Ugggg

I just got up, getting my kids ready for school, made them smooties, had a glass of it myself and ran my tongue over my lips and found I have a cold sore!! Bleah. I haven't had one in almost 18 months :(. I can't be run down or stressed, unless its all leaving my body from the last few weeks. I have to work tonight then off tomorrow then work 5 days maybe more. So now what do I do I will be run down by then. Although at work we are dealing with a kid who is creating a lot of issues. Oh well not like I have to worry about being with anyone or meeting anyone.

Busy Busy Busy

I have been clearing out a few things. I got rid of furniture I didn't want, going to get rid of a sucky surround sound ( my ex is buying it off me, moved the DVD player out of my bedroom) and need to sort out a few more things. I have picked up a extra 20 hours on this pay and extra 28 on the next...so far. My clothes well thats another whole ball of wax. I found some jeans that fit me nice at a local store so looking at getting rid of the ones I have that don't fit properly (after 2 years they are a bit worn anyways.).
I have played my new brain age and ds and I have the brain age of a 65 year old and looking at getting some more games in the next couple of months. I want to get the Wii set up out here in the living room, now I have got rid of some of the furniture I have more room. But first thing I need to do is sort out what I NEED.
I worked in a different location today and I really enjoyed it and considering changing my workplace to there. Its closer to my home.
I also now have a real mould issue, which I have to try and sort out soon. Oh yes and one of my appliances doesn't work properly.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right....I have got to be on life support by now....I don't want to tempt fate and say it can't get any worst...because it can!!! God give me strength!

Quotes

I saw this on facebook and really liked it....
"sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together"

Just wondering when things will fall together for me.

Curiousity Killed the Cat

OK maybe its just me but it seems there are too many people who I haven't heard from in awhile suddenly calling me to ask if I had heard from the man that I love. So I am wondering why? I mean its been over a month now so why all the questions. Have you heard from him? How are you doing? Its like do they know something I don't know? Then they talk about not wanting to be single here in this town. Gee thanks for the encouragement. I dont' know anymore, and thing is if I am being overly suspicious can you blame me? I know its hard to be single anywhere and then its the fact of them then asking if I am talking to anyone new....ummmmmm no. Its a case of leaving sleeping dogs lie I think. I am trying to do that.

Conselling part 2

Well Iwent to see my counsellor today. I really enjoyed it. Now she is helping me with my finances. Thats going to be a doozie considering what a mess I am. I have been neglectful to say the least and in danger of messing up a lot of things. I guess its all self destructive and to be honest there are days I dont' know why I carry on. Maybe getting rid of everything would be good although I can't...how could I blog!! LOL

End of another Era

Just talking to my ex and he informed me that he had the dog put down this morning. Poor old thing he was 11 years old but apparently he got dirty this last week, and he would lay in it. I have been asked not to tell the kids, he will just say that the dog ran off. We have a lot of wild animals so I guess maybe he is hoping they will think a wolf or a bear got it. My daughter loves that damn dog and she will be very upset. I wish I could get a animal but like my ex said he won't get another one because of his work and I can't get one either because of mine. So sad.
When I called up his old bag of a girlfriend answered the phone. I hate the fact that he has someone in his life, she might not be much but why should he be happy and I am all alone and lonely. I better get used to it I guess. I hate life.

Hoo Hum

Well its the doldrums for me again. One good thing I think my home is now a little more secure than it was before, and finally someone actually thought I was right. I know there were things missing in my home, and I was adamant. Last week my doorknob was lose again, so I got the screwdriver and tightened it. Nope it was lose then it would swing open when locked. Not good when your working nights. So my ex or still husband whatever it is finally tried to do something about it. We found out part of it was missing. So this morning he came down after he dropped his girlfriend off at work and bought me a new doorknob and put it on and cut me some keys. Now I am more secure.
Tomorrow is next counselling appointment. I am in two minds on that one still. She didn't even remember that I was trying to see her last week. Not sure what I am going to say. Yup still nothing from the man I love, nope I haven't tried to commit suicide yet, nope I don't feel like I should yet, yes I have my kids with me, my lifes still screwed up and I am tired of people telling me how to live.
Kind of off for a week now besides a shift in the middle of it, but its OK. I need to sort out some clothes, shoes, and items in my kitchen. I have to see if I can get insurance to cover work on my porch. I will try and cook for my kids, I was looking at my food situation and its pretty gross, not going to buy any fruit for awhile it just goes off, so now I am doing a list of what to buy and no more meat welll ok chicken breast but thats it. I seem to be continuously getting rid of stuff but also buying in large amounts! Its that feeling of something to look forward to I guess. I have been invited to a wedding in St Thomas next April, my cousins daughter is getting married, she said it would be great to party on a 7 day cruise with me!
I have got to stop this buying bulimia thing that I do, I can't afford it!! Oh well one day my life will seem calmer. Right now I don't want to be a strong independant woman I want to be someone to someone, and thats not going to ever happen again probably.
My ex husband once said to me it was a good job he was marrying me because no one else would. I think he is right I can't even get a man to want to be with me.

Crying

Yup I am crying again. This time I am crying because I just saw Susan Boyles video on youtube. Its amazing and I can watch it over and over again and I cry. I like the British version of The Secret Millionaire as well. That makes me cry. I think its because its good to see that in this world there are people who can be affected enough to try and make a change. Kind of gives me hope for people. Like Susan Boyle, 47, never been married, definately not the most attractive woman but when she sings.... I think the best part of the video is watching Simon Colwells face as he sits there in awe as he listens to her.
Like my friend who sent it to me, never judge a book by its cover. It has really touched me to see that.
Sometimes crying is a good thing and in the last few weeks good crying is a nice break!

The End of a era

yup looks like the IM function on Plentyoffish has been removed. That was the main method of communication between myself and the man that I love. From what I read on the forums its greated with some sadness and a lot of gladness. Myself it just means that how I talked to him is gone, anyone else it didn't matter.

I have a confession

I used to be a internet slut. Yup met men online sometimes in real life. Not saying what happened but lets just say I finally figured out that I wasn't liking who I was meeting and how they weren't what I wanted in my life. Just as I was deciding that I met the man that I love. Now it was like hmmmmmm why did I agree to talk to him online when I should have just said fuck off. I don't know why and I was so glad that I had decided he was different. I dont' miss that life, it was something I vowed I would never do again. I figure I am still worth more than that. Men drive me nuts though....the man that I love especially but thats to be expected. Other men well I wonder if I will ever be able to be "friends" with some of them. I gave up a lot of my online "friends" and when I say friends thats what they were, men who actually talked to me and I could have a laugh with online, when I met TMTIL (the man that I love). Now I cant' go back and say heyyyyyyyy I can talk to you now. I was in a relationship and wanted to focus on that with him and not talk to other men. That was a throwback from wanting to be in a honest loving relationship. BUT I know for a fact I won't be going back to what I was before and what I did. Probably why I still don't talk to anyone. Only games I am playing online are scrabble and cube collapse LOL.

This is going to sound bad but....

some days I wish I hadn't complicated my life by having children. Now I love them dearly would do anything for them. At this point in my life I would like to be able to do what I want and not have any decision I make be determed by the fact I have kids. If I want to move my husband says you can't leave your kids they need you. Damn it I need something for myself. My kids will grow up and then what life do I have? Its hard having them sometimes. I mean they are smart, independant kids, but still not old enough to be too too independant. I am tired of people throwing them up in my face. I can't afford kids to be honest, I can't afford to live most of the time. I survive sure but I do have my addictions. I haven't even had a call from the counsellor. So now it feels like I have no one who cares about me. Hell I know I don't if I dropped dead tomorrow if the kids weren't here I probably wouldn't be found for days.
I have a friend who I haven't spoke to in awhile and I really don't have any interest in talking to her again either.
I don't know what to do with my life...i have nothing to look forward to. I think thats one of the reasons why I buy myself things....but that never lasts. I hate life. I had to go out this morning and clear the drive because of all the stupid snow and you know what i am tired of it. I am tired of doing things on my own all the fucking time. I don't see anything changing soon but doesnt' mean I am happy. My fucking life fucking sucks I hate it all. Whats the point of living well existing.

Money Money Money

Well its a never ending cycle, work get paid pay bills. Only thing is I find it hard to do that sometimes bills have to be sacrificed to keep on top of things in life. I had my hair cut today and that was $30. I had some clothes ordered for myself, and I had my husband order some clothing for me as well. I now have to go through what I have and get rid of some things. A woman is diferent than a man. I am certainly not a big one for following fashion but I do try and be somewhat fashionable if I can be. I try to be presentable. Even though I only seem to work and sleep I like to be able to go out in public alone or with others and be presentable. Do my own nails, etc. There is one thing that I want and ordered it but had to cancel it. I bought food instead LOL. Food is more of a priority instead of a beautiful leather bag that I have had my eye on. Yes I have some weaknesses. But I have to save now and try and behave and not waste money, I did that for the last 3 weeks. Money makes the world go around!

Creepy Men

God men piss me off sometimes. I had a profile set up just looking for friends etc. Got the idiots of the bunch trying to talk to me. So put on the profile not there to hook up for "fun" or get anyone off. That boat sailed a long time ago I have more self respect now and there is only one man I want to have sex with. So thought OK maybe change it to long term see if that turns off the cam hounds or cybers. So I get this man try talking to me...creepy I was getting ready for work and he was asking me about stuff then I said well work today which is all I seem to do again work and pay bills and sleep. So he says something along the lines of wish he was here....red flag for me. Sooooooo then later on at work I pop online and he just starts talking to me again, I don't want to be rude but then I said I work 12 hour shifts... and I was going to be tired. Then he goes on about how he would love to pamper me after work. OK end of conversation, I dont' want a conversation like that. Considering I don't even know his name because after a minute of conversation he is talking like that. I just wanted to get used to talking to people. Now its back to hey baby what you looking for. I now have my profile hidden, I have to build up a bullshit tolerance again.... miss what I had with Mike the man that I love. :(

Old Ways

I was sitting here earlier on and thinking of whats happened in my life. I realized I have gone back to some old behaviours. One of them is being afraid of people in public situations. Its weird I was in the store where he works when he is in town the other day and its that habit I used to have of who is here who knows me and what has happened in my life. Are they judging me or talking about me. I saw one of the women he works closely with and she said hi but I got the impression that there was something there, she wasn't friendly. My friend has offered to take me to other stores so I don't have to go down there anymore.

Same

Right now I feel the same as I did last week. I didn't get to see the counsellor last week but the doctor figures I am coping OK so far and not ready to go on medication...yet. Right now I am thinking I need something. Today is another curl up and die day for me. I was just talking to my friend and she figures she saw him in town the other week. I don't know I just want to feel better about everything instead of pretending its OK all the time.

Lonely

Last couple of days I have felt so alone. If I didn't have my kids here right now I would probably be falling apart. My hearts not into anything at all. Hate having a heart hate having emotions. Hate life right now. I don't even want to go where I think I might see him even though he isn't here. I am embarrassed and ashamed, because they know I was dumped by him. Didn't take long for the news to spread where he works here in town. Guess thats why I dont' want to go down there. I don't want to go anywhere. Just want to lay down close my eyes and have everything go away. Just feel alone.

Engagement Ring

I was at work yesterday and was completely amazed that one of the girls I work with was looking at engagement rings. She has only been seeing this guy for a few weeks, and even though they were friends before I am thinking hmmmm bit sudden. I couldn't believe the ring she first looked at was $12,000 holy crap!!! Although I did tell her the most expensive thing should be the ring, thats what is going to last long after the church and the reception. LOL I helped her pick out a wedding set. We talked about rings, mine wasn't really the one that I wanted but it was pretty, and the wedding band was cheap. It was a plain wedding band so that wasn't a biggie. I told her I always wanted a solitaire with a little bit of fancy on the band part of it.
I just can't believe she has been looking already. Nice rings though really nice rings!

Having a busy day

Yeah it started out as a lazy day but now I have to get things done. My kids will be back with me tomorrow for a few weeks. So what little cash I had ( I blew a lot last week unfortunately) I had to buy food today to keep me going and the kids until payday. My exhusband came down to drop off the kids stuff so he took me shopping. He was telling me that she had gotten jealous a few weeks ago because he had run me to the store ( I don't drive). Apparently she had wanted him to take her somewhere and he had to say sorry but I have my wife with me. So after that he got a phone call, I guess she got shitty with him and he got shitty back LOL. I think she is on her last legs with him as well. He isn't going to put up with that behaviour from her and I think he is realizing he doesnt' want her. I have told him at least with the man that I love we could talk we could be happy with what we had. My husband talks about his girlfriend in a very derogatory way. LOL BTW apparently one of my coworkers told me my husbands girlfriend dyed her hair red and she looks like BOZO the clown..only bozo looks better LOL hahahahaha