was reading this I would at least say sorry but I will be back!

Its been a year

Well its been a year since he left. I didn't know at that time that that would be the last time I would see him. I was expecting to see him the week later.....instead I got treated like a bag of shit.
I am not over it, probably never will be, but I am going on with my life. Maybe if he was still in my life I wouldnt' be going to school doing the social work program.
A lot of what ifs.
My friend has been driving me crazy with negativity and I am so picking up on it. I am eating self destructive behaviour is back again.... I don't know how to handle it! I don't want to give in and gamble but then again I don't know what to do with myself.
Clean my home which has been a wreck since I started school, do some school work ...lots to do but I am not motivated.

I gave in

Yup I have been in a self destruct unsettled mode for the last couple of weeks. Am I beating myself up about it now, no because for some reason I have been feeling out of sorts. Right now its not such a bad day I don't think. Life is going about the usual pace and I am starting to want more.

The End of this Day Happiness and Sadness

I am here listening to my new Ipod. I am relaxing now, had my gambling support group tonight...been over a month since I last gave in. My sister went on a cruise last week and got married in the Grand Caymens. Needless to say I am sitting here crying looking at her pics on the social networking FB. I commented that I was looking at my beautiful sister a glowing radient bride and her husband looking at her like he was the luckiest man on earth...true love thats what its all about. I would love to have that kind of love in my life. Will I ever? Who knows all I know is I am not settling for the next man who comes along. I have to be sure of what I want when I do meet someone I am interested in. Life is never easy and the choices we make aren't the best but thats what happens. I want someone I can grow together with not grow apart.
I went to class today even though I found it hard. It was hard, we had some speakers in today and they helped me make some connections with how I feel about myself and my origins. Its really hard sometimes to recognise some things about yourself and how you have been thinking of people around you. As part of the social work program we are learning to overcome the oppression from white society and become stronger as aboriginal people. I guess my issues lay in where and who I am. I am proud of who I am and who my family is. But I can't help it I can pass for white and as one of the instructors we have that "white priviledge". I am not a racist person by any means. Its just a fact that aboriginal people have been oppressed for generations. But I am not radical in thinking like some are. I often wonder if I am the one who has to change my way of thinking. Although I think we should respect people for who they are and where they came from and we are all equals.
I have to sort myself out. I am so much better than what I was thats for sure. I am not saying that my issues have gone away but I am calmer. I had a fall back last week...owed people money big time because of my being a goof off. But I didnt want to gamble I didn't want anything but to get myself sorted out. I didn't cry or get upset ...I swore for a couple of minutes. Thats good I didn't beat myself up over it. I had to drag myself out of the funk and the depression after the man that I loved dumped me. But its made me stronger and made me change in ways I thought I never would. I still get lonely but thats no excuse to be hopping beds. I have had a couple of offers in the last few months but they were the kind of offers thats what it was a quickie. How many men want to have sex but their wives don't want it so they sneak around. No thanks!

Where do you turn

Right now I am dealing with a lot of crap. I am doing well in school I think. I am trying my best and working hard at it. Psychology is hard and I don't like it but I am trying to stay positive. I am dealing with prejudice from within the class, from my own people. Then make the best of it my mother seems to be prejudice against me as well. I can't help where I was born but I am more Inuk than some of the girls who are causing the rift. I was awake three hours last night thinking about it. Its wearing me down inside, I am not a prejudice person but I knew by doing this course and having to move away I would be dealing with that kind of thing. I was willing to take it on and deal with it. I didn't' expect to be treated that way by my classmates.
I am struggling with this now. I am dealing with the attitude of not being understood and being the same as everyone else. My mother grew up on the coast and its like its my issue because its bothering me. Its not my issue my issue is people who have those problems should be looking at it themselves to get over their way of looking at things. I am tired of this crap.
All my life I was made to feel not good enough. I have dealt with abuse, substance abuse, ignorance, prejudice, been raped and oppressed. I am not a victim I am a survivor. BUT I am tired of it all. I don't deserve this no one does. I just dont' know what to do about it. I am trying to understand but to be honest I am being judged without being understood. Of course my mother has a lot of resentment and I was never good enough. I married a man who made me feel I wasn't good enough. Well you know what I am who I am and thanks to all the fucked up treatment I am doing pretty damn good I think! But I dont' want this to get me too down...its taking its toll.

still in the same old boat LOL and there are a lot of leaks

Well I had to bum and borrow all this week to catch up on bills. I am trying to get things sorted out but I am having to adjust to once a month paydays as well. I am hoping to get all my T4s for income tax stuff soon I want to get it done and get the money soon! I hope to get close to five this year. I am pinning hopes but at this point a couple would be good. With five I have the town taxes paid on this place and the house insurance. If its only a couple then I get caught up on a couple of bills and hopefully a couple of hundred in the bank.
I haven't gambled in almost a month now which is big for me. I am thinking its because of all the upheaval going on in my life.
I need to get things straight now because I want to get out more on the weekends. I need to get a life on the go! Of course I have been wasting time and money but now I have to make a effort. I know that I will never hear from that man that I loved again. I was thinking about it and he hid away when his marriage ended and he will do the same with me. I have heard he hasn't been to town since and I wouldn't be surprised if he isn't seen here again, unless he can get in on the morning flight and leave on the evening one. He is gone for sure now.

OH my

I am so tired, I have a lot of work to do but I need to take a break. I have been doing school things for the last few hours. Stayed later to do some things. I am so tired! I am trying to keep on top of things!

Gee I am tired

I just had my first day of classes. Not even real work yet but there is a lot to cover! I really need to work at this stuff for sure, I have to make that cut.
I wish I had more money LOL. I want a better life I guess...thats why I am going to school!

I really need sleep LOL

Yeah I have been awake over a hour now. Have a lot on my mind, I forgot to eat (even though I can afford it I am so fat from this year of work) but my body almost gave out at school yesterday. I think my sugars were way off and my blood pressure is up. I found out as well that out of the 37 or so starting school only 20 of us will actually go on to do our degree....NOT the news I wanted to hear. So what do I do.....try my best and cross everything. I now have to find some volunteer work to do to boost my CV for the school of social work.

Tomorrow is the beginning

SO I quit work a week ago and so glad I did! Tomorrow is orientation for school, two days of that then on Monday it all begins. A whole new way of life....money is going to be tight but thats OK! I am used to it and things will get easier one day!

You know whats really discouraging

When someone sees your face pic and they disappear. Nice eh good for the old self esteem.