Wish I could fly

I have been having a hellish week and tonight just put a cherry on top! My brother in law wanted to make a deal with me, he wanted me to sign my salmon tags over to him and in return out of seven I would get one. I said nope I want 2. But then I thought about it, I as a Aborginal person and a beneficiary of NG am entitled to seven salmon tags, only seven per household. The tags would be issued in my name and I could sign them to him to harvest the salmon for ME. I discussed it with my brother that I wasn't comfortable giving away things that were in my name. So I told my sister in a email I had changed my mind. I got a phone call from him which escalated into him cursing me, yelling at me calling me names because I didn't want to go along with his deal. So I am assuming that it was crooked from the start. I bet anything he was going to sell them, which is illegal and could drag me into a court case which I can not be a part of, due to the degree course I am doing I would have to make sure I didn't jeopardise my future for him.
Meanwhile I am in the process of taking exams and admission interviews for the program I am applying for. I think if I don't get in I am going to move to Halifax and go to university out there, take my kids, my husband even though we aren't together would move with us.
Time to make some tough choices. I will not be around my brother in law, family occasions I will not be attending if he is there. I dont' need the abuse and neither does my children and family members. I will have to find alternative ways back and forth to school I will not ride with my sister, my daughter isn't taking care of their child. I had to stop my daughter from getting on the phone,although she did tell my sister that she would not be taking care of their kids and her husband is a asshole LOL.

OH yeah I say life goes on...

Yes it does no matter what happens thats it you have to keep living. I am trying to unwind a little and relax. Tomorrow I am going to study my ass off. Not a lot for a fat woman...I have no ass LOL. I have my written exam for my application for entrance to the school of social work. I had a very stressful week. My marks took a bit of a plunge and I have to get back on track...now. But I have been so tired, its hard, I have been under so much pressure. BUT I have good children. My daughter is fantastic, bit of a attitude but then again she is 15 but she acts like my mother. I would love to have some one clean my house. I am tired, I have the dishes done, the laundry has been started BUT I need the floors and bathroom doing and a few other things. Going to school and it taking up so much of my time the house is suffering, and in a way so are my kids. I have no money but my daughter has been babysitting and thanks to yard sales she has been able to outfit herself fairly well. I wish I could do that for myself. I am tired. I am going to lay down and relax..it will be tomorrow before I know it. Maybe get some ice cream as a treat for now. LOL like a bowl of chocolate ice cream is going to make a difference to me at this time of night!

Tired so very tired

I am so exhausted. I may not seem like it in my life to see me but I am. Schoolwork and applications have been so big in my life at the moment. I have my entrance written exam on Monday and I am not ready. I am going to relax until Sunday and then crack on it. I am not sure what I want. I know what I want I want a "normal' life, a man who loves me, a secure home, a secure good paying job and not have to worry about what a shit life I am having and the shittier life my children are having. I am providing zero support for anyone, with financial or emotional or physical. I am desperately burnt out, working on papers trying to remember what I want to do about things. I am alone in so many ways. I am considering giving things up just go fuck it all...and give up. I know I am venting because this is the point of my life where I am wondering what the hell am I doing? I would love to win the lottery tonight...life would be so much easier...well guess tons of money means a whole new set of problems!

One Pround Momma

I am so proud of my children this week. Both of them passed in school my son is going to grade 7, gulp that sounds strange even saying it. My daughter had her awards night she just completed grade 10, she received a award for highest mark in History, she received a merit award for being in the 80s plus club, and in grade 10 she received the principals merit award, she had one of the top 5 averages in her entire grade (93%). Then last night was a fantastic moment, I cried, she cried, but she was amazing. Last night my daughter at 15 years old had her head shaved for the relay for life for cancer. She had 9 ozs of hair cut off, it was down her back, we will be sending it to Locks for Love and she also did fundraising to raise money, she has $1038 in pledges!
My son received a little award for being helpful and thoughtful from his teacher. He had a rough year again in school but he is going up to grade 7. That award means a lot to me as well, means he is doing well with being a young man as well.
:) My school well its going...but where I am not sure!

Making a effort

I am trying to feel better about myself. Going to school is a lot of work, its been cold etc so I haven't been taking care of myself properly so today is going to be a little bit of a me day. Just painted both sets of nails. I need eyebrows plucked and my feet need attention. Heels are really rough and I am going to sort out a few things of clothing I have. I am broke but I do need a couple of things regardless.

One thing I have realized

I have recently been thinking about relationships with men. I am afraid of them now, I am uncomfortable with the idea of meeting someone and being with them. I am afraid of intimacy and trusting someone seems impossible. Why should I set myself up like I did the last time. I say I would be in another relationship but thats easy there is no one around. I can't imagine being on my own forever but I have to face it, I am fat, unattractive and boring. I have a certain person in mind as in what I want and I don't think it will ever be met. Men are something that will use you for what they want, and they don't mind playing nice to get it. Its all a game to them I think, I had a husband who talks about me still as if the whole life we had and how it went wrong was all my fault. I had a man who I loved who treated me like dogshit. He got laid and had a place to stay when he came to town and thats all that he wanted, just had to put up with me to get it, but then again he was always out to save himself some cash so he was like a lot of men a hole is a hole I guess. I was so stupid and probably still am.

Hello Darkness my old friend...its good to speak to you again

I am definately feeling down. Wondering what to do with my life. I am on the track to a career in the social services feild but by the time I get there will there be anything in my life. Suicide slips into my thoughts like a knife into water....just slips in but you know what I am used to those thoughts. Thats all they ever have been were thoughts, never attempts or anything like it. I think its just the idea of nothing happening, no worries, no cares just gone and peace. Never been a option but the thought is still there, just make everything go away for awhile. Not happy these days, but I am tired of being always on, have to be on top of everything and even when I rest its not real rest because its constant the brain is going, my home is a wreck, the kids are a pain in the butt sometimes. I love them don't get me wrong but there are times I just want them to go to their rooms for a few hours or if I come home and the place is spotless, dishes done etc. My sister is going to have my daughter babysit for her this summer and she is ripping her off so bad. Not going to start anything over it but she is going to save herself money by having her there. I am hoping she won't expect her to take care of him in the evenings, she is paying her $20 a day and that should be 8:30 to 4:00 so after that should be my daughters time off. I think she will be sleeping down there for the conveinience of it. Oh well insomnia is in full swing its 3:30 and been up since 2:00 so hoping to get some rest now.
One of the girls in class has left now for a job, can't blame her that leaves 25 now so by the end of August we need to be down to 20.