Thinking about myself

OK just doing a rundown of myself in my head here it goes:
*grew up with a mother who screwed with my self worth and self esteem
*grew up with a dad who had issues, he had a lot of pride
*had big things to overcome, shyness,self esteem, self value and not sure of who I was in life and what I meant to others.
*went a bit crazy when I got old enough had a baby at 19 and gave him up for adoption and then dealing with parents, post natal depression and peer pressure.
*was raped and never told anyone
*went away to school got sick and came home, in the end had to go get tested for brain tumours, turns out three years later that it was migraines contributing to thyroid problems, brought on by the birth control pill
*my friends were controlling, one true friend got married and left me
*insecure in my life, all my friends were getting married and leaving me, I was 100 lbs heavier than before, thought I was turning into a alcoholic, then met my future husband.
*thought he loved me one night when I was in a mood he tells me "good job I am marrying you because no one else will"
*got married, got pregnant and moved to another continent
* had baby by myself with no family support, had to leave room to breastfeed not to offend anyone, dealt with depression and moving.
*night before going to yet another country hubby phones me to inform me he is tired so won't be meeting me at the plane, almost didn't go
*deals with a husband who after 3 months of being on his own drinking doesn't want to do anything with a wife and child who did everything to make sure the move went smoothly because he is tired. Attempted to leave twice
* left that country, went to another one, then moved back to Canada and in the midst of all that find out that I am pregnant.
*move back to canada, go to work, husband doesn't work for months, buy this stupid home and we are trapped
*I have to finish work early so can't qualify for mat leave, he has low paying job, baby is born
* had baby with depression, a according to him now a depressed husband and no money
*told by husband to sleep on couch because the baby keeps him awake, I am tired and despressed and don't have the energy to defend myself but refuses to have sex with him on the couch after one night he throws the used condom on the floor..I am used enough
*go on meds for depression makes me crazier
* take myself off the meds cold turkey and apply for school
* get through school yayyyyyy but he isn't supportive...I have to earn money to pay for my sitter and transport
*end up going to school again after this course is done
* find out that there are people who find me interesting and want to talk and compliment online!! After three years of cutting your own hair, wearing old clothing and not doing anything and being ignored its a nice break
*get caught up with online stuff, men men men, webcams, photos, groups and meeting men face to face....getting tired of it all, I want to be treated better than that.
*Go out one night have only a couple of drinks, wake up in a hotel room with a strange man, don't tell anyone, so ashamed might as well just go with men now....realize wrong move
*meet the man who I fall in love with almost by accident, I am getting bored and don't want to meet anyone else but he peaks my interest.
*turn 40...what do I want in life, to stay with a man who ignores me, puts me down, digs at me but will never admit it, hell he won't even sleep with me, I have made mistakes and need to change that but I cant' be with this man anymore
*confronted and want a divorce, he is shocked, turns nasty for a bit but then things calm down he tries to blame my friend but has nothing to do with him
*i am getting new things and painting he isn't happy but he never was interested in me until I got a better job with a lot better pay...his loss.
* he moves out and has the kids for awhile...PEACE
* been with the man that I love and know I have feelings for him
*working and waiting for him to visit
*getting work done on my home
*still at the same job its stressful but things are going good
*the man that I love decides he wants to be left alone! What about me, how about how I feel, maybe my husband was right no one wants me, not good enough to be loved by anyone and so brokenhearted
*just working and gambling because I am alone, go see a counsellor
* getting things in perspective
*have a bad week at work, decide what am I going to do?
* have recieved application for school
*counsellor is gone but still plodding on

Thats my life kind of so far...gee whats next LOL