I wish kids came with instructions

I really dont' know what to do anymore. My kids are getting to me. I can't wait for them to go with their dad. I am trying to figure them out. I think my kids need to get some counselling. I am just about ready to quit. I am tired of their indifference and manipulation. They are just starting out and usually pretty good but there is that underlying attitude and problems you can't put your fingers on. I have tried my best for years and nothing seems to be good enough. I just don't know anymore.

Its almost over with yayyyyyyy LOL

The job and the holidays are almost done!! I am ready I think. Never had to worry about the hours, I actually put my notice in for December 30th. I have things I have to do before school. I will get a full cheque (more hours than I should have got...LOL 104 I think) on Dec 31st, and a few hours on January 15th. I am so tired right now. I have spent a lot of money and time getting things for Christmas and work at the same time.
I am getting a hamper tomorrow, seeing as I am entitled to it and was told by several people to get one. To be honest its going to get me through the holidays whats going to be in that box. I am not too proud to say I am having a rough time right now. I am nervous about going to school. But its a chance I can't turn down.

I want to make some changes

I was out looking for a gift for one of the girls at work. We did the stupid gift exchange thingy and I asked her last week if we could put it off until next week, we get paid on Friday and I would have money. Needless to say its been planned for tomorrow. I wasn't impressed. I have two kids to feed and take care of and its less than two weeks before Christmas. They want to have brunch tomorrow and a Christmas dinner as well. My issue is what about stuff that I want to do? Oh well.
I am wanting to do some redecorating in my home. I have new paint for the living room. I can do it myself maybe in the new year. I am going to order some curtain panels and have a rug on the way!
New pay period started yesterday so I will get some kind of pay on December 31st. I don't get a cheque from the funding agency for school before Jan 7th. I was hoping to get it sooner but oh well at least I know I am getting one. I hate being broke but thats it thats the time of year we are in.

Well its Official

Just had a staff meeting and the home I am working in will be closed by the end of January 2010. Its a good job I am going to school. Only thing is could be as soon as tomorrow. Don't know for sure. One good thing is I would rather have a lay off than a quit. I also said I would like to be still call in to the other homes.

OMG

I am going to school in January!!! The University had sent me a student number night before last while they processed my application. So me being me I set up the email account that goes with that number. LOL so instead of waiting I have been going to the site and waiting for a email!! I got one this morning! SO now this afternoon I have a ride to go down and sign the permission slip. I will have to walk back but one way is OK not so hard on my back and hips. God I can't believe it, I will have more time for myself too. I have to study and keep my marks up!!! Whoooo Hoooo I needed that good news today!!!

How Can I not sit here and cry

You know I am not a bad person. One thing I have learned about my life is that everything has a price. I don't get any free rides. No one understands my life because in some ways its not credible. I am disappointed right now, I have the opportunity to find out if I have been accepted to university. I can't fill out the permission slip and fax it back. I don't have access to that kind of thing here. So they emailed me back saying I can go to their office. So I called my mom to see if I could get a ride. Nope they have my cousin in from out of town so they just took her where she needed to go and then they have to go pick her up. Why don't I walk down. I could its slippery but I could but you know what I am in such bad shape that it would be hard on me. I just finished three night shifts and I am so sore its not even funny. The point was hoping maybe they would pick me up and take me down for something that is important to me. If I had $20 they could borrow it would be a different story then they would be here by now, and off to buy their beer. No wonder I am so screwed up. I have been programmed to be this way. My ex husband would charge me $5 for gas to take me to work.
Whats the point of living sometimes. Nothing like being made to feel like your a bother or burden your whole life.

Tired and Stressed

Well I am so very tired and stressed these days. I actually slept last night for a few hours straight for a change. Shift work is killing me. I heard from the University, they are reviewing my application. Its a long time to put my life on hold I have to go to school for four years then I have to work for the funding company for four years. A return in service contract has to be signed. Then I have to work within the organizations claims area. That means that I can't make any major life decisions for about eight years. If I do leave I have to repay everything. BUT thats it I will be secure more or less from the age of 50 or so. I will have a government job and will be able to move around to different social service departments.
I wish I could get a break though. I mean a real break. I spoke to my husband and told him he will take the kids back on my birthday. He wants to know why not wait until the following week. Its like you know what I have to start school the following week and I would like to have at least one day to myself. Not too much to ask I don't think.
Now I have to wait. and wait. and wait.

More news LOL

Ok well I have reached the point where I am now waiting to hear from school to see if I had been accepted or not. I am hoping I do I hate my job. Its gone down hill way too fast. I don't know anymore. I hate the way my life is going...damn cleaning fairy must have come in and died from shock LOL. So now its a waiting game.

Great more bad news

I guess I find out this week if I am getting laid off or not. I am so afraid right now. I hate where I am and praying that I get to go to school but thats not until January. So if I get laid off I have no money before Christmas. My husbands solution is he pays for the kids stuff, but I have to pay him back (thats no surprise I wouldn't expect him to be anything else but a idiot) and I have to keep the kids while he does that. He doesn't care that I won't have money for six weeks and have kids living here? I am frustrated with this and I have to keep going. When I first told him I might get laid off he asked about money I owed him to make sure he gets it.
He wants me to wait for my birthday gift, once again I don't expect anything else from him. I am letting the kids know what he said. His old bag slut of a girlfriends birthday is same month as mine, and I want to know if she will get hers on time.
I am tired of being treated like someone who is so insignificant to everyone that I don't matter. How I feel doesn't matter, how they treat me doesn't matter.
If I didn't have my kids I wouldn't have anything to keep me going. Sometimes its a very fine line that keeps me going...I am hoping it doesnt' snap any time soon. My kids deserve more than that.

I am afraid

I am afraid of getting involved in anything or getting involved with anyone. Not like anyone is interested but I am afraid. My life is sad and depressing and I hate it but its safer than trying to engage in anything with anyone. Face it the last man I was involved with I loved him with all my heart and he took it threw it on the ground and danced on it ....then disappeared.
So why set myself up for that again. I don't want to be used like a rag and thrown to the ground.

What kind of People live here?

Ok so this towns pretty bad for gossipers. Had a few things said about myself some of it I would sue for slander if I knew where it came from. I mean its bad really bad. Even the relationship I had with the man that I loved was a topic of gossip.
My husband has been going out with a woman for a little while. He was taking care of the kids the other night down here and went online and went to a site I introduced him to and emailed some of familiar names and a couple of new ones.
His girlfriend called him the next morning. One of the women he contacted printed out the email and brought it to her work....it was her boss. So what does that say about the boss, couldn't just say hey you know I am her manager and maybe its not a good idea for us to talk to each other. Or leave it be and not do anything. BUT to actually print it out and bring it to work...isn't that a horrible nasty thing to do!!
I heard her relationship went tits up awhile ago so maybe its spread the unhappiness all round!!

Wish I had someone to rely on

My son is sick. I worked all day and got home at 8 pm. My husband dropped the kids back to me at that time ( with him being sick it was good for his dad to take him...). He couldn't remember what time he had given him medication, he said he would be down in the morning, told him twice I am off tomorrow I am here but I may have to call him depending on our son. So I tried calling him to find out which number to call him on, so no answer or call back from the house phone or the cell phone. Guess he is off with his old slut of a girlfriend (she has cheated, I know and he hasn't said a thing) and thinking kids are gone he doesnt' have to think about it. Pisses me off you don't stop being a parent once you walk out the door. I am sitting here watching my son try to sleep in a chair, he has chills and now he is muttering and talking in his sleep...something he has never done.
I have been told I am selfish but I don't forget who I am and what I am. I do a lot for my kids, and right now I am not sure what I can give them anymore.

What to do

I am trying to figure out what to do about my finances. I am trying to get straighted up with everything. I am thinking I may have to cut off my house phone and internet for a couple of months. I just seem to think I am caught up and bang I look and I am behind once again. I could use a hair cut right now and I just ordered a bunch of towels to replace the ones I have had for a few years. They are actually pulling because the fibres are breaking down. Might cut down on the cable as well. Not sure, but that time of year is coming up that I hate so much. Even more so now I have no one to even consider spending time with anymore. Doesn't matter anyways not like anyone wants me.

Pet Peeve

OK so the last man I was with smoked, but then he quit. Now I work with women who smoke and it pisses me off. I hate it, and one woman who took the team leader position is constantly smoking. She stinks all the time and now I do sometimes as well. I just got a down coat and I could smell it on it. I don't think smoking should be allowed period. If your using your vehicle for work then no smoking should be allowed.

Life is what you make it

OK so I had a hell week at work again. I had to make a formal complaint about someone and of course its been handled the way they want to do it. I don't like being made look like someone who makes enough noise they have to listen. I was lied about plain and simple, I don't like it and I said so.
I have to start school in January, no questions about it. I was going to work and go to school but you know what I would only need to worry about some cash. I have to make up $400 a month from somewhere, then some months I need to work. I am going to ask that I be given a part time/call in job through work. I decided after all that stress of this week and how it was handled I need to get my priorities straight. A few months of tight money and what happens I get a degree in Social Work at best and I have to move away for a few years. I will have to work on the northern coast of Labrador because thats why the course is being offered. I am looking forward to that in a way. I am thinking of it as a chance to reconnect with the communties that my family has come from. I don't mind moving there, and now my son has talked about going with me in 4 years time.
I am seeing a new counsellor and its going well. She is setting up a treatment plan for me. I wasn't sure if I wanted to do it but you know what I need it. I am tired of the life I am living. I need to get things sorted out. I was trying to get things sorted financially. I am waiting to hear back from a bank if not I want to deal with getting some things consolidated.

High Rollin B*tch

Encountered one of those this week at work....and I was on the receiving end of it. I tried to do something that seemed OK at the times but I crossed a "favourite" of the boss. So it was mentioned that I was to be addressed on what I did, and then a comment was made on my hours. So you know what F*ck it...don't need it and don't piss me off. I am a spiteful person, well I can be. I won't be working any more than my 80 hours....I have extras this pay but thats because I have to do more training and a meeting. Other than that dont' f*cking call me and ask me to work like this then use it against me. I won't do it now, I don't need that shit. The old b*tch wants the hours....help yourself I don't need that crap. I will work my normal schedule from now on. OBTW I am on my 41th straight hour working and I have 19 more to go for this shift.... last time as well.

Going off the rails

I guess its everything going on I am going through a bit of a weird addictions obsessions phase. I have gambled pretty bad yesterday, I am eating crap and my homes a mess. I am going into a little bit of a hoarding phase as well. I am worrying that I don't have enough if I get laid off. Is it a possibility....always. I am going to be working 48-60 hour weekend. I had a frustrating weekend with work. Friday night one of the ones I care for took off outside in the rain with my shoes on. I was furious and if I have my way he should be responsible for replacing them. He had no right to take my belongings. Life is so frustrating!!

More Bad News

Six years ago at Thanksgiving my grandmother wasn't feeling well. My mom took her back and forth to the hospital. She was dead in less than three weeks. She had cancer. Now we just found out yesterday my mom surviving brother who she cares for has it in his liver and bowel. So in the last 9 years she has cared for a brother and mother who died and now she has to face the same thing with him. I don't know what she is going to do.

What to do what to do

I had a crazy day again! I spent over 2 hours in with the new counsellor. She is different but she is getting me to document my feelings towards the man who broke my heart. She also wants me to do a list of three goals I want to achieve. I had just enough time to get to work and bang there is a email. I haven't exactly been accepted to do the batchelor of social work program but they want me to do a foundations semester starting in January. Right now I could do it, working nights and weekends here. But what happens if I have to work a regular schedule with work soon. I don't know what to do!

Busy Busy Busy

I am so sore. I had to work nights all weekend. I had a busy weekend, days I went for rides with my friend, almost had to stop being around her last night but she calmed down. This morning I went and had my needle yayyyyyyyy!! Then came home and had to clear out my rooms for the worker to come in and tear it down. My husband came down to tear down my back step he didn't even do a quarter of it because he got sore. I had my kids down too they all stayed for dinner. I cooked chicken with all the stuff for a typical roast chicken dinner.
I had my group tonight and talked about gambling. I am getting more in control of it. I still do it but I am back to how I used to do it last year....not as a coping mechanism. I have to see a new counsellor tomorrow.
I am so sore and tired. Another day tomorrow...still breathing so far!

What do I Do

I just don't know what to do to shake this mood off. This time of year is always my favourite time but I also get very down on myself and life. I am sitting here so down on myself, I am starting to cry and I have to go to work soon. I don't know what to do to get myself back up. I still think of bad things to do, only for my parents and kids I am still here. I don 't care about or matter to anyone else in this world. No one wants a fat old ugly flawed boring person like me I guess. Probably good enough to f*ck and thats it. Face it nothing else interesting about me. A hole is a hole after all.

Dwelling on the past

I am doing that a lot the last few days. I think its the negativity of my friend and the men stuff. I can't get that man out of my mind!! Or my heart!!! I am such a fool....hateful it is!

I am so pissed off with myself

I was flicking through some old emails and came across pics of the man I love and damn it I am sitting here lonely and missing him...I hate myself I started to cry of all things...what am I going to do with myself!

Having another busy day

OK so I had a crap night sleep. I was lazing around, and the contractor called to say he was dropping by. Soooo a hour later he shows up! BUT he was here, did all the measurements and had a look to see what needs to be done! Yahhhhh!! Meanwhile my friend called offered to buy me lunch. He left just after her lunch break started so we ran and got food, was supposed to be Subway but ended up A & W. I just got a call from my son he got 97 on his math!! This is a boy who last year almost failed math! My mom had to fly out to the island to get medical tests done, and they are keeping her for a few extra days so I reluctantly offered to lend my dad some money tomorrow.
I have decided to gambling tomorrow. I have set up a time with a friend. I am not guilting myself about it I just want to go do it. I am in control of it. I won't be able to do it often but I just want to do it. I have to find out about the next group meeting. I don't want to not go thinking I am "OK".

Another Busy Day...now theres a Surprise!!

So OK I worked last night. I got off work this morning and did up all the paperwork required for my application for the batchelor of social work program I am applying for. I had someone drop by with the scope of the work I need done on my home. I have decided to try water aerobics to try and get my weight down. I am sore all the time and I think its because I don't move. I am going to go out with my gambling buddy Friday evening after work, I owe her big time! I am wondering if my other friend will be jealous. I have to get a life no matter who is in it. I need to blow off a little steam. I need a little break. I know I know but I have worked hard!

Yayyyyy

LOL sounds pretty said but I have 2 gallons of raspberries coming to me on Friday...$40 but I will get some jam made with them. I love homemade bread, real butter and Jam...MORE Winter food!

Roll on Tomorrow!

After my shift tonight I am off until Saturday Morning!!!! They asked me to work in another house yesterday morning and I said no waiting for a phone call. I don't know if they believed me or not, but I got a call just before 9 and had my home inspected by 11!! The best thing is I got approved for the maximum amount of funding from the program. $9500!!! He recommended new doors and windows, my steps need to be done and he also recommended I block off a back room...too much money would go into trying to get that taken care of. I was hoping the contractor I wanted was going to drop by today but he didn't. I want that work done asap.
I worked a 16 hour last night, and did up the containers of food like I wanted to do. So now I have more things in my freezer!
I am a mess though! Got to take care of that soon!

Hmmm

I swore I posted earlier today!

Down but not Out

Well another fun filled day LOL. I got up way too early but not sure even what time I fell asleep last night. I know I woke up at one point and watched Most Haunted..part of it. I got up and was just farting around. SO I got up parboiled the greens I had picked threw them in the freezer, did some laundry but nothing too nuts. I just had my shower and going to cook something in a minute for my dinner. I made myself a couple of BLTs for my lunch. Tomorrow is a 16 hour shift so when I get off in the morning I am going to defrost a bunch of meat. I am going to do up some spaghetti sauce with meatballs to freeze, maybe some chilli and bake off and cut up the last of my chicken breasts. I like them frozen after cooked to use for quesadillas or salads or done up in a sauce.
I just ordered some new bras, ordered my exhusbands bday gifts on thursday thats where my extra hours are going this time. Never ending but at least I am catching up on things. My joints are sore and burning on my right side :(

I need a break from it all

Well just got the new work schedule, and I am working next few nights. I am getting tired, here I am home and not out. I don't mind my friend she is getting a bit overpowering again. She was depressed the other week, last night I had to listen to her cackle for hours like a crazy woman about the same stuff.
Tonight we were thinking of going out, but I can't handle it right now. I was talking to her on the phone and she was going on and on about us being alone for the rest of our lives.
I have had a few rough days this week and the thoughts haven't been good. Do I really want to live like this forever...NO do I want someone in my life...Yes what can I do, and what will I do if I don't find someone. Very dark thoughts have been going through my mind.

NO more

So her appointment is next Wednesday, she wants the money today. She got kind of shitty with me because I said when I go out I will drop it off. I won't be lending her any more money. I am doing her a favour and she just doesnt' appreciate it. I am tired and wanting to go out with my friend in a hour, I haven't rested because waiting around for my mother....I have to work tonight. Sometimes the price is too high in a lot of ways!

Gee why am I frustrated?????

OK I am trying to get a life with some money in it LOL. SO I had $10 in my bag, and was holding on to it for dear life! So my mom calls me this morning, saying they were looking for $10 to help get materials to finish off her step before my brother goes. My dad has parkinsons and a bad back and my brother is in from out of town. So I lend her the $10....I have a quarter left in my bag. I have money in the bank but thats for bills and bank fees that are due to come out today or Monday. I was talking to her and she tells me the stuff for the step was cheaper than they thought and my brother has done most of the work but will finish it this weekend. Hmmmm OK. I said I was broke, and she said well you sold something the other day its like yes I bought some food, went out for dinner with a friend and bought the greens etc yesterday. I would like the money for this evening in case I want to stop for a bite etc...it is my money! Oh well apparently she said she bought my uncle cigarettes with MY money!!! The nerve. His gambling his pension is not my problem!
I specifically don't lend her money due to that households problems. I offered to lend her money for a trip out of town for a medical appointment because she wouldn't get her pension until the day after she got back. Now she is looking for it now. Its bad knowing your lending money for her to gamble and drink. I don't offer and have been doing really well with not lending her money!
I don't know she is now waiting to hear from the loan company to see if she can get money from them I hope she does...gets me off the hook.
The road to hell is paved with good intentions...mines full of of diamonds and gold and gems but it always comes back to bite me in the ass!!

Been Busy

Well had a couple of busy days. I went to the farm yesterday and picked my greens so I have to get them ready for the freezer. Worked a bit too of course, so this morning sorting out my stuff for payday next week. Have my hours stretched out over the next two pays enough to help me a little bit. My mom decided the other morning to come up so I did some gutting of things. She left with a bunch of food, thats OK now I know what I need to buy..maybe a couple of chickens thats it! I picked up some stuff for the kids for snacks when they come down again. I have to make a couple of phone calls this afternoon to get the work sorted out on my house. Next week is going to be interesting as well because its going to be our new schedule! Going to have a lot of days off though and mostly weekends. Not good for when I do have my kids although I get to be home a lot to cook and help with homework!

Oh my

I am having a down day. Things are getting to me right now. I am feeling lonely again, wondering if I will ever find someone to be a part of my life. I gambled today and really want to keep at it, right now its something that I feel I may need. Its not the best move for me but right now its something I want to do. Is it right, no, can I stop, yes but I just don't know today.

Another busy week

I have worked and worked and worked. I have got paid and spent it all LOL. I got my insurance paid yayyy. Had a day out with my friend yesterday, she is having a hard time of it all. She broke down and she had me weepy as well. I feel so bad for her I know where she is coming from but she needs to help herself. I am doing better.
I did work last night but came home, ignored the state of my home and focused on me LOL. I had my hair done yesterday. So today it was time to pluck and primp and paint. Now I am considering laying back for a hour then getting ready to go out again.
Today myself and my daughter, mom and sister are walking for Parkinsons. My dad has it so we are going to do that. Its cold and wet and we have some sponsorship from friends and family but we are going to do it! Its not a long walk, its from a school to a local park.
Back to work tonight....but then my only day off this week is going to be Wednesday.

Interesting

I have had a interesting couple of days off. One thing was the person who was considering getting the leaders job informed me that she did, she also informed me that someone had told her things I had said. I did the one thing I wanted to do, I let her know I was wrong and what I had said was the heat of the moment, but I bet the person who told her didn't mention anything they had said.
I am figuring out the budget for myself and its really tight. Nothing unusual for me though, I am used to not having money. I would like to poke some away each pay, maybe $20. I won't have a lot of spare but then I have to say its OK I have my home, bills will be paid, food for now. I wonder how I managed to gamble like I did! Talk about burying your head in the sand!
OH well such is life. I am considering getting another tattoo one day. I am learning new things all the time and I want that to reflect that in my life.

OK OK I know

Yeah I do complain a little bit about my life. I do work a lot and I do get tired. I just worked a 24 home again for 4 hours and back for a 12 tonight. I am off then until Thursday morning. I am wondering how to deal with the money, I do have to pay the bills and that would help but I am also thinking get a little in the bank. I have to start living the budget I have given myself. No more doing what I want I guess LOL. I am actually considering giving up a shift, the hours I will get will be over 140 on this pay due to the holiday. BUT once again I have to consider what I am getting and what I need.
OH well time will tell!

Wondering what to do

Wondering what to do with myself again. I just worked a 80 hour week, tired but went out last night and it was pathetic. I am at a bit of a loss. What direction do I want to take with my life? Whats going on with work? I don't want to lose the hours for next week or the next two weeks. I don't think I will get them though. If I am offered work in another home do I take it to make sure I work but it will be more stressful. My friend was flirting with me again online this morning, I enjoyed it because it was bantering back and forth, he would say he could stay here I would be very happy and he said no hands involved. I said how can he cut the grass, paint the living room and tear down my back step with no hands! I went to sleep here on the couch at 2 and up by 8 and work calling me asking about a movie. Its 8 am on Sunday what was the rush? I am not interested in a lot of things anymore. I am not going out looking for sex, I am not into that anymore although I often think that the man that I loved has had his fair share of sex since he ended it thats all he wanted I think.
My friend she is a good person but right now she has gone into the negativity and I have tried talking to her about it. I am going to have to try and back off for a bit. I think she is part of the reason why I am down today.
I have worked hard to get out of that mind set. LOL most days now I just wish I had "stuff". Just small things but just that female mindset of getting a new pair of shoes etc. When I went out last night I wasn't feeling good about myself. I need to focus on myself. With the possibility of my job being gone I have bought food, and want to catch up on things before it happens. I have found a washer and dryer thats within my price range. So I am thinking should I invest some money in those, I don't' have the money now but maybe by the end of the month.
I am feeling a little lonely too I think. I am tired of going out and ending up eating with my friend. I don't feel good and I don't like how she tries to say she doesn't go to the chicken place only with me. I didn't go before her and she has let it slip she has gone a few times a week. I told her yesterday I can't make plans now until I know whats going on at work.
I miss my counsellor. I miss that connection. I am a bit calmer again because I can't worry about what I can't control. I can try to help figure out what we can do but I can't make someone not let me go from my job or cut my hours. I won't drive myself nuts. I have been down that path before. I don't want to go that way. I have been trying to get my friend not to be that way either. If she isn't going to change or at least reconsider how she handles things like I said I am going to have to back off from her for a few days. My life is my priority and negativity is like a cold, one person has it and if your around it too long you catch it too.
LOL I just want some fun and relaxation.....soon!

Found out more about work

Yesterday we got the call that our hours are definately on the line. Our kid at work will be more family centred than our place now. Weekends he will be with us, so whats going to happen with us? I picked up a few hours for next week so I have that, I need to have some money to keep me going if my hours get cut. I am looking after myself this time! Apparently there is some work available in the hotels. But I would like them to move that child into our house, makes more sense I think! Fingers crossed it will all work out!

I am Tired

I am tired of eating. Seems like thats all I do and I have to stop. I am going to tell my friend I can't go out and eat so much, I feel like a whale and I look like one too :( I feel so bleah!

Work and more work LOL

Yeah I am working a 24 kind of tonight, at some point tomorrow I will come home and shower. I worked yesterday and today in the other house, so thats a few more hours, got offered a night tonight and I will do my own shift tomorrow. I am picking up a shift on Sunday for 8 hours at another house. I am tired but I want to go out on Friday night and go to the yard sales on Saturday so I have to have some money. This extra money is coming in handy! Makes it a little easier for me! So I will be off to work soon, need to keep the wolves away from the door!

I am tired of it

I worked with someone yesterday who I like most of the time but she has this irritating habit. She can't see things any other way but hers, she has no understanding of others and their situations. We were talking about hours, I said I automatically thing well they have partners in their lives they are alright. She looked at me and jumped down my throat, I made the choice to end my marriage so thats my fault. Excuse me but you know what thats right it was a choice that I made but thats a automatic thought and would not ever use that to try and get hours....BUT my marriage wasn't perfect, I didn't divulge anything and so what if I had decided, or he decided but don't throw that in my face. I said to her its a automatic thought I don't know what others moneys situation is like but thats something that I think of and its there. But I didn't like being attacked. So because I ended things and we get along now doesn't mean that we got along while we were married. Another thing is that there was a lot of put downs and I didn't want that anymore....seems like I am dealing with it again.
What do I do, guess I have to put up with it... not like I am not used to it. But thing is no one should have to...from anyone.

My poor puppy

My daughter just called me to let me know her dad had to leave work to take the puppy to the vet. Apparently she had let the puppy outside and the german sheppard next door had a go at her. So she had a puncture on her nose poor little thing. She had been outside, my daughter heard them at it and when she went out to see the little thing was as far away from the other dog as she could get. I said to my exhusband he should be given the vet bill and be made to pay my husbands lost wages for that couple of hours. Hopefully they will do something with that damn dog!

What a weekend LOL

OK so I found out on Friday the school stuff may still be possible. I am OK right now with my hours I think. I went out spent some money, ate out, went out for a couple of hours, on Saturday I went yard saling and for a ride. Then I went to work in the evening. That was Saturday evening, I was home for about half a hour yesterday morning and went back in at 8:30 yesterday morning and worked until this morning! But it was OK I now have enough hours to make it more comfortable for me. I did indulge myself a little this weekend but it was good it was something that I needed big time. Almost felt like someone with a normal life. I am off today and have 4 days coming up! OH nooooo LOL. I have to do some tidying here today but thats OK too I don't have any plans to go out until later, someone is coming to town and bringing money for some things I sold on facebook! Keep myself going on that money. Still kind of broke but thats OK I have a lot of stuff in this place.
I am feeling a little more relief and less frantic.

85 steps backwards

well was just talking to work and I may be losing hours. I can't afford to lose any! I just found out I am able to work and go to school though which is good!

I don't need this

I don't need to be online and see constant reminders of child abuse, dog abuse, elder abuse, sexual abuse, poverty and war. I know it exists. It seems like exposing people to images and videos are the thing to approach these subjects but I don't want to see it. I am not turning a blind eye to it I just don't think that people need that in your face way of dealing with it.
I am trying to raise my children with the knowledge of whats right and whats wrong. I am trying to make them aware of respect for themselves and others. I try to communicate with them as best I can. I have been telling my son that he needs to treat a woman the way he would want myself and his sister to be treated. I am making sure my daughter is strong and doesn't' end up in relationships that are wrong.
I try to donate what I can, I try to inform SPCA of abuse if I see it. I can't afford to financially support things but that doesn't mean I ignore them.
I just don't think showing pictures of actual cases is the right way to do it. Its to the point that its desensitizing not getting the shock factor they are looking for.

Another small step...

I think I have sold some more things. I am glad. Its clothes, brand new but never worn. I probably won't wear it so time to get rid of it. I have some clothes I purchased and its time for that to go as well. I am looking at a couple of hundred dollars coming in the mail if it all goes the way I want it to. What am I going to do with it? Part of it will go on bills and as much as I can keep will go into the bank. Won't be much left to put into the bank, but its a little bit more than what I had. My friend wants to go out for dinner on Friday I wish she would realize that I don't know what I can do from one day to the next and once I get a little more secure I won't be able to pick up and go like they seem to do.

Organization and Prioritizing

I sometimes think of what I am. I am a person who is a daydreamer and a procrastinator and I often try not to let people down. I need to change that. I need to get myself organized and prioritize. I always say I am broke not poor. I like nice things, I have nice things, I have a lot of things. I have a mortgage I pay myself I had a loan last year to get the bathroom totally redone and the floors and painting done. Credit is a dangerous thing for a gambler. I don't cope well sometimes and I go back into bad behaviour. I am not poor, I have my cable, I have the internet and cell phones etc and nice jewelry and clothes and cosmetics. I have food in my freezer and cupboards. I am purchasing a few things now for my home, but thats for the home to make it more comfortable for myself. My husband was saying to me yesterday you don't NEED to pick up the lamp, but I feel I do, its on sale, I have no lamp ( my brothers one is here but I don't want to take advantage of it, even though my shed is full of his crap). I just need to get organized and get things on track. Working the hours that I work has thrown me off track. I want new things for here and this is the chance I just need to pay the bills first not always get what I want.
I don't need much only to pay my bills, rest and eat properly. One day I am hoping to get back on track. My home is not so hectic and I have to get rid of the stuff I can't sell. I have to get the time and the energy to do a cooking day, get the supplies and go for it. If I have food frozen it will be easier for me to eat. I need to start picking up bottled water etc for the school lunches for the kids.
Its just a long road to travel on.

If you looked...

up exhausted in the dictionary there would be my picture. Had the night from hell last night at work and today wasn't much better. I am getting to the point I can't rest properly. One more night shift tonight. I wish I had some excitement in my life. Its a bad way to be, nothing to look forward to. I mean payday is on Friday and its GONE. I have sold a few things in the last couple of days, its looking better in here already.
So none of my plans have come to be, never got to walk or rest properly this summer. I didn't get a few things that I wanted to and to be honest going to school isn't looking too good right now either.
I always bounce back. Its this time of year gets me down as well but I love the fall. I love the change in the weather (although right now I am wondering if the rest of my life I am going to get sore like I have since the cooler weather and rain showed up), its so nice. But I think I have a touch of that seasonal stuff. Oh well.... got to keep bouncing I guess. LOL two days off coming up and I can SLEEP!!

One step forward...

LOL yeah I hoping no steps back. I did throw out a bunch of things this morning and I have also sold a couple of things just to get rid of it. I went through a bunch of photos threw out a bunch of out of focus ones or scenic ones from when we lived in germany and the UK. I mean no good for us to have those, the kids will have some wedding pics of us as well for when they are older. I threw out a card and the frame i had it in from the man that I loved as well, no need in keeping that.
One step is good, now whats my next step going to be...

"Stuff"

I was just in the shower thinking about all my "stuff". I don't need all this stuff. I have wayyyy too much stuff. if my house burned down tonight what would I want to save. Well it won't burn down I am hoping because I am still trying to sort out the insurance LOL. Seriously maybe the kids pictures some jewelry and my grasswork bowl my grandmother made for me the christmas before she died. My grandmother could do a lot of aboriginal crafts and I often wish I could have learned it from her.
But stuff is stuff, if everyone is alive its OK. I am going to seriously think about having a yardsale and get rid of a shitload of things. I have a bunch of books I want to read and some cook books I want to try out but there are several I won't even open so off they go.
God help me because I am going to need it.

I ammmmm

EXHAUSTED. I am so friggin tired I broke down and gambled money I didn't have again today. I am so frustrated right now, I am tired, really down about things. I am tired of stuff, I am tired of trying to find good food to eat... pass me the damn chips. Getting rid of a few things purely out of frustration. I just put my Wii fit online, had it almost a month and its still in the box I am just too tired to bother. I want a normal life, I want to not have to worry about things. Damn it I wish I was stronger these past few days. Tired of being alone and having to do things all on my own. I hate life right about now!!! I need rest but no rest for me for another couple of days and months to scrape up some kind of life!!

Oops guess what I did LOL

Well I had just about enough of others today. I worked all day did my twelve hours, and was thinking the whole time I was there. I got frustrated with it all and then my friend was texting me. So I told him what i thought of it all, he was floored and shocked thats what I thought. i told him straight and he didn't know what to think. He is going to back off a bit now but I tell you he is laying the GUILT on me thick and you know what I don't care!
Then my old gambling buddy pops on to messenger yacking away,,, got tired of her pretty quick. Asking me always about working and how much I work. I said listen I need $300 to start my insurance, I need that this week. She said surely you will have that I said not after my bills are paid. I said well thing is no one seems willing to lend me money and thats OK because I know who my friends are and who I can rely on. Thing with her is she never had any problems asking me for a loan for more than that and she can't help a friend out..fuck that I am not doing it anymore!!!!
LOL who needs friends right LOL

Difficult Days

OK so my friend is in town yayyyyy right. Well one problem, he has now made it quite obvious why he wants to see me. I mean I feel like I am being pressured and I don't like it. I am making excuses not to meet up and of course he is calling and texting all the time. I certainly didn't expect this. I am not interested in sex to be honest with you. I haven't had sex since March and that was fine. Got myself into a fine mess now haven't I. HATE IT!!!

Tired and tired and tired

Yup I am pretty tired. I went out this evening, spent money I didn't have to spend as per usual. I picked up some new pajamas for myself so tonights the last night for this holey nightie I have on. Only fit for the garbage now. I am going through a lot of things and trying to clear out. I am not poor, I am broke LOL. I wish I had a little more energy and time off. I have to do a couple of things tomorrow but not too early. I need a maid LOL!

OH Dear

LOL I just worked 3 nights and tried to be good with food. I was just napping and dreamt I was eating All dressed chips and they were soooooooooooo good, and I am not really fond of them either LOL guess I am craving chips after a few days. Not sure how I am doing with the food but I am trying!

Slow start

Well last night I tried to start with the cutting back on the "junk". I didn't get anything at Tim's on the way to gambling group. I did break down and have a cookie at group. I did make my supper at work last night which was quesidillas BUT that was the only thing I ate there. I had a cereal bar this morning after work, I ate a bagel and had a smoothie for lunch and now for supper I had a plate of leftovers made into "bubble and squeak", I always just cook it in a little oil, fry up a onion then add lots of pepper. I feel good too because I haven't wasted much of the leftovers. I can't wait to get my new microwave then it will be bags of smartpop when I want something junky. I have to start exercising now as well. I have to cut up more fruit to take to work with me tonight. I am a grazer and try now to try healthier stuff. I bought a bunch of 100 calorie snack stuff the other day that way if I have a craving a little bag should take care of the worst of it.
One of my goals is not to waste too much food, I think in Chatelaine magazine there was a article on food wastage and I am guilty of it. I am one to buy stuff then end up going to work and next thing I haven't opened my fridge for 3 days and bang its gone off. I am trying to make sure I don't waste too much and threw out a bunch of stuff yesterday and before I go to work there are some old clothing I am going to bin. Its no good to keep things that I am not going to wear because it shrunk or is ratty looking. I have "good" clothes.

Another Nice Surprise

I just was talking to my mom and she is coming up this morning for a visit. She said my brother sent me up a Artic Char on the weekend. I am not normally a fish person and I do have 7 Salmon in my freezer BUT I am also trying to lose some weight so fish will be good! So it was nice of my brother to get me one!

A Nice Surprise

I was online and got a message from my friend who was gone into camp. He is working here in town so wants to go for a drink one night. I told him sure no problem, be nice to see him again. He called me and we had a long chat, we don't normally get the chance to talk he has a jealous wife but thats OK to I am not interested like that. He was a great friend and missed him when he left the last time. It was nice to have attention in a positive way from a man back then and it was that friendship that made me realize that I didn't want to be online with men who only wanted sex, that wasn't fufilling my needs. I realized that sex wasn't what I wanted and needed from a man I liked the idea of talking to a man and passing time with them. I had decided not to be that same person when I got a email asking me to meet from the man that I fell in love with. Then I got to know him first before the physical stuff came into play. Oh my things in my life haven't been easy. I wish it had been in a way but I wouldn't change meeting either one of these men.

Oh well

I didn't go out last night. I thought about it and thought OK so I am tired, I don't want to deal with other womens opinions (my friend I was thinking was going to be in full rant last night) so I laid down and slept. I would have been too tempted to gamble especially if there were crowds etc. So I opted out I took the phone off the hook and laid down. Now I am glad I did. I was just talking to my friend...not a good idea. I hate the fact she is so resentful of her ex husband. I don't want to deal with that negativity. Time to get on with my own life without here for a few days again now. I don't hate men, I hate what the men in my life have done to me but not all men are the same. I have tried talking to her about how to let it all go and how two people play parts in things. I am going to cook my chicken today and say the hell with everyone else, and I don't want to gamble today if I can help it. I spoke to the woman I go to group with about it and she is going to call me.
I try not to be negative but its hard and I think I am depressed slightly again. I need to change my focus and do something to get out of this funk. Like I said I feel that depression is like walking on the waters edge, sometimes the waves are little tiny ones there but barely touching you to the big swells you get on stormy windy days. I would say its a bit windy on my beach the last few days. I have to change that. My horizons need to be sunny and calm!

It was kind of sad

Yesterday was my anniversary, I was married 16 years ago. As bad as it was I don't like the fact that it didn't work out. I thought I had found the one and was happy I had waited and had my "fun" before getting married.
Now I am single dumped and down because I guess I going to be alone for a long long time.

Going and going and going

Well I got off work this morning and hit the yard sales. I then went to the store and picked up a few things and came home and have been trying to catch up on things. I am not knocking myself out for anything though. I am supposed to go out tonight and I really don't want to. I was thinking I haven't done much but work and become a hermit. I have no excitement or anything to look forward to in my life. So now its a effort to do anything. I mean when I think about it, why am I doing this to myself.
I want to gamble so bad right now. Its what I have become accustomed to doing for something to do. I haven't been social for a long long time. I guess I lost that spark that I had, I mean face it I haven't been out for a good night in ages. Work has been the focal thing in my life. I have to do things for myself and remember who I am and what I want.
I am tired of being here in this life and whats come with it. Guess I am feeling a little lonely and lost. I need to get out of this situation. Only way is to get on with it, not work so much and do other things. I am tired today and it shows.
Not much on the man front either, one of my old friends was coming to town but he only passed through, married etc but would have been nice to see him and say HI face to face for a change. I was thinking today the man that I loved is probably fucking his way across Canada now, I am not even thought of. Another reason to get out, but not sure LOL two of the women I am going out with are big mouth opinionated ones....nothing like me at all LOL. I know that my friendships are having a negative effect on me and I don't need that I have come this far.
So now as I read this post I recognise two things with me right now...I am tired and haven't eaten today....well picked at crap but its showing isn't it! I have a big meal planned for myself tomorrow. LOL roast chicken with everything. New potatoes are out so I had to cook my favourite meal! Its this time of year when I see new potatoes I crave , get ready for this LOL, roasted chicken, new potatoes, salt beef, greens, peas pudding, carrots and turnip mashed up with gravy and duff (its pudding baked on top of the chicken about 20 minutes before serving) and maybe some stuffing. Thats my indulgence meal this time of year. I don't have to work now until Monday night and it will be good to be off a couple of days!
So now its round 2 with the laundry and get some food in me and cut up my fruit!

Yahooooo

Took two wire hangers but I got the plastic one out of the lint trap!!

Trying and Trying

OK so I had a bit of a iffy day so far. I went to work, got called in for the afternoon, its all about the money right. So ran into one of the buddies I gambled with, she gave in, she was going on and on about it. It made me want to too :( I am not happy I was doing well, I broke down and bought a few tickets to get that urge out, better a few bucks than a bill payment right. I mean I came home and didn't pay the full amount on a couple of bills but that was because I need to have a little for the dryer problem. I owe about 75 back on a couple of bills but I will make that up later on. So back up to 112 hours now on this pay in a couple of weeks.
I bought a lot of fruit today trying to kick that junk food habit again. I need to be healthier. A handful of fruit and salads is more what I should be eating. I am in a rush to get to another house to work in now so I guess its leftover goulash for my supper.
My mother had the nerve to look insulted when I asked her when she gets paid again. I leant her money against my better judgement and I should have told her no. I am working in this other house tonight because I was assured it was a better place in the night. I also picked up some days over there its going to be hard but after that I am thinking I will be lucky to get my full time hours.
I have to eat and shower once again, the sweat is pouring off me, I am going to yard sales in the morning then out tomorrow night! Wish me luck!
OH yeah anyone wanna clean a house of a woman who is never home but still makes a mess hahahaha!!

BUT you know what.....

I have two wonderful kids, I have a roof over my head, I have food in my cupboard, I have a closet full of clothes and no one is sick, not going to dwell on what I don't have, I am grateful for the life I have, and I have a job. Could be a lot worst, and I don't want that!

Now if I could just get that damn hanger out of my dryer!!! LOL

OK whats wrong with this picture?

So I am a singleish woman on my own. I am struggling right now to get things done in my life, working what I can work to get better back on my feet than what I am. I have a brother who has a good job ( a few bills but he is on good money) a sister who has a good job with a husband who makes good money and one child. So I can't figure out why my mother is bugging me to lend her money. Sure its $20 and I will do it but why not ask my siblings? I just emailed my sister to ask her if mom owes her any money. I have less than $100 to last me until next week. Its a price I am paying for overspending I guess, and after this month I should be better on track with things. August is always a expensive time for me, birthdays, school stuff to buy.

Decluttering

I have to make the attempt to declutter still. Not enough done of that lately. I have a shed full of shit and old stuff, I have to get my clothes and things organized. Might get that done this weekend, if its not too hot or I am not too lazy. Its not being lazy its trying to relax and take care of myself I guess.

Facing Up to Reality

I have been wondering why I am so broke all the time. You know what I am broke because I am becoming a recovering gambler. I am opening my eyes and taking responsibility to my actions. I was never making money on it and buying things with my "winnings" but never paying what I had to with the money I was taking to gamble with. Sure I did fall pretty hard into it for awhile after the relationship ended, but thats no excuse I was getting into it pretty good for awhile. Just boredom and stuff...the gambling counsellor told us the alcoholics anonymous have a thing:
HALT which means:
H=Hungry
A=Angry
L=Lonely
T=Tired

thats the breakdown of it. I think the thing with gambling it should include frustated. Or not enough money, a person who only has $20 is likely to gamble in hopes of making it more. I know thats how I felt and still do feel.
I am having a hard time trying to get into coping with things. I am trying to pay the bills and something always happens to push me back. LOL I lost a plastic hanger in my dryer lint trap last night. My household insurance is almost doubled since last year. I really need a hair cut and the wires have started popping out of my bras! But thats it they will have to go on my list of things I need to do WHEN I get money. But I also need to do some things for me!

Why?

OK so I was looking at some things online that I need. Nothing fancy just some bras and underwear. Why are they so expensive. I can't wear my nice things to work so obviously I need to get everyday things. Bras range in my size from about $17 to $70! Underwear is weird, the regular size is $9 a pair and my size is $10.50! So for the sake of one size I have to pay a extra $1.50 a pair! Nothing fancy just plain high cut cotton panties. So that means that I have to work a whole day (12 hours) to get two bras and two pairs of panties! OK maybe 4 pairs of panties but you know what I mean. But the older ones I have are stained up torn up or as in the case of my bras the wires are popping out :(

Funny

I am tired and sitting here thinking maybe I should lay down and just thinking of things..I need rest LOL
I am wondering if I am borderline scatterbrain? LOL I had on most of my report cards that I need to pay more attention in class that I was a daydreamer. LOL no wonder I am the way that I am better to have my head in the clouds than up my ass though LOL

Thinking about myself

OK just doing a rundown of myself in my head here it goes:
*grew up with a mother who screwed with my self worth and self esteem
*grew up with a dad who had issues, he had a lot of pride
*had big things to overcome, shyness,self esteem, self value and not sure of who I was in life and what I meant to others.
*went a bit crazy when I got old enough had a baby at 19 and gave him up for adoption and then dealing with parents, post natal depression and peer pressure.
*was raped and never told anyone
*went away to school got sick and came home, in the end had to go get tested for brain tumours, turns out three years later that it was migraines contributing to thyroid problems, brought on by the birth control pill
*my friends were controlling, one true friend got married and left me
*insecure in my life, all my friends were getting married and leaving me, I was 100 lbs heavier than before, thought I was turning into a alcoholic, then met my future husband.
*thought he loved me one night when I was in a mood he tells me "good job I am marrying you because no one else will"
*got married, got pregnant and moved to another continent
* had baby by myself with no family support, had to leave room to breastfeed not to offend anyone, dealt with depression and moving.
*night before going to yet another country hubby phones me to inform me he is tired so won't be meeting me at the plane, almost didn't go
*deals with a husband who after 3 months of being on his own drinking doesn't want to do anything with a wife and child who did everything to make sure the move went smoothly because he is tired. Attempted to leave twice
* left that country, went to another one, then moved back to Canada and in the midst of all that find out that I am pregnant.
*move back to canada, go to work, husband doesn't work for months, buy this stupid home and we are trapped
*I have to finish work early so can't qualify for mat leave, he has low paying job, baby is born
* had baby with depression, a according to him now a depressed husband and no money
*told by husband to sleep on couch because the baby keeps him awake, I am tired and despressed and don't have the energy to defend myself but refuses to have sex with him on the couch after one night he throws the used condom on the floor..I am used enough
*go on meds for depression makes me crazier
* take myself off the meds cold turkey and apply for school
* get through school yayyyyyy but he isn't supportive...I have to earn money to pay for my sitter and transport
*end up going to school again after this course is done
* find out that there are people who find me interesting and want to talk and compliment online!! After three years of cutting your own hair, wearing old clothing and not doing anything and being ignored its a nice break
*get caught up with online stuff, men men men, webcams, photos, groups and meeting men face to face....getting tired of it all, I want to be treated better than that.
*Go out one night have only a couple of drinks, wake up in a hotel room with a strange man, don't tell anyone, so ashamed might as well just go with men now....realize wrong move
*meet the man who I fall in love with almost by accident, I am getting bored and don't want to meet anyone else but he peaks my interest.
*turn 40...what do I want in life, to stay with a man who ignores me, puts me down, digs at me but will never admit it, hell he won't even sleep with me, I have made mistakes and need to change that but I cant' be with this man anymore
*confronted and want a divorce, he is shocked, turns nasty for a bit but then things calm down he tries to blame my friend but has nothing to do with him
*i am getting new things and painting he isn't happy but he never was interested in me until I got a better job with a lot better pay...his loss.
* he moves out and has the kids for awhile...PEACE
* been with the man that I love and know I have feelings for him
*working and waiting for him to visit
*getting work done on my home
*still at the same job its stressful but things are going good
*the man that I love decides he wants to be left alone! What about me, how about how I feel, maybe my husband was right no one wants me, not good enough to be loved by anyone and so brokenhearted
*just working and gambling because I am alone, go see a counsellor
* getting things in perspective
*have a bad week at work, decide what am I going to do?
* have recieved application for school
*counsellor is gone but still plodding on

Thats my life kind of so far...gee whats next LOL

Floundering

Thats what I feel like I am doing. I am tired, a little run down and wondering what to do next. I have to work tonight then off for a few days. I am dragging my feet on a few things, things that only take a few minutes to do but right now I am procrastinating. I am thinking now of what to do, I have still my bills to pay and I have new things but I need some personal things. I would like to go get my hair done, do things like that, but in reality clothing is hard to find in this town to fit me.
OK now I think I just had a bathroom breakthough. LOL not exactly the thinker pose but I was in there comtemplating my life. I don't have any excitement or pleasure in it. I work all the time but what do I do when I am not working...nothing. I used to get excited when he would come to town, it was looking forward to something. I didn't excited until I knew he was on his way and I think that was so I didn't get disappointed ( a common thing in my life). In my marriage there was a lot of disappointment. My shopping is because it gave me something to look forward to. Although I do think that I shop because I like nice things, and I used to be pretty smart looking once upon a time. I get overworked, get frustrated and tired and as soon as I get into the clear I start spending again because I am not content, I am not happy and think those things that I buy will make me happy. So I have created a good web for myself.
I was watching a show with Wayne Dyer in it, and I would love to read the book. Its called excuses begone. He had a young man on there who had been in a fire. Makes you think of what dumb excuses we use to not do anything when there is a young man who has no hands learning to tie his shoes and play the drums. LOL shopping again but then again I have to balance myself.
My counsellor is gone now and I may have to wait awhile to get a new one. Small steps and deep breaths. I have to realize that in my life that there was a lot of things that have happened and its not going to change overnight. But I need to change some things soon.

Tired of IT

OK I am tired of the comments on my ex. Mike hasn't called, emailed or written , OH WELL!! Its been 5 months or so I guess, and I am tired of the questions. I said to my husband the other day I am so much calmer in the last little while so maybe he did me a favour. Not so wrapped up in him i have had a chance to get myself in order in a way.
OK so maybe he found a new woman, maybe he had a wife and kids, maybe he was a bigamist, but you know what it doesn't matter now because its over and the sooner they leave it be the sooner I can stop listening to it all! No matter what everyone says I have my own opinion on the man and of what happened but thats mine no one elses and I don't like everyone bringing it up...once again it feels like they know something I don't!

Ug

I am not having a good couple of days. I worked way too much and nothing to show for it! Yeah I know I paid my bills, got a few things started but damn it I want to have money LOL. I did get my salmon yesterday, 7 huge (well not huge but to me they are!) salmon now reside in my freezer. As a aboriginal person I took advantage of the ability to get someone to harvest them for me.

I think one of the reasons why I feel so bleah is the fact that I have been so sore lately. I don't know if its the humidity or what. My joints are screaming a lot of the time and I can't find my pills. I have to work today so I am going to be even sorer. Wish I knew where my tylenol went! Must get ready to go, have to bring a few extras with me, I want to get my turnip greens washed and par boiled to freeze ( I love them and went down to a local farm on Saturday and picked them. I am going to cook off a chicken at work as well, no one likes them over there but I figure cook one off and freeze the meat, good for sandwiches or go on salads.
Long day I do a 8-4 then a 8-8, another 20 hour day and I have to squeeze my gambling group in there as well!

interesting

I am on my new laptop and the one that man gave me the adobe hasnt' been working on it since he gave it to me so I went on to look at my bills i couldn't view before. I just found out that a service I had deleted from my phone bill has still been on my bill. So thats a extra $120 since March I have been paying out. So I emailed them and asked why its still there! I want to get my ex off my phone bill as well. I need to get my life a little more streamlined!

Oh no

Well I had my last counselling session the other day. My counsellor is leaving and I will miss her terribly and now I am wondering if I will need a new one or not. Lifes a bit of a upheaval right now. I need some stimulation!

Annoying People

Well my friend has decided that she is going to do the same program I am going to do, thing is will that woman ever have a original thought in her head. She went to school because I decided to, she can't dress herself without asking me what to wear. LOL at least someone wants to be like me LOL

A little disappointing

I think that I am going to be disappointed when I get my previous marks they are about 3 points lower than the grade I need. BUT I am going to apply anyways, can't hurt and used to some rejection in life but you never know!

A little further

Yes I am a little further in my plans, getting the transcripts for my university courses I have completed ( have to have at least 2 Bs in courses and experience working with children if your over 23 and want to do the social work course) and I have the affidavit signed to get permission to get work done on my home using the government program for aboriginal people....I am getting there!

Potentially big changes coming through

Well I was at work the other day and was having a rough day. I decided to apply for school in the new year. I am going to see if I meet the criteria to apply for the social worker course they are planning on starting up through the aboriginal group I belong to. Fingers crossed I will get it, I figured that the workers are more work than the kids that I deal with. I can be empathetic towards others more on a different level.

calmer

went for a walk to get paint swatches, and listened to my Ipod along the way....sweats pouring off me but I am calmer!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

OK I just got home from work and I am PISSED!! On Saturday at work we cleaned the whole place, but left one chore. I went to work yesterday and the person I worked with didn't do it. Other people complained about it and it became my fault! Fuck that I worked hard the day before, I even checked to see if the laundry had been finished yesterday. Nothing was left to be done. I am not my coworkers babysitter, and make the best of it it was hot and sticky and we were locked out of certain parts of the house by accident so we still managed to do things! I had cleaning stuff brought from my home to do what we did. Grrrrrrrrr make the best of the one who said I didn't do anything when she worked with me and she is the biggest culpret!

Yayyyy

I am so glad the new Hells Kitchen is on now!!

I am so impressed

with myself LOL. I haven't felt this good in ages. I had a bit of a bad time of it the other day but thats OK its all sorted out AND streamlined a few things I had wanted to take care of. I am a little more in debt but its not such a immediate financial strain and its manageable. My income tax is gone for next year but thats OK. I am doing well with things and today I have to go to the store to get something for my daughter, its the store where he works when he comes to town but thats OK I have to do it sometime and I wanted to do it on my own time. I want to repaint here in my home, I did a furniture swap with a co worker for my kitchen table set, hers was newer but mines in better condition but hers is better in my home!

Its complicated

You know when you post your interests on profiles I find that complicated. I have a Ipod that I listen to while walking etc and my music is shall we say eclectic. Thats one of the reasons why I usually don't put music down on my interests, I don't think its a major part of my life but listening to my Ipod really lifts my mood. On it I have CCR, then a mixture of old country ( Porter Wagoneer, Johnny Cash, George Jones) and new country (Alan Jackson, and a few others) 70s stuff, LOVE the 80s, have some 90s stuff and some new dance stuff. So its hard to explain how I feel about music. My counsellor gave me a little speaker set for it the other day. So now its in my bedroom. Funny though my son went down and played a timbaland song the other day on it...he said its one of his favourites. So we have some similar tastes.

hmmmmm

Well my status on facebook right now reads..."If I said I didn't like negative people would that negative statement make me negative too?" I was working yesterday and as I was doing shift change my cell phone was ringing. It was my friend from the past who has been in contact with me. I wasn't going to call her back last evening but I did. Big Mistake. I am having a hard time with her, i am not sure I want her back in my life. I am trying but she is really getting on my nerves. She needs so much help. I have been coming a long way in my life. Its so funny people are asking me whats different about me, have I dyed my hair, have I cut it, whats so different about me? Absolutely nothing, different attitude maybe. But people can't put a finger on it but there is something there! My counsellor told me last week I get lighter and lighter every time I go in. I am taking more and more control in my life. I feel a lot better, work is good, life is good.

Almost time to slow down

OK I have been working way too hard. Still have a few days left to work but I have tried to get as much time off in one week next month. My daughter is going to be 15 in the first week, and I have the whole day off, I work 4 hours in 6 days! Although at work there is still a matter that we are down 2 full time workers. I like the money! But back to work again today and off tomorrow!

going with the flow

OK so going to be a sucky payday, its not going the way I had it planned! But I have money and I will have my bills paid if nothing else! I so want to get rid of the puppy, she isn't working out and wish my daughter would see it. She is a lot of work and I am too tired. Another 120 pay coming up next week but its a case of my daughters birthday in a couple of weeks and school will be starting again before we know it. Went and got some healthy choices for food, went to a local wholesalers and got some veggies and fruit.
I have a friend who has come out of the past and I am having a hard time with her. I don't want to eat out all the time, I don't want to talk about her failed marriage and her spoiled kids.
We all have a cold here now as well, its gone from 33 to 10 and rain but we need the rain too many forest fires. OH well work tonight then out to the yardsales after work in the morning.
This post is a bit random but really did you all expect ( no one reads this I know LOL) any differently.

Still Beat LOL

Well its just after 6 am and I am just getting home from work. I did a emergency placement last night so had to get up early with the child. I have now worked with all his family but one sister, how sad is that. Some people should not have children.
I had a really good day yesterday. I have been sorting through a lot of stuff, my house still looks like a bomb hit it though. BUT I have been getting rid of stuff, sold things, thrown it away, gave it away. Been working on some things financially...this payday I have a pretty big cheque but its going on bills. 112 hours worked, 10 tonight and a 12 hour holiday worked. Next payday about 100 hours. Yes I am tired but I am trying to get back on my feet. One month since I gambled, I am being totally honest with everyone. Next step is find out whats going on with the puppy, can't get her trained she has my flooring torn up and peed all over the wood. I walked to my counselling appointment with the old Ipod on and it was good, stopped and sang loudly when no one was around ( bad singer LOL).
Laptop is dying, cell phone is dying and so is my microwave!!! Oh well life sucks sometimes....might go for a drink tonight to say hell with it...its small stuff, and replaceable!!!

Beat

Oh I am so tired. I ended up working extra on Friday night, about 22 hrs. So this pay there is light at the end of the tunnel. My laptop though is dying. So I am getting a new one, the kids one is theirs so I invested in a new one. I had such a bad day, first day off in about a week, and did some things I had to do. One thing I hadnt' counted on is getting into a major arguement with my sister. My mother actually took my side in it she knew I was right. I have to keep moving on in life, keep changing and sometimes these things happen.

Not in the mood

Not in the mood to do much, I am off this morning, working this afternoon then off until tomorrow. I am tired, the puppy can't seem to rest past 5 a.m. Then I have been working so much all the days are getting to me. Then the heat and forest fires. Today I get paid but there isn't going to be any money left again. Oh well thats OK too, I only need money for bills and food, although the bills are overwhelming again. Going to get the kids some bank accounts today so its going to be a busy day! Just right now I am not in the mood to do much. Have to get moving though, I don't bring my computer to work anymore, try not to be on it too much during home time (playing games is hard to resist though!).

Ugggg

Too many mosquitoes too hot and too much work and not enough money LOL

owwwwwww

Yeah I am in pain LOL not too bad, the mole is gone from my neck. Going to be weird not seeing that there. I am thinking its too hot to have this bandage on, and its going to be hotter tomorrow and the next day. Got things sorted out with my mom and my sister for babysitting. Now if I could get my house sorted out! I need to get my life sorted out!! My coworkers can't believe how strong I am. I am falling apart in so many ways but it doesn't show!
Oh yes just found out one of my coworkers is applying for the team leader job and I am not happy. She does not have my support in that decision. Not good,I won't be making it easy for her, in regards to myself anyways.
Come on life.....change change change!

Too Damn Early

I am awake before 6 am again. Hateful it is. Between my puppy and my bladder I had no chance. I have to go to work this morning. Days until next Monday, 12 hours dragging out before me every day. I try not to take my computer with me anymore. I also only have one now the laptop I got from him is now going to be the kids. I don't need two, well not two laptops, I do like desktops but not too worried about having one. Today I have to get another mole removed, going to have to take my son down as well for his appointment.
I had a problem with my mother and taking care of my nephew. I emailed my sister last night and said that my mom feels that my daughter can't cope with him and either herself or myself should be there. So I am thinking OK so she expects my daughter to go down and be there when she needs her. She is waiting to go see the doctor herself and she feels that she may have had a mini stroke. So I suggested that my sister look for someone to take care of him for a couple of weeks. Not fair to expect us to be down there for nothing. What would my daughter do if my mom is being bossy and doing stuff then she gets sick. Part of my stop being me and start being me process. I was talking to my counsellor about it yesterday. Making a few changes, I have issues now with money so don't borrow and don't lend. I have to lose weight, eat properly, going to spend less time online ( at the hospital once or twice a week helps on that front LOL). I am glad I decided to take that step to go see a counsellor. I denied a lot of things but now I am making a effort to make a change, and my counsellor says a lot of things I am doing are normal when it comes to my addictions. I have to take more control now of it all. Still don't know why I fear people so much but she says maybe its a self esteem thing.
I also do the avoidance thing. So part of it now is looking at what I am doing. Yes I am a gambler and its no good for me. I am not going to keep everyone happy and first thing I have to do is change myself. I am a procrastonator, I am a dreamer, I have a lot of fears about things. Thats why I have a mess. I try to do things get it half done. I need to be more motivated. I need help a lot of help!

hmmmmmmm

a woman can't live on diet coke a handful of chips alone.....thats what i ate today until now....like i said I have to eat properly. I need to get down for the last test, a glucose tolerance test. The sound of that one scares me, I have to stay at the hospital in case I faint. Thats something I don't want to do ( I have self esteem issues and discussed that with my counsellor today). I don't want to be sick I am tired of it all :(

Have to start taking care of a few things

I went and saw my counsellor today. I told her with everything thats going on in my life I don't think I have hit rock bottom. Even though I have screwed myself over now bill wise( I gambled and lost it all on friday :( ) I am getting overwhelmed, I am at the hospital every week to see her then I am back and forth getting bloodwork done etc. I am sleeping so so but not great, my eatings off big time. I am so stressed I actually sat here and cried just then. I had to explain to my son that it wasn't the phone ringing ( it showed up as the man that I loves work number, I didn't recognise it at first, I had to dig out his card to find out for sure.) I have been fooling myself and have taken on too much. I am going to be working 7 days straight then helping take care of my nephew. Meanwhile my house is a horrible horrible wreck. I am selling off a couple of things as a consequence to losing so much money this week. I am not beating myself up over it but like I said I am afraid where I don't feel I hit bottom what to do. My counsellor said I don't do much for myself, gambling was about it but I don't go out to the clubs or anything like that. But I need to get things in order. I have screwed up a lot and I said to her sometimes I am looking for a reason to hate myself or be upset myself. She says I have come a long way since I started going. I have a hell of a long way to go, I told my son I am like a car stuck in the mud, spinning my wheels but going no where. I guess I need to stop being who I am and try to find out who I am. I have made a couple of decisions in the last few days, no money no bedroom furniture, no loans for anyone or from anyone. I am not touching any machines and cash is something I can't be trusted with, my addictions are too strong right now and if I don't want to end up on the street I have to think of that. I have to eat properly, try and rest and not work too much my health physical and mental are on the line right now. I had developed a eye twitch in March and its really bad right now. Bad enough looking like I do but the constant twitching is pissing me off! No one wants a crazy woman I am thinking.

I have to remember....

That I have to find someone to be in my life that should be lucky to be loved by me and to be the one who loves me. I told my son yesterday I don't need to find someone to complete me I have to find someone who is going to compliment me, who when we are together can be happy with each other and we bring out the best in each other. If someone doesnt' love me that way then they don't deserve me. I just watched a video of photos done up by a coworker for her wife on facebook and they are happy. Not all the time but they feel its worth it, the distance when her wife is away working and she is here waiting. We had that in common once we waited for the person we loved. Just her wife didn't dump her when it got a little complicated...they rode out the rough patches and they still do.

Well Wadda Ya Know

I just upgraded this laptop to IE8 and I really like it, facebook is so much easier. Had a counselling appointment that went great, I really enjoy it so much going to see her.

My life is shit...not just because of the Puppy

Well its no fun in my life. I had to go down to the post office on Monday and my sister had to stop in the store where he works when he is in town. I sat in her van, managed to stop the tears from falling barely. Jumping at the sign of anyone walking near her van, head down and very anxious. I hate how he has turned me into this person. Its a result of the way he dumped me, I am afraid to see him, I am afraid people will see me see him and what my reaction will be.
My ex was good he came down with the kids stuff, and my son was with him because he was sick. So I asked him to take me to the store in another part of town but I didn't need to get much because I didn't have hardly any money. He told me he could take me down to the other store and I got very upset and told him I can't face that place and the thought of being in there. So he took me to the store I wanted to go and paid for my groceries so I didn't have to worry about getting up there later on in the week. So we made that agreement and I would just pay him back on payday. We ended up talking a bit, he got doggy stuff, he stayed down for a bbq and he showed up yesterday and cleared up the yard and tore down some of the back step. We came to another agreement so I don't owe him any money!
Now today I have a counselling appointment and I can't wait to get away from the damn puppy. I also have to go get another blood test done, my doctor called me and told me that my blood sugar has come back twice high. So once again more tests. I am starting to feel like a pin cushion!

Poop and Pee and sleep the life of a puppy

I am soooooo not happy. Got the puppy on Monday kids all excited the ex is all excited. I was too, told the kids what they had to do, ex spent $150 on doggie stuff. So right now I have just had to clean a puddle and a poop off the floor. Damn thing, told the kids this morning before school it was their first strike, they didn't get up immediately to let the puppy out. I did thought she had done a great job, now this morning she has started doing the dirty on the floor again. No way am I doing this every morning. Shut her in her kennel for now.

Food Glorious Food

Well I am watching the food network again. Haven't eaten dinner anything and probably should ( trying to eat better or at least eat!). But I am watching a lot more of this channel, and would have to say it has to be a great job travelling across country and eat for a living. Yeah I know I am fat but so what I like food, I used to love to cook and hoping to get back into it all again soon. I am assuming that seeing as my sugars are being tested again that I am going to have to watch what I eat and probably lose weight. Right now I have a very very tight budget but I also have to feed my children when they come down. I have to find good healthy recipes to try. The show I am watching is wicked though home cooking and diners...mmmmmm LOL. Maybe I should get something to eat LOL!

My new member of the family

I have just seen the puppy we are taking on. She is a cute little butterscotch puppy curled right up to me. So I had the ex get her some food, and while out to the yard sales I bought a large kennel for her and a dish. Next week I have to buy some deworming tablets. The kids are all excited and will get her a collar and leash next week as well. She is their responsibility but be nice to have a puppy around again I think.

when it rains it pours

OK so now I have someone hassling me to send something I sold them on ebay,even though I said sorry the item isn't shipped until the payments in my bank account. I had emailed and said I will be shipping later because of my work schedule and he is getting shitty with me. So seriously considering closing my ebay stuff down until a later date. Don't need the aggrevation,

Busy Busy

OK so heres the deal, my mom is OK now she was kept in overnight. She was in emergency from approx 1 PM until 10:30 PM. Everyone was exhausted by the end of that day. My money showed up and even though I vowed I wouldnt spend it all when I went up the road. Damn Walmart LOL. But it was good to get out of here. I can't wait to take my kids up. I called yesterday to let them know we got to the town only to find out my son isn't doing well. Sounds like he has to deal with counselling now, relationships are a concern to him. I am worried about him. So I decided to go against what I said and let them have a dog. He will have a animal for company and pets can be therapudic. I also told him and his sister they have to take care of her. I am trying to keep money now for the next trip when I take them with me.
I am hoping to get myself sorted out soon as well.

Another fun day

well its not even 1 pm and wondering what else can happen. I got off work this morning and can't sleep. Called my mom to come up and she shows up with my neice. We are just getting started on stuff when she comes over dizzy. So she goes to the hospital. So I am here with my 6 year old neice. Get a call to go see my counsellor at 3. No word from my mom. I haven't had money come through yet that I am waiting for, and I am going up the road tomorrow. THEN the hospital calls me to tell me I have to get my bloodwork redone. So now I have to fast for that, and thursday i have to get my stitches out ( had a mole removed). So now I don't know what to do with it all, I need to get someone to do something!! I don't want to take my niece to the hospital with me!

Interesting

My friend has told me what she thinks of me. She thinks that I am attractive, I dont' look my age and I am well put together! My thinking was are you sure your talking to the right person!

Not Nice

I went into the store where he works when he is in town. My coworker couldn't believe how upset I got. I saw some things set up and thought oh no he is here, has been here or on his way. I got to the point I almost got sick. I hate that feeling and I know I won't be going in there again any time soon. I can't handle it emotionally. There is a deep wound thats going to take a long long time to heal. Just wish he would disappear.

Weird

I was just looking for some old friends in a chat I used to use and went to a strange room because I haven't been on there in ages. Well strange thing is they keep moving chat sites so because I dont' go on for months I lose them. One woman in particular i wanted to see how she was doing she is in nova scotia and had cancer. But anyway this guy starts talking to me. Next thing you know he is telling me he is a crossdresser because his wife got him into it and she had been cheating on him since day one with his best friend a ex cop. I didn't even bother to reply. Why would someone expose themselves to that and expect someone to react in a positive way. There are wayyyyyyyyyy too many weirdos on here.

Not good

Well I don't know why but the last few days I have been feeling overwhelmed, down and depressed. I guess its the realization that my life will never be the way I wanted it. I am tired, I am tired of working hard, doing everything on my own and seems like everyone elses life moves on. My home reflects it as well, its a dump and a dive.
I am trying to get out of this funk. I am going to go on a roadtrip next week with a co worker, we are going to Labrador City to get away and do a little bit of shopping. I don't have a lot of money but thats it, I have to help pay for gas, and hotel and food. So going shopping is going to be low on the list. I have to deal with my addictions as well. I don't have money and now I have to find money to start up on a few bills. Oh well it will come from somewhere. I don't want to get a second job and part of that is I know I won't run into the man who dumped me if I stay where I am. I am down enough as it is let alone seeing him to remind me of how much he hurt me. He might be able to stop caring and hurt me without it bothering him but I won't open myself up to more hurt by running into him.

My life

I am sitting here looking on facebook and see that my friend has gone back to the UK. I thought how lucky I guess her husband had been posted away ( sometimes they go for a few months to different posts) and she has gone back after spending time in Canada. I was thinking how lucky she has a good life. She has a husband who loves her, she has a child and the ability to be able to be spending time with both of them. I always wanted that. I wanted to be able to spend time with my family, stay home and have a life that enabled that. A husband with a good job, I good home, just be happy. I kind of had that for awhile when I lived overseas. I took on a part time job when my daughter was a toddler to get out for a little while. I worked 1-5 Monday to Friday at a local shop. We didn't have any money issues, we were happy, we could travel. Instead we came back to Canada and now live in hell. My life is hell. Why is it hell? Because its never changing its just the same old crap all the time. My life is spiralling down the toilet. Hate it and wish I had a life I had wanted.

What a day

Well its been a few days since I posted. I am going to a gambling in session before work on Monday night, trying to drag my coworker with me. I think she is gone right into that gambling mode, I am trying to get out so why not get her to go and we can try and change in a positive way. But today was a day to remember. I went for a ride in truck with another coworker the other day and we went for a ride to her cabin. I said I had never been up the highway so we went up about 40 to her cabin. I said to her why don't we bring the kids down on Saturday just for them to get out and we could help her down to her cabin. She knew my son hadn't been out of town before so she said why don't we go churchill falls, 294 km away. So this morning her and myself and my kids and my daughters boyfriend went there for a ride. We had time to stop in Churchill to eat and have a quick look around. Sure we spent most of the day in the truck and they killed time watching movies but they got out of town. It was so good and now we are planning a trip further up the road in August. So have the days pics posted on facebook and I am tired in a good way and the money we spent today was better on the trip than gambling!

What day is it? What time is it?

OK I worked wayyyyyyyyyyy too much in the last couple of weeks. In the last pay period I did 143 hours. Now I did a extra 8 last night. I am really confused! My home looks like something exploded in here! I have 4 days off coming up and I am going to try and sort things out a little better. I have sold a bit of stuff, including some books, I have a ton of books out in my shed as well. Oh my I have been trying to figure out how not to give up control in my life. I need some motivation but of course no regular sleep or meals throws you way out of whack. I was watching TV yesterday and I suddenly realized how much I miss cooking. I mean I used to find it very therapudic in my past life. I was thinking of maybe finding a good recipe to try and cook. I used to experiment a lot once upon a time. Used to like grinding spices myself, crushing garlic. I think I am going to try and get back into that. I haven`t been anywhere for awhile and was considering going to bingo tonight. But I want to catch up on things before I do that. So tonight its a shower, put on my nightie and watch TV. I have to draw up a list of what I want in life. A few goals to aim for. My life has changed a lot in the last 2 months and now I need to realize that I have to take control and do things for myself because no one is going to be here for me. I am on my own, well and truely.

Weeding my way through crap

Yup today I am slowly going through crap LOL. I have got rid of a few things in the last few days and I have so much more to get rid of. But its good LOL still haven't got to my clothes yet!

Makes you wonder

OK I was pretty upset the last few weeks over the break up. Part of that was the fact it was unexpected and sudden. I have a friend who finally broke up with her boyfriend after 7 years, although she has been wanting to end it for at least 2 years. But she is talking how she is miserable and unhappy and its so upsetting. But what I am wondering if they agreed to end it and she hated him for years....why is she so upset? I would have thought she would have been grateful to finally be away from him.
I was upset because I was still in love, I was hoping we were going to last, we had a great relationship. She cursed him she called him down to the dirt and hated him. I know my relationship ended a few weeks ago, so I am a bit further along in living life again without him, but though she was going to be happier than this.
I still think of him often. I will for a long time but time will make it easier. I just dont' want him here at all, he imposed in my life where as I had no impact on his, the way he wanted it I guess. But doesn't mean that I am comfortable thinking of him here in MY TOWN. Wish he would just go away. He made a big enough fool of me as it is don't need to see him here to remind me.

A Little Good News

Well I had some good news today in a way. Had a doctors appointment. I haven't had a proper examination in about 2 years. So went and got my boobsicles and plumbing checked LOL. Everything is good, no surprises just have to wait for the normal test results. I was a little worried about going, no lumps yayyyy and the plumbing looks good. Blood pressure is 120/80 so thats perfect. She did try telling me to maybe change from injections to other things but its like no thanks. I have a few years before I have to consider that. So a little good news for a change!

I am a addict

Well I went out with my friend last night and did something stupid. I went gambling. I was fortunate to have hauled my ass out of the fire and won enough to cover most of what I took out of the bank. But thats it I have to stop. My life the last couple of years has been up and down. One of the big issues was my money and gambling. Take it or leave it sometimes but I did get into it deeply and lost savings. So now I have to stop. I am in the phase of doing things self destructive. I can't afford this I need to establish savings etc. Damn stuff, worst part is socially what I do sometimes. I have a coworker who wants me to go occasionally. I am going to get into control.

I HATE LIFE

I just had a blow up with my husband. Because of a stupid card I had to get a few years back and not being able to keep up with payments for a short while its now stopping me from getting a mortgage. I was working in a hotel and needed a winter coat and I had to get a store card because my husband refused to put it on his card. I ended up losing hours and that card got neglected for awhile. Instead a understanding husband who would buy the coat on his card and just include it in his payments I married a selfish prick who refused. I am so upset and I told him that because he wouldnt' buy me a coat during a rough patch I couldn't make payments and god forbid he wouldn't pay for the payments for me now its effecting my life now. My credit is good now but because they go so far back thats still showing. I had a counselling appointment today and of course discussing my marriage I came home to him being here. My son had to witness that but I had had enough.
I am tired of having to do things on my own. Make the best of it if I go bankrupt thats all I can do. If I sell this place he gets $20,000 because its what he is entitled or so he says meanwhile he can't be bothered to do much more than put a peice of plywood on my roof and hope for the best.
I just need a break I swear before I break.

I married a idiot!!!!!!!! Grrrrrrrrr

Yup I did! I was talking to him on the phone and we were talking and I mentioned how the kids had been keeping the house clean and I was going to give them money. Of course he doesn't have money for that to give them. Idiot. AND then he told them about the dog dying so now he told them it all depends on me on getting a new dog because only way they are getting one is if it can go to my house. I DON"T WANT THAT!!!

I know what I don't want

I was at work the other night and we went for a ride in car. Now I was about ready to puke by the end of it. The smell was horrendous. It was a mixture of stale smoke and old wet dog, stinky dog. I thought in my life I definately don't want those smells as a everyday thing. I don't miss dogs and I don't miss smoke.

Tired

I am so tired, worked a few hours yesterday and today. I have just picked up a few more hours. So this pay coming up I will have worked 131 hours. hmmmmmm 103 last pay, 100 this one and next one is 131. I am going to have to slow it down a little bit.

Rain rain go away

What a bleah day today is. I worked last night then spent a couple of hours at the hospital. Just routine things and I may actually be able to get a mole removed !!! Been waiting months for that. Had my injection today as well. I am tired, but life is OK now. I saw my counsellor yesterday and that went pretty good. I am glad that I started and she has helped me a bit. She mentioned yesterday how good I was looking. I am hoping to find out next week that a bank can help me out. If it does yayyyyyyyyyyyyy nothing much going on in my life right now work and work and work if I can get it. I offered to take on a couple of extra shifts next week. Gives me about 120 in that pay period but thats it I want to be able to catch up on things. Mothers Day and my dads birthday we are doing as a family meal. Everyone will be there including my husband. Don't care how his girlfriend feels its a family meal and he doesnt' have his mother here, and its my dads 70th. I treated my kids yesterday with a couple of hours and a couple of hundred dollars later LOL. Life is bleah but its routine no surprise....yet!

Ugggg

I just got up, getting my kids ready for school, made them smooties, had a glass of it myself and ran my tongue over my lips and found I have a cold sore!! Bleah. I haven't had one in almost 18 months :(. I can't be run down or stressed, unless its all leaving my body from the last few weeks. I have to work tonight then off tomorrow then work 5 days maybe more. So now what do I do I will be run down by then. Although at work we are dealing with a kid who is creating a lot of issues. Oh well not like I have to worry about being with anyone or meeting anyone.

Busy Busy Busy

I have been clearing out a few things. I got rid of furniture I didn't want, going to get rid of a sucky surround sound ( my ex is buying it off me, moved the DVD player out of my bedroom) and need to sort out a few more things. I have picked up a extra 20 hours on this pay and extra 28 on the next...so far. My clothes well thats another whole ball of wax. I found some jeans that fit me nice at a local store so looking at getting rid of the ones I have that don't fit properly (after 2 years they are a bit worn anyways.).
I have played my new brain age and ds and I have the brain age of a 65 year old and looking at getting some more games in the next couple of months. I want to get the Wii set up out here in the living room, now I have got rid of some of the furniture I have more room. But first thing I need to do is sort out what I NEED.
I worked in a different location today and I really enjoyed it and considering changing my workplace to there. Its closer to my home.
I also now have a real mould issue, which I have to try and sort out soon. Oh yes and one of my appliances doesn't work properly.
What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger right....I have got to be on life support by now....I don't want to tempt fate and say it can't get any worst...because it can!!! God give me strength!