some days I wish I hadn't complicated my life by having children. Now I love them dearly would do anything for them. At this point in my life I would like to be able to do what I want and not have any decision I make be determed by the fact I have kids. If I want to move my husband says you can't leave your kids they need you. Damn it I need something for myself. My kids will grow up and then what life do I have? Its hard having them sometimes. I mean they are smart, independant kids, but still not old enough to be too too independant. I am tired of people throwing them up in my face. I can't afford kids to be honest, I can't afford to live most of the time. I survive sure but I do have my addictions. I haven't even had a call from the counsellor. So now it feels like I have no one who cares about me. Hell I know I don't if I dropped dead tomorrow if the kids weren't here I probably wouldn't be found for days.
I have a friend who I haven't spoke to in awhile and I really don't have any interest in talking to her again either.
I don't know what to do with my life...i have nothing to look forward to. I think thats one of the reasons why I buy myself things....but that never lasts. I hate life. I had to go out this morning and clear the drive because of all the stupid snow and you know what i am tired of it. I am tired of doing things on my own all the fucking time. I don't see anything changing soon but doesnt' mean I am happy. My fucking life fucking sucks I hate it all. Whats the point of living well existing.
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