Ughhh

That's how I am feeling these days. I am tired. I am frustrated. I am bored. The weather has been wet and snowy and cold. I know a huge error in correct writing but that's how I feel. There are  a lot of ANDs in my life and a lot of BUTs.
Since completing school I have been working my butt off trying to keep the house, cable, electric and phone. I have applied on three positions in my area (Social Work). No interviews or anything, but I am not the only one. They aren't in a rush to fill positions I am thinking. I am in a rush to get working!
I am working with youth in a residential home. Our client is demanding on some levels, but per usual they are teenagers. So working 12 hour shifts, five days a week, one day off it wears on you and your energy. If a client isn't willing to do anything then we find it hard to be motivated. You can only cook and clean so much. This sitting down for all that time is mentally and physically draining. Today is my day off and I am trying to get the laundry done and other household things that get neglected when you are not home!
So that's all I am going to report in this post...ughhh LOL

Day whatever to the rest of my life

How many times do we say that? Today is the first day of the rest of my life. Too many times. I know I have. Thing is everyone says life is what you make it. Hmmmm so now that there are so many people looking for jobs, living on the edge of poverty, bankruptcy and surviving how can we say there are people who chose their life?
I for one did not choose this life that I have. I have attempted to make changes. I can not dismiss the fact that we moved into a town where the jobs dried up. I have gone to school several times to get a better start for my kids. I can not control who hires me and who didn't. I have worked for people who have cut hours of their workers to hire family. Is that fair? Definitely not.
I just completed a social work program. I have agreed to work with the aboriginal group I am a beneficiary of. So I do what I was required to do, completed the program and have my degree. So now I have to wait for a job. Meanwhile I am in a job that sucks. I don't like the direction this is going in. So right now I am still in the same boat before I got my degree. So what am I supposed to do?
So when will it be the first day of the rest of my life, who knows? I sure as heck don't know.
Oh well one day it will come....I hope!

Back at it again to try and figure it all out

So I said I was coming back and I slipped into the I don't have tie etc. So now I am making a change in that. To get my mind organized I need to do something.
So I am now officially a social worker, well just waiting to register. At the grand old age of 46 I have achieved something I never thought I was smart enough for.
I was never good enough in my mind, never smart enough (kinda proved myself wrong on that one!), never pretty enough, never thin enough, never ever ever.... but what I was doing was making myself never ever ever. Rejection is a part of life.
 I don't like those little sports things with kids saying...we don't have losers...ummmm unfortunately life isn't like that. Parents who raise children with this ideal of being perfect, wonderful, over achievers are doing their children a dis service. Children need to lose this sense of entitlement that they have, they face failure in life, not getting on the team at school, not making the grades to be top of the class, not getting into the college they want etc. the list goes on. Failure or mediocrity is a part of life for a lot of people. Its not a bad thing to fail, it makes you stronger.
So here I am trying to define myself by others ideals. So now I am "good enough" and "smart enough"/ To be honest I really haven't gotten that much smarter. I have been able to connect what I knew to what society wants, a bit of paper to add value to what I already knew. I can say things with professional sounding jargon but that's it I am still me.
I am still fat, still not the winner of the beauty contest, I need a lot of dental work and my hair is greying. To be honest its not that bad. I dye my hair for my own vanity (46 is way too young to be this grey) and when I do find a position to work in I will get my dental work done.
So now the journey of the rest of my life begins. Step one. Get a job...a social work one!